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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How best to deal with this?

33 replies

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 14:39

I am not a native English speaker, so apologies for any mistakes. Ok, I need some help because I don't know how to deal with this.
I have been with my DP for 5 years, no children (yet...). We have been through many ups and downs but in general I would say that our relationship is a happy one. I love him and I know he loves me too.
In 2009, I had strong suspicions that he was cheating on me, or at least that he was seeing someone else. I never had proof of this so I could not confront him with just my "sixth sense".
Reasons I believed he was seeing someone: we usually tell everything to each other. If he goes out with a mate, he'll tell me who it is and where they'll be, what time he guesses he'll be back (roughly) etc. It became weird when he started going out without telling me; I would phone him and he would either switch it off or hang up after I had asked him where he is and when he'll be back. etc and then would not pick up again.
I assume they broke up after a while (6-8 months) because things went back to normal. Ever since, things have been great with the usual problems couples have.
At the weekend my mobile phone went dead and because of my job I need to be reachable 24/7. DP let me have his old handset to use until I managed to go to the shop and have mine replaced. I went through his old mobile and found old texts that he had received from friends and some were mine, and I was just having a laugh reading them until I saw one particular text. The date is sept. 2009 and the name of the sender were just initials so again no proof and it read: "I have the best time with you especially when TheQueen calls, as I could die laughing at her" (rough translation - it was written in my language).
Again this does not prove anything. Our relationship has been great ever since that period in 2009. The text is 2 and 1/2 years ago. I don't think it would be reasonable of me to confront with it. What hurts is not whether he cheated on me or not; that I can never prove. But it's that someone was having fun at my expense in his presence. I assume he allowed it otherwise that person would never dare do such thing. I don't know what he replied to this person, whether he put them in their place or laughed along. But that is such a long time ago. Do I say something? If so, how do I approach the issue? I don't want to end the relationship, but I want him to know that I know and that it hurt me without causing a scene. I don't like shouting and screaming.
(I know I should not have gone through his texts but it was his old handset and most texts were from me anyway and he gave me the handset and the pin so prob forgot he had not deleted texts...)
Sorry for length and thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

mojitomania · 31/01/2012 14:51

Me being me, I would have to say something. However long ago it was and in my mind he probably would have been cheating. You say you tell each other everything so tell him what you found.

hanaka88 · 31/01/2012 14:56

I'd have to say something. I might just say 'what's this?' is a none accusing way and see what he says

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2012 14:57

The trouble is that you suspected he was cheating during your relationship, lying to you about where he was, and you've now had your suspicions confirmed. From now on, whenever he does anything even remotely out of the ordinary, you will be wondering if he's up to his old tricks seeing women behind your back. I don't think it makes for a good relationship when you can't trust your partner to be truthful and I don't think leopards change their spots very often either.

Tell him what you know. He'll probably tell you that it's all over and 'didn't mean anything'. Decide if it's something you can tolerate.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 14:57

Thank you mojito. I think I should talk to him. All day I have been very nasty, not really talking to him but barking... He has already asked once what's wrong so I guess I am going to have to talk to him. I just worry that this could ruin our relationship as it happened such a long time ago and anyway it is not something he said, but it was written to him. I just have visions of him laughing at me with his friends, when in fact there is not to suggest this.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 14:59

Thanks for replies. Thing is, I don't even know who wrote the text. A man would not write the first part, I think but still.... Yeah, I'm going to have to talk to him. It's just I was hoping this period of time when I felt things were not right was behind us.

OP posts:

blondie80 · 31/01/2012 15:00

I would ask him too. This is probably the best chance you have to sort out and move past the issue - if you want too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2012 15:02

It may be a long time ago but, two years into what you say is a loving relationship, your partner opted to have a fairly lengthy relationship with someone who was laughing about you for being so stupid into the bargain. Humiliation and betrayal in one neat package. I'd take the love-goggles off for a bit love and start getting angry at being disrespected so comprehensively.

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 15:03

You have to confront him with it. I hate to say this, but if he thinks he has got away with it once, there is a very good chance he will do it again. That isnt an anti-man post, this is what any cheater tends to do unfortunately, male or female.

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2012 15:05

Personally, I don't think the fact that it is a 2 1/2 year old text should put you off confronting him. The fact is that someone sent that text and he was happy to spend time in the company of a person who could be so disrespectful to you.

It's not looking good in my opinion. His behaviour towards you altered during the time that text dates from and even though it is probably over now, I think it will eat away at you unless you challenge him. The signs do point to an affair. If he was mine I'd be very interested to hear his alternative explanation. Do it face to face and you'll be able to tell a lot by his body language and reaction.

Can you get hold of old phone statements, or make a note of the number and phone it, to see what comes up. Some people keep their old number for years. I would have to investigate further.

My initial feeling though, is that if he can cheat on you, then you are better off knowing. If my partner cheated and we didn't have children together, I think I would want to end the relationship and find someone who was going to be honest, respectful and faithful to me.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:05

Cogito - thank you for your advice but I feel it is a bit patronising. How did he humiliate me? I don;t know what he replied to this person. Could it be that he finished it (if it was her of course) because she spoke about me in this way? Everything were just assumptions on my part because there was never any proof. I am not defending him, I am defending my relationship, which may have had a few problems at some point but ever since is fine.

