...to feel unable to cope with DS any more?

[RubyWho]

DS is 2y2mo old. He has always been "spirited", and a bit of a handful, but over the past few months, everything regarding his 'behaviour' has hit a bit of crescendo. He won't eat; he tells me he is hungry, then when it's lunch time, he screams and cries and throws whatever is in front of him on the floOr/at the walls. I know it's nothing physical stopping him from eating, as he spends one day a week with his GPs and eats like an angel there.
He refuses to nap, and at night wakes every hour or so, and I'm sure he is probably hugely overtired because of his lack of naps in the day.
It just seems like every day is a non-stop scream fest, and yesterday was th worst ever-he just seemed to be tantrumming all day, no matter what we did, or where we went. He wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, just wanted to scream and scream.
We have a new(ish) baby: DD is 6mo old now. They share a room and his all-night screaming (we do go and calm him down and soothe him) is waking her up. She wakes up if she's in our room, tOo- she's a really light sleeper.

I honestly feel that I cannot go on like this anymore. The screaming, refusal to eat/sleep... I feel beyond exhausted, and at my wits end. DH feels the same, and has admitted to working lOnger hours so he doesn't have to deal with it all. Nice. I would probably do the same, given half a chance.
It's at this point that I seriously want to take the baby, and leave- go and stay with my Mum for a few weeks.
Is it meant to be this hard; are all two year olds like this?

Are you sure he doesn't have an ear infection or something? How long has the night waking been going on.

I had a very difficult two year old - it is hard to tell from your post whether your situation is worse or not (screaming all day could mean different things to different people). Anyway, he did grow out of it eventually.

We thought it might be his ears, too, so took him to be checked out; he's fine. I thought it may be teething related, but a dose of calpol makes no difference either.

He isn't talking yet, so i think a lot of this is frustration based. GP listened to my ranting and crying, and the HV did tol, DS has been referred to the SLT team.

Sorry to drip-feed :/

NIght waking has been going on for 4 months; he was STTN up till then.

Didn't want to read and run A's you sound at the end of your tether

My dd went through a bit of this especially the food thing. I decided to pick my battles, so I let her eat what she wanted at lunch but was v strict about naps. I would literally hold her on my lap in front of the most boring (for her) tv because I could see she was hanging. Once the sleep got sorted everything else got back on track. She is still a bit fussy wrt food and still wakes once a night, but her behaviour is vastly improved.

Have you spoken to your hv or childrens centre? I'd never normally suggest going to the hv but you sound done in and maybe yours is better than mine

Does he ever get time just with you without the baby? He is having to share his mum and dad and his room, may be he isn't happy with the change and this is the only way he can let you know.

Does he go to the GrandParents on his own and get to be the centre of attention?

I'd be looking at a nursery place for him. Let him scream at someone else for a while and give you a break. If he's well-behaved for GPs (where presumably he gets 100% attention) then he'd probably love the attention at a nursery.

Whenever DH is here, and DD is asleep (she is still BF every 2hrs, so my time sans baby is limited!) i do stuff 1:1 with DS; park, stories, whatever he wants. I know the transition to the baby must have been incredibly hard, but a lot if his 'habits' stem from pre-baby.

He is doted on at his GPs and is totally the centre of attention; he loves it.

Cogito; i think he would really thrive in a nursery, but we just don't have the money :(

I have the exact same child, much sympathy. He goes to nursery twice a week and often spends the time thumping other children so nursery is not a magic solution. I asked the HV and she came round and witnessed a tantrum, she suggested naughty step and controlled crying in stages, nothing dramatic. She said he wasn't exhibiting anything unusual. Her normal advice is socialisation/playgroups/nursery but of course my DS has that

Thankfully he IS my baby, if I had a newborn I can tell he'd be off the scale with the tantrums, he very much likes my undivided attention.

My older DS was similar and he's a lovely 4 year old now. This too shall pass.

My DS was similar at age 2. He had a good year at 3 and then DD came along at 4 and he adores her but is jealous and takes it out on us. He is in reception year and it has been a difficult time. In school he is very good but last term would have a very cross tantrum everytime I met him from school - hitting me, running into the road. Needless to say I have been in tears for the last 3 months. He is waking in the night, he is cross in his sleep. He has lost weight and has dark circles around his eyes. Anyway, I was am very worried but I read something on Mumsnet about getting over your resentment towards them and treating them with the same warmth as the baby. This is difficult if they have screamed in your face or in my case hit you but my DS even said to me, "why do you never throw me in the air", like I do (not literally throw) with DD. I was really shocked at how left out he must have felt. I would imagine with a 2 year old, barely out of babyhood themselves that that feeling would be even stronger.

When my DS2 was born, DS1 who was 18 months at the time (so it sounds you have a similar age gap) stopped slepping through the night, was "grouchy" all day long (the late afternoon feeling, when they are getting too tired, they are hungry, but don't want to eat etc).

Somebody suggested I try a homeopathic remedy - Pulsatilla.

I was at the end of my tether and thought, oh well, I give it a try. Within 5 minutes it felt like somebody had turned on a switch in DS1. He was back to his normal self.
It might just be a coincidence, and I am totally NOT qualified to recommend any medication, but it really worked for us. Maybe investigate and/or take your DS to a homeopath.
Good luck.

Sending some hugs your way. It is very hard balancing 2 (we have a 10 month old and a nearly 3 year old).

Lord knows I've had my share of meltdowns and my DH also stays late more nights than not, arrive just as the older one is in her jim jams and cuddling up for some stories.

