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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we should tell BIL what MIL said?

50 replies

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:29

Actually it's a WWYD because I'm really in two minds :(

MIL is a total PITA and BIL and she have very little relationship to speak of. BIL is getting married in April.

This weekend MIL phoned DH (so BIL's brother obv) to complain about dh's sister who is living with her following a divorce. Blah blah she never pay for anything, blah blah she runs off all the hot water blah blah and then 'Anyway she can't be trusted with money so we've written her out of our will and we can't write her out and leave you and your brother anything so we've written you two out as well'

Now I don't give a fuck what they do with their Tudorbethan suburban pile in 25 years time. I'm not massively happy about her calling dh at the weekend and saying 'we were going to give you some money but now we're not' because it's just another attempt to get him to argue with her (she loves a barney) but she can do what she wants with her money.

BIL and SIL to be are visiting this weekend. We normally share anything that's happened with MIL - kind of like a support group but dh thinks BIL might blow up about this and uninvite her to the wedding and he says he'd hate to be responsible for that. I say he won't be responsible for that - she will. Ahhh dunno...

Thing is we would normally talk about stuff so not saying anything will feel like keeping it from him rather than just not mentioning it.

On the other hand she might well be talking out of her arse anyway - she just loves a conversational bomb. Once she claimed to have Alzheimers for that very reason.

So dunno. WWYD?

OP posts:

whackamole · 31/01/2012 12:33

I think I would tell him (or get DH to). I'm not a fan of sticking my beak in, but she is being deliberately spiteful to her two sons because she is pissed off with her daughter. I think if I was in the same situation I wouldn't be able to keep my trap shut!

I think lots of people will say don't say anything though. IMO it's not about the will, it's the fact that she is a nasty person, has basically bitched about her daughter to her son and then dropped a bombshell that will affect all the children but left her one son to deal with it.

TandB · 31/01/2012 12:34

I wouldn't say anything personally - you say yourself she is looking for a barney, so repeating what she said will give her exactly what she wants.

dutchyoriginal · 31/01/2012 12:34

I'd tell him, because if he finds out later about you two not telling him, it will ruin the "support group" relationship you all have together.

AThingInYourLife · 31/01/2012 12:34

If the deal the siblings have to deal with their toxic mother is to tell each other of her latest manipulative bullshit, then I think your DH should honour that.

minimisschief · 31/01/2012 12:34

tell him if he does and she was just stirring she would have learnt a valuable lesson.

edwinbear · 31/01/2012 12:34

Sounds like MIL is attention seeking and looking for a big family row to me. Personally, I would probably ignore it and let her carry on ranting without getting the attention she seems to crave.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2012 12:35

If you think your BIL would dismiss it as mother talking her usual load of old inflammatory rubbish then share it with him in that 'you'll never guess what the mad old bat's said now?' sort of way. If you think it would cause ructions, keep it to yourself. Just because she's loaded the gun, doesn't mean you have to fire it. :)

JustHecate · 31/01/2012 12:35

Nothing.

She can do what she wants with her money. No such thing as an inheritance while the person is still alive! At this point it's just her cash!

A reaction is what she wants. She is probably trying to use money to have a hold over people.

Some people do that. Dangle the cash to make you dance to their tune. Best thing to do is to say "It's your money, do what you like with it"

It takes all the power away from them.

eeyore2 · 31/01/2012 12:36

oh dear, commiserations, she sounds truly horrible. Not sure what you should do about your bil, how far away is the wedding? Any chance you could wait until after and tell him you didn't want to spoil the lovely run-up to the big day?

mojitomania · 31/01/2012 12:37

Maybe in this instance I'd keep quiet and see what transpires due to wedding coming up etc. If it is mentioned by MIL to BIL and you are put on the spot just say you "forgot" due to thinking she was spouting a load of hot air.

I'm a very busy, dizzy, forgetful person in these instances

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 12:37

I doubt very much she has actually trotted off to her solicitor to change her will.

However if she has a son who would uninvite her to his wedding because he was not going to get an inheritance, then I think she ought to.