OP posts:

ifeelloved · 31/01/2012 15:06

Oh dear. Possibly not the right advice but I would be looking through his sent texts as well I I were you.

Whatever the outcome, I hope you get though it ok

mojitomania · 31/01/2012 15:08

TheQueen

Hate to say this but I'm sort of going along with with Cognito says here. Doesn't really sound like a match made in heaven.

This would colour everthing for me and I'd never trust him again.

The laughing at me behind my back whoever it was with would do it anyway even if he tells you it was a mate, which is highly likely (it's still disrespectful).

Why do you feel you need to be with him so much

Sorry OP

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:09

Karma - that is the point. I will be forever thinking about it. I don't know for a fact that he cheated on me. He could have been going through a phase (haven't we all) and thought that our relationship was not going anywhere, and then thought better of it, I don't know for sure. All I know is that I felt numb reading this text and surely he needs to explain to me who is this "friend" who speaks about me in these terms.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2012 15:09

This really depends on what your definition of 'fine' is. For me it wouldn't be fine, I'd feel like I'd been lied to, betrayed and yes, disrespected. Not knowing about something, doesn't make it less true. People deserve honesty in their relationships, because if you are going to commit to him long term, then it ought to be from a position of complete knowledge about what you are getting from him.

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 15:12

What hurts is not whether he cheated on me or not; that I can never prove. But it's that someone was having fun at my expense in his presence

You really seem to have your priorities wrong here. You had your suspicions, and that text to me, would confirm that suspicion. It is rare that such suspicions are wrong.

How did he humiliate me? I don;t know what he replied to this person. Could it be that he finished it (if it was her of course) because she spoke about me in this way?

The fact that the text is still there suggests he was probably laughing along with this person. IF he was already seeing someone, is it even relevant that he finished with her because she mocked you???? His actions of seeing someone else behind your back are surely mocking you enough are they not?

Ever since, things have been great with the usual problems couples have.

That depends really on what you see as the "usual problems". I have been married for ten years and we have no problems in our relationship at all, and that is the same for many others.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:15

Mojito - he is my partner, my lover, my best friend, my mother and father, my brother, everything. He has stood by me in these 5 years as no one else has. Even when he was being extra secretive he was always there when I asked him to be, when I needed him. I decided not to push him about my suspicions back then because I wasn't sure and I could not accuse him of anything without proof. I would never go through his statements. As for the sent texts they have been deleted.
I could call the number but to say what? To confirm it is a woman answering? Again it would prove nothing.
I know what you are all saying and I thank you for taking the time to reply. I think the first step is to discuss this with him. Then, we'll take it from there.
So do I scream and shout? :-)

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2012 15:16

People do have wobbles and rough patches and it may well be that he is deeply regretful, but either way you have to know. Some people can recover from affairs, others cannot, but if you are to stand a chance, you need full, honest disclosure from him. Anything else is just papering over the cracks.

If you don't think he will tell you the complete truth, will you be forever doubting his word or worrying about where he is? I think he needs to know that he did not get away with this - you have been hurt and are continuing to hurt. What he did has impacted on your relationship long term. If he doesn't understand the depth of that, then he may well do it again because he thinks what you don't know won't hurt you.

mojitomania · 31/01/2012 15:17

What squeaky has just said rings very true to me. I've been with my boyfriend 3 years now and ok, there is learning to adapt and compromise (was on my own for a long time) but I have never had one tiny little doubt about him being faithful. If it did and even if it was unfounded the fact that I felt like that for whatever reason would indicate that he wasn't the one for me.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:21

Squeakytoy - I don't care about cheating. Whether you agree or not, I honestly could not care less.
How does the text still being there, suggests he was laughing along???
That's great that you hvae no problems in your relationship, but mine has financial problems, family problems, health problems, you-always-forget-to put-pick-up-the-towel-from-the-floor, pasta-again, etc all sorts of things really.

OP posts:

mojitomania · 31/01/2012 15:24

Oh dear OP. Why so angry? Squeaky and I were only saying how we would react to your situation.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:25

karma - very true. I have to know. I need closure on these few months 3 years ago.
We will discuss things this evening and see where it takes us.
Thank you all for all your replies. I have a doctor's appt but will be back to update you. Thank you again, it has put things in some perspective.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:26

mojito - I am not angry. As I said in my OP I am not a native speaker so maybe the wording is all wrong. I am trying to reply to all of you because your questions are straight to the point and they help me see things in a different light.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 15:28

I don't care about cheating. Whether you agree or not, I honestly could not care less

That is your prerogative of course. I find it very very sad, and feel quite sorry for you that you have so little self respect if that is the case.

I dont think there is any more to say really. You asked for opinions, and we have given them.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSparta · 31/01/2012 15:32

Squeaky - I have thanked everyone who read and replied many times.
For the problem I have described it is not the cheating that bothers me otherwise I would have confronted him in 2009 and probably would have ended it then. It is the message that bothers me.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 31/01/2012 15:33

TheQueen - I'd ask him. There's no need to rake over the details of what did or didn't happen, but if you feel uncomfortable at the idea that someone might have been laughing at you with him - and there's evidence that this was the case - then show him and ask him to explain.

You know best what the dynamic of your relationship is. If you don't care about cheating, you don't care. But if disloyalty is really upsetting to you then IMO you should have it out with him.

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