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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we should tell BIL what MIL said?

50 replies

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:29

Actually it's a WWYD because I'm really in two minds :(

MIL is a total PITA and BIL and she have very little relationship to speak of. BIL is getting married in April.

This weekend MIL phoned DH (so BIL's brother obv) to complain about dh's sister who is living with her following a divorce. Blah blah she never pay for anything, blah blah she runs off all the hot water blah blah and then 'Anyway she can't be trusted with money so we've written her out of our will and we can't write her out and leave you and your brother anything so we've written you two out as well'

Now I don't give a fuck what they do with their Tudorbethan suburban pile in 25 years time. I'm not massively happy about her calling dh at the weekend and saying 'we were going to give you some money but now we're not' because it's just another attempt to get him to argue with her (she loves a barney) but she can do what she wants with her money.

BIL and SIL to be are visiting this weekend. We normally share anything that's happened with MIL - kind of like a support group but dh thinks BIL might blow up about this and uninvite her to the wedding and he says he'd hate to be responsible for that. I say he won't be responsible for that - she will. Ahhh dunno...

Thing is we would normally talk about stuff so not saying anything will feel like keeping it from him rather than just not mentioning it.

On the other hand she might well be talking out of her arse anyway - she just loves a conversational bomb. Once she claimed to have Alzheimers for that very reason.

So dunno. WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:52

dh was going to speak to her and say that he's seeing BIL this weekend and will emntion it unless she wants to first but I said I thought that was just satrting a lovely juicy drama for her. And yeas she does, she wants us to be upset so that she can take the moral high ground and say loftily that it is her money to do with as she sees fit. Thing is at Christmas she was in her kitchen asking me plaintively why no-one wants to come to her for Christmas Day. It's THIS you silly .... :(

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:54

I think they are giving it to charity. Knowing them it'll be the Organisation for the Protection of Retired Bankers or something . I'll bet the realisation that they can't take it with them has been difficult...

OP posts:

minouminou · 31/01/2012 12:55

Ha ha!

minouminou · 31/01/2012 12:57

On second thoughts, go for the bright, breezy option with your BIL in on it. "She's trying to cause trouble, this is what we do to take the wind out of her leathery wings "

minouminou · 31/01/2012 12:57

...sails....that should have read....

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 12:59

smirking at 'leathery wings'

OP posts:

Vix286 · 31/01/2012 12:59

Tell BIL and if MIL brings it up with any of you, all agree to say:

"oh no, MIL please don't talk about that, you've got years left in you yet we can't bear to think about you being gone" or some bollocks like that.

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 13:00

And at Vix...

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2012 13:01

"dh was going to speak to her and say that he's seeing BIL this weekend and will emntion it unless she wants to first"
Go no, you're right, she'd love that!

"Post match analysis and 'won't it piss her off when we all say "which charity are you leaving it too, Oh that's lovely"'"
Definitely the way to go - it maintains the group support, and deflates the old bag.

Damned decent of BIL/SIL-to-be to invite her to the wedding at all if this is typical of her.

minouminou · 31/01/2012 13:01

Combine both approaches for a real smackdown......
Crash and burn......

Vix286 · 31/01/2012 13:02

The only way to keep sane with a screwy IL is to have a bit of fun back I find!!

TheBigJessie · 31/01/2012 13:05

If you don't discuss it with BiL, will she call him and say "I've discussed my will with your brother. What, he didn't tell you? Fancy that..."

You know, the whole divide and conquer routine.

Original poster

NameChangeVariant600 · 31/01/2012 13:10

Hmmmm Jessie possibly - although BIL doesn't speak to her on the phone so SIL-to-be does...

She's already muttering about getting them a 'little token something' for their wedding though (Why? Buy them a fucking present) so maybe something like handing it over and then saying 'Well we got you something because we've just changed the will...' would suffice for her purposes?

OP posts:

minouminou · 31/01/2012 13:16

She really is a piece of work, isn't she?

Your BIL needs to be briefed beforehand and hopefully he'll agree to the deflating tactics.

TheBigJessie · 31/01/2012 13:19

PS: she obviously wants you all to resent SIL for losing you any bequest. Don't fall into that trap!

I think you should each suggest charities, and pretend to compete for her favour for your chosen charity. Every time she brings up the will, it will be your cue to go into the grisly details of exactly charity A could do with her money.

If her reward for trying to sow discontent is a perky son and DIL explaining the details of dialysis, or something, she'll shut up quite fast.

hackmum · 31/01/2012 13:22

What would you achieve by telling him? You'd cause a huge family row just before his wedding. Everyone would be upset: MiL, BiL, and uncle Tom Cobbley and all. In any case, she probably doesn't mean it. It sounds like she's a drama queen and is just saying it to get attention. People like that are best ignored.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2012 13:23

Loving TheBigJessie's suggestion of competitive charity promoting .

igetcrazytoo · 31/01/2012 13:33

What a daft thing for MIL to say.did the MIL say it was for your ears only. If not, then I think its ."open information"

Think to the future, which will cause more grief: a falling out with Bil and wife because you DIDN't say anything, or BIL falling out with his mother (which sounds like its shaky already).

You could broach the information in a jokey way, as if you really believe that she was just wound up and spewing forth, and will change her mind. Plus there could be a good chance she's already told him.

So, I agree with the others who say tell BIL, but in a "did you get that phone call too! What is she like? Oh well..... more wine?"

lollilou · 31/01/2012 13:35

I would tell him before or after the wedding I think as others have said you run the risk of losing your solidarity bond between you all. My Mum tries(and sometimes succeeds) in talking about us(3 sisters) in a very strange way basically she puts her views in our words if you see what I mean ie "Lolli thinks you spend far too much money on your Dd" and although we all know she does it it has still caused trouble between us.

TheBigJessie · 31/01/2012 13:35

AThingInYourLife · 31/01/2012 13:43

OMG no - d

AThingInYourLife · 31/01/2012 13:45

OMG no - don't get into any "threats" to tell BIL or discussion of same.

That is playing her game.

Just tell him and you all treat it with the derision it deserves.

SuePurblybilt · 31/01/2012 13:50

YY, tell them and BigJessie's idea is spot on. The RSPCA and others do lovely wee leaflets trying to get written into wills, perhaps send off for a few?

Merrylegs · 31/01/2012 13:50

I wouldn't mention it because it isn't worth mentioning.

I mean, it's a non-issue isn't it?

As you say, she has form for spouting looney tunes, so just ignore it.

I would have said to her 'I'm not sure what you want me to do with that information so I'm just going to leave it with you.'

Because it is of absolutely no consequence to you, it is not worth a conversation with anyone.

Concentrate on your BIL and his news.

Or is your relationship based mainly on the drama caused by your MIL?

Because by giving it oxygen you are kind of making it an important thing when, by your own admission it is likely to be hypothetical.

2rebecca · 31/01/2012 13:56

I wouldn't be angry or upset about it. It is her money she can do what she likes with it. If she lives to a good age it may all go on living expenses, carers etc anyway.
If my dad said he thought we had decided to give any money left when he died to charity i wouldn't get angry with him. It's his money, not mine. Ignore it, she is deciding what to do about her money, that is her decision and none or your or your BIL's businesses.

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