To give away my 40th birthday present from my mother that has just arrived?

[TheRhubarb]

It's a necklace from H Samuel, just arrived in the post. No card, no wrapping and no clues as to who it's from other than the handwriting, which is unmistakably hers.

For anyone who doesn't know, my mother and I have had a huge falling out after my stepdad inappropriately touched my 17yo niece and her friend whilst on holiday with us in France (no molesting but touching their bums, inner thighs whilst pretending to tickle, commenting on their breasts and making them feel uncomfortable). I had a word with my mother about it then days later I get an abusive phone call from her saying may God forgive me because she never would. She then tells everyone I've accused him of being a paedophile and as a result half of my family stopped talking to me and I still have no contact from one of my brothers and recently stopped contact with a sister due to abusive texts.

My mother has always been the instigator and was an abusive mother emotionally.

So now I have this necklace. It's pretty but the way it was just shoved in an envelope and posted makes me want to cry. I don't want it. But I don't know what to do with it. Could I give it to charity? I don't want to sell it as I don't even want to keep the money made from such a sale, I just want to get rid of it.

god, thes mega fucked up. The necklave is not the issue is it? really?
Its that she was abusive, and is now allowing her partner to be abusive

so sorry, but yanbu to be upset here. and you were right to call on this.

avoid em all I say, you are in the right here x

Post it back to her. No stamp. With note 'no thank you'.

Such a grudgingly-given gift is surely for her own 'use'. 'And I sent her a beautiful/expensive gift for her birthday, and not even a phone call'...

sorry short reply - I am pretty annoyed on your behalf!

put it back through her postbox and dont fret, pet.

i too, took sides, when there were accusations. tbh i dont care what anyone says about me or thinks of me. I did what I thought was right. people have a right not to agree with you, and you have a right not to agree with them

Give it to charity.

Personally I would put it in the bin and gain satisfaction from doing so.

Give it to a charity shop, they can do some good with it.

Send it back. And try not to worry too much - you did the right thing.

Return to sender.

I do worry. Everything that ever happened with her was always my fault. If we argued then she'd be ill for days and I'd have everyone on my back telling me it would be my fault if she ended up in hospital. Now when she starts to cry on the phone, I find that if you ignore her and carry on she soon recovers her composure enough to be abusive.

The last communication I had with her was at Christmas. I tried to see my brother who has learning difficulties and who lives in a flat on his own but who is very much under her control. She said he didn't want to see me so I sent her a very reasonable letter telling her that there is no way he would say that. I got a text from her telling me that I must really hate her. That's the second time she's said that.

I still grieve for a mother and I don't want to cause another row by sending it back to her. She would use that against me, telling anyone who cared to listen how she spent money on a beautiful necklace for me but how I sent it back in spite. I've largely ignored anything she sends but made sure the kids always wrote thank you notes for presents.
I'd rather do something with this that might reverse the negativity and benefit someone else so would appreciate suggestions.

this is why e-bay was invented

I would wnat to send it back but that gives her more ammunition. I would sell it and give the money to an appropriate charity.... NSPCC maybe ?

Would it sell on ebay? Or am I better off giving it straight to a charity shop?

I hate birthdays and Christmas because I know that she will make contact then and it just hurts. Why no note? No wrapping? No card? Does she hate me that much? Because you don't just shove something in an envelope like that without wanting to make a point and if that's how she feels, why not send nothing? Why spend money on a pretty hallmarked necklace?

She will use it against you anyway.

Possibly send a shory note thanking her for her 'thoughtful gift'. Leave it at that (what's the worse she can say 'oh she sent me a thank you note'). Put it away in the back of a drawer.

Do your daughterly duty and no more - card and small (impersonal) gift for christmas, birthday and mother's day. Keep contact to minumum and 'cool'. You are smart enough to have her number, so can make the distance you need (for you).

She is unlikely to change but you can bet your boots that if she were to become ill (heaven forbid) or hospital-bound, that you will be the one she calls. Its the way it works out for some reason.

She will never see that she is in the wrong, and you are fighting a losing battle if you try to make her 'see'. Dont argue with her - she uses this to her advantage. When you speak to her, be bright, upbeat and positive. Even if you get off the phone and kick DH/the wall/the cat. Don't give her the satisfaction. She is obviously an unhappy person and you are the target for this for some reason.

Concentrate on your family - she has made her own bed and should be left to lie in it. Dont let this take over your life. Trust me, if it gets into a full blown 'war' you will be the one left emptionally damaged, not her.

Rhubarb, would your daughter like the necklace? Or would it be too painful for you to see her wear it? Just trying to think of a way to 'make it good'.

If you just want it out the house, I'd give it to a charity shop. Ebaying it takes up more time and energy.

Happy birthday, m'dear.

wahwahwah, I made the decision not long after we moved here not to give out my mobile number or phone number to her or half my siblings. This was after receiving nasty texts from a sister at 4am.

She sent me a note telling me that I must really hate her.

