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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that most people would not say that they had a happy childhood.

70 replies

shewhowines · 31/01/2012 09:03

Just reaching the big 4 0 and contemplating life!

I look back on my childhood and remember the tears of not getting what I wanted. Money wasn't exactly overflowing either, but I would say that generally I had a very happy childhood.

From talking to friends in the past, I am left with the impression that I was lucky, and that most people cannot say that they had a happy childhood.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 31/01/2012 09:37

I remember fantasing about social services taking me away or finding out that I was mixed up in the hospital and being returned to my real family.

Whatmeworry · 31/01/2012 09:37

Lovely childhood. Twenties fun but harder, gets easier after that.

startail · 31/01/2012 09:41

UABVVU
I am sorry you didn't have an altogether happy childhood, but I'm certain that for most people the good out weighs the bad.

I was very lucky that I was brought up in a beautiful place by parents who love each other and love me.
I had a lovey, if annoying younger sister and a bunch of friends to play with.
Yes I'm a bit eccentric and this got me bullied sometimes, but school was only ever part of my day.
I always had the safe haven of home, books and cycling round the beautiful countryside and to see friends.
I'm pretty clever and doing my exams with a play hard, work only when necessary and generally wrap school round our little fingers peer group certainly didn't hurt.

The only thing I didn't have as a child was lots of money or posh holidays, but my parents worked extremely hard to make sure we never went without.

pooka · 31/01/2012 09:45

I don't agree. I think most people I know had happy childhoods, barring a couple of friends who didn't.

Laquitar · 31/01/2012 09:46

I am older 10yrs. I lived a big tragedy and as a result we had few years of poverty and homlessnes. But honestly, apart from the 2 hellish days of the event (shock and fear) the rest of my childhood was very happy. Lots of love, togetherness, community spirit, extended family, laugh. Thats why sometimes i tell parents here to not worry about expensive presents etc. My parents were poor but quite creative and very warm.

Among my friends- i find that my British friends of my generation say things like what Birds says about emotional needs, so maybe this was the parenting spirit in Britain those days. Also some had alcoholism in the family. Tbh both things were rare in Spain. But there was DV and sexism (not my dad) as well as political problems. We all dreamt of living in uk or usa, we thought it was Paradise.

MooncupGoddess · 31/01/2012 09:54

Hmm, I'm not sure I was suited to childhood. I hated the lack of control over my life, not knowing how to do things, complicated friendship dramas, the continual possibility of humiliation for doing something I didn't even know was wrong. My parents (though lovely in many ways) were the old-style British don't-show-your-feelings type so I never really got much help with dealing with my emotions.

Of course I had some very happy times, but I have been astonished ever since the age of about 19 by just how brilliant adult life (or my life!) is in comparison with childhood.

gramercy · 31/01/2012 09:56

I think we do have the tendency to