Sounds to me like she has a couple of children with a sense of entitlement.

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:38

Thanks - this is helpful because it's basically the same things we're saying to ourselves - don't want to not tell him something he's going to find out later (and if he wouldn't invite her to the wedding then that's his decision right?) but also don't want to play her manipulative little game. Or spoil what's a great time for BIL and SIL who've been througha lot recetnly and have come out of it with this lovely event to look forward to :(

OP posts:

JustHecate · 31/01/2012 12:38

Actually, having read the other replies, I've changed my mind They're right and I'm wrong.

Tell him. But in a 'you'll never guess what she's said this time' way and leading straight on to analysis of her motives and a suggestion that you all do and say nothing because she is clearly trying to 'divide and rule' and upset you all.

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:40

I knew we'd get the entitlement bollocks - seriously I don't give a fuck about her money and nor does dh it's the unpleasant manipulation - we're talking about an event which is probably so far in the future as to be hypothetical - it's about her being a complete ....[gives up trying to think of a word which isn't seriously unfeminist]

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 31/01/2012 12:41

It won't spoil their wedding - why would it?

Even if she's really changed her will, so what?

Don't let this be the thing that prises the siblings' united front apart.

She has more power if she can get them hiding things from one another.

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 12:42

I wasnt talking about you.. more about your BIL and your SIL.

One is an adult living rent free with her parents, the other would uninvite her from his wedding if he thought he wasnt getting any money out of her when she is dead.

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:42

Thanks Hecate that makes sense. Post match analysis and 'won't it piss her off when we all say "which charity are you leaving it too, Oh that's lovely"'

OP posts:

cheekyseamonkey · 31/01/2012 12:43

I think you have to tell him, obviously he can react however he likes, but I'd put fwd the view that she IS attention seeking & that saying anything much to her will give her what she wants.

So she doesn't keep on, nip it in the bud, get bil to casually mention to her that he thinks it'd be a great idea for her to enjoy her money whilst she's alive. Take the power away. She will, of course find something else, deal with that when it happens. Good luck

JerichoStarQuilt · 31/01/2012 12:44

I would get your DH to say to his mum that she cannot expect him to keep something like that from his brother, TBH! She should not be expecting him and you to listen to her making comments like that about a family member, it's really nasty and she must know it could spoil their close relationship.

If my brother were hearing this sort of thing about me, I hope he'd stand up to my mum a bit about it.

sherbetpips · 31/01/2012 12:44

keep out of this one - it will screw up the wedding.

MIL's bitch and whinge all the time about their children and in-law's. Mine is generally okay but we also have the 'support group' where we tell each other what has been said, it is always awful and I guess I wish by BIL and SIL didnt feel the need to tell me!

At some point one of them will get power of attorney and can stop all the money going to the donkeys..... (like my Dad had to!)

Vix286 · 31/01/2012 12:45

Agree with JustHecate it's what me and DH do with SIL about FIL behaviour, play it down and say "like we want her money anyway! Can't believe she thinks we would all get bothered about it"

She wants you to act like squeakytoy is suggesting, to make a deal about it and therefore be "grabbing children"

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:47

Well SIL is seriously despressed and BIL just hates her anyway. It's not money I don't think - with anyone. SHe just doesn't get that families support one another.

OP posts:

HintofBream · 31/01/2012 12:47

Yes, ignore the 'entitlement' stuff. Of course you are entitled, your husband and his siblings are her family. My DCs are entitled to as much as we can possibly leave them. That is what families are for.

YuleingFanjo · 31/01/2012 12:47

I don't think you should tell him. Refuse to get involved. She is probably dying for you to tell him but the best thing you can do is not be the go-between!

minouminou · 31/01/2012 12:51

I think you should do a bit of blue sky thinking and present the news to BIL as if she's decided to give her money to charity, rather than family. So when the subject comes up at the wedding (as it may well do, as MIL will be wondering why it's not kicked off already) , he won't be angry and the charity angle will sideswipe her.

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