I have to communicate every now and then because she has so much control over my brother, whom I love very much. But I have made it very clear that I do not want any contact or presents from her. I send her a card at Christmas and on her birthday and that's it.

You are right about not trying to get her to see my point. It has already left me emotionally damaged I'm afraid. Which is why I took the drastic action of communicating only by letter. The one time she did have dh's mobile number because we were trying to arrange to pick up my brother over Christmas, she sent that text saying I hated her, because I questioned her over why I couldn't see him and what he had actually said.

I want to throw the gift away, it's made me feel so incredibly hurt and sad. But if I were able to do some good with it, it might just help turn the negative into a positive.
I don't know about a thank you note. I dread any reply. When I see her handwriting on an envelope my stomach lurches. I would never let her see this and always act confident and in control, but deep down I'm far from it.

No Poledra, it would be painful and my dd would neither take it nor wear it. At 11 she's beginning to understand the pain my mother causes me, although I hardly speak about her and have never denied her contact with the kids. She doesn't seem to want to make contact with them however, other than boxes of All Gold chocolates at Christmas with a card telling them how much she loves and misses them.

Send it to a women's refuge / Women's Aid - to give to a woman who needs some cheering up or a birthday present.
Or in it's wrapping to a charity shop.

Then just charity-shop it, as soon as possible.

I'm sorry that you have te deal with this.

On a completely different tangent, I like your blog.

In the box to a charity shop. One of the more high street ones will get a better price or put it on Ebay themselves.

Thanks everyone, I'll do that but perhaps will look around for a children's charity shop. And thanks Poledra

That is such a sad thing. It is a shame that you need to have contact at all - but for your brothers sake... who will look out for him when she dies though?

Don't question her actions or motives - she will try to aggrivate you and obviously enjoys this. Have you ever called her on you 'hating' her and turned it around to her 'I dont hate you mum - I dont know why you would think this. However, you have done and said many things to me over my life which makes me believe that you hate me'?

I would send a short note. Very short. Thank you, and that you dont want her to spend her money on you any more (in a nice way - suggest that she uses her money for your DB). Keep lines open (just) because you do have to communicate with her and you really dont want her to cut off access to your brother.

Maybe give the necklace to a charity shop of your choice (maybe in your brothers name?).

Remember that you are learning from this how NOT to treat your own children. Please dont let it leave a little festering poisoned corner in your soul. It only gets worse and doesn't heal. She is barmy and can't help herself.

Oh and I would speak to the 'nasty' sister and tell her that if she ever contacts you or anyone in your family again without complete respect, you will be over there with a baseball bat. Then deny it when she goes whining to mum.

wahwahwah, she has handed over complete care of my brother upon her death to social services and I have been informed by them that I will not be informed of any meetings or reviews.

The first time she said I hated her I did send a reply outlining why I made the decision not to give out my phone numbers. I can see it obviously made no difference. I will send a note of thanks and another request that she does not spend money on me.

The nasty sister has been abusive to everyone but we can't have a go at her because she has a son with Downs Syndrome and this is apparently why we don't care about her. She recently sent my heavily pregnant niece a text which read "I hope you don't have a disabled baby because then your family would disown you". The next day my niece was involved in a serious car crash but thankfully the baby is ok.

I have threatened both my sister and my mother with legal action if they did not stop harrassing my eldest brother (who suffers from PTSD, had attempted suicide and was in the throes of a breakdown) with vile texts and phone calls. I told them that every message they sent was being forwarded to me. That stopped it for a while but not for long with my sister.

It's a fucked up family. 3 brothers, 2 sisters. I only have contact with 1 brother and 1 sister. I call my youngest brother every weekend but haven't seen him for 18 months now.

Dear god. Can you do anything with the ss about your brother? Surely they would prefer a sibling to be involved in his ongoing care, rather than a bunch of strangers?

Nasty sister, I would still be inclined to put her right. Downs or no Downs, she is a using her child as a shield to be a complete ratbag to you and your brother. I would tell her - 'we all love (sons name), its you we dont like.'

Back away from them. What about your dad - is he still around? Stick with the family you get on with and don't grieve for the loss of a 'nice and loving' family. They don't exist, so get on with your life. It sounds like there is a lot of damage and you really don't want this passed onto the next generation.

Mad evil old bat. Clearly she doesn't feel she's getting enough attention! You know, it would probably have felt worse if she'd wrapped it up nicely and written a card - then you'd've ended up confused and guilt-tripped as well as all the rest that you're feeling anyway.

No matter what you do, she'll find some way to make it your fault and try to have a row over it. Even if you sent her "thank-you" note, there'd still be something wrong. So you can't factor her reaction into your decision about what to do. There's no point - you can't win that one (except by learning not to care, which is a tough one).

Charity shop is the quickest.

social services have agreed to take over his care and have informed me that I have no right to be involved, particularly after her death.

My dad is around yes, living in the Orkneys. sorry, will have to come back to this another time. thanks for caring :)