It's exhausting but i keep telling myself that in a couple years time it will have passed. See if maybe the GP's can take your son an extra day a week? Or maybe look into nursery. Sounds like he is a bit like my DD and that he wants attention and needs stimilation but it's hard to do that when there are two (and a little one who needs quite a lot of attention).

Just want to send you some sympathy, as I have two similar ages to yours and know how hard it is.

From observing all DS1's friends, I think there are 2 types of toddlers at this age - and one set seems to be all 'no!' and defiance and tantrums and very physical (the other type are still toddler-y but a bit calmer and more pliable, probably get the big tantrums aged 3 instead). So what I am trying to say is its not your fault. Just hang in there.

Sorry, no way to make it better for you!

OP no constructive advice. But wanted to send you some positive 'vibes'.

Perhaps get some parenting strategies so help you manage his behaviour. I would see the fact he behaves like an angel at other people's houses as a positive thing - he is capable of it, he knows what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't.

IMHO, children are supposed to push the boundaries at home.

Agree, just hang in there and try other people's suggestions. do you take him to any play and stay sessions?

It will pass.

It must be difficult for you (understatement!) Could you send him to his grandparents for a couple of nights so you can get some sleep? A change of scene and a break for you both might just change things enough to break the patern? And if not at least you'll have had a break

If you think that some of his frustration is not being able to talk, have you thought about baby signing?? I think it's saved us a lot of tantrums already (we did it from 6 months). Obviously, I have no way of knowing if dc would have been better/worse behaved without it, but at the very least dc could express what they wanted. Each to their own, lots of people are against it.
I hope you get something sorted soon. Sounds horrible.

Cross posted with everyone

I've just seen your post saying he isn't talking yet, I think that is probably quite a big factor, both my two were like differently children once they could actually communicate what they wanted.

How's his comprehension? Something that helped enormously with dd was asking her to show me what she wanted. Took a bit of trial and error but it redirected her energy from the tantrum

2 yr old boys are hideous. DD was newborn when ds was 2 and it was honestly the worst 6 months of my life.

Food wise I would lay a blanket on the floor, put a picnic style arrangement out and ignore him. He will eat what he likes and kick off less. I decided to do less with the dcs when ds was like this. Ditched groups and activities and went on long walks with them both in the double buggy to give myself some peace and quiet. Ask the grandparents what they do routine-wise, maybe their routine would suit him better?
Not sure what you should do about night time. Have you tried any of the sleep training methods? We rapid returned ds at this age as he was in a toddler bed. It worked a treat after 2 weeks of utter hell. But you have to get it exactly right, no talking whatsoever, otherwise it takes longer. If he's still in a cot you can still do this. Just walk in, say nothing and lay him down, leave. Repeat 35,000 times until his will power breaks. Is horrendous but really works. I only had to do it once with each of my dc and they are both really good sleepers now.

Thanks everyone!

We gO to lots of baby classes/activities. At least one a day, its the only way to keep sane with a teeny age gap, and small flat! The days we aren't as playgroups, my best friend comes over or vice versa; she has a 2.5 DS. So he gets lot of interaction etc.
We do use signing, a habit i suppose, I used it (makaton) with my brother (17 now) who has ASD/language delay. It does come in extremely useful, and our 6mo old has also started to try tO use a few signs too.

He's been very sweet this morning, I have tried to be very patient with him and be equally as tactile with him as i am with DD; I didn't realise I spend a lot of time nuzzling her. Poor DS, feel v guilty.

GPs often have him overnight, and my tolerance levels are a lot higher after the break- MIL has offered to have him for the upcoming weekend.

2 yr old boys are hideous is that a fact then?

Op, glad to hear that about your GP.

Don't feel guilty, when you're tired and at the end of your tether, it's not always possible to see the wood for the trees.

I know what you mean about the tolerance levels being higher after a short break. Sometimes I can't wait to get DD off to school in the morning, but I'm always ridiculously excited at the prospect of seeing her again!

Hi RUBY, In your first post. you mention meal time issues as well as language delay, and then in another post you describe your DB as having ASD. Have you though about whether your DS may also have ASD?
Your first post ring a lot of bells with me (my DS3 has Asperger's), food used to be a potential flashpoint - mash could not be touching sausages, peas had to be in a little bowl, he had to have a particular knife and fork, and "his" plate and cup, etc. DS3 had good vocab, and was able to articulate to us what was wrong (the gravy is touching the potato or whatever), so we knew what was upsetting him. Your DS's GrandP's probably give him his fav foods with none of it touching, and different rules tend to apply in GP's house.... in my experience anyway.

Waking so much at night, screaming - to me it sounds like pain, physical or emotional, something is bothering him. Maybe it is frustration at not being able to speak yet, so it's great that he has a referal to SLT. Probably it would be a good idea to mention to them and your GP that a close family member had been diagnosed as having ASD as this may mean that there are assessments that they may want to offer to do sooner, rather than later to rule out (or confirm), whether this is an issue that is affecting your DS too.

Could you try a sleep clinic? There's a good one in West London and they do consultations over the phone. Maybe if the sleep problem was sorted out, the other stuff would be too (assuming it's not ASD or similar).

Sorry if this has been covered already no time to read whole post.

Do you get time alone with your ds without baby there? If not, suggest gps look after baby for a morning a week and you spend time with ds.

I have 3 dc (5, 3 and 14 months) and in hindsight it did take a long time for older dc to adapt to new baby(s)

folk girl I was trying to make the op feel better. But yes every 2 yr old boy I've ever met (including my own) is pretty hideous in terms of boisterousness, lack of attention, lack of understanding etc. They obviously get better. My 5 yr old ds is lovely most of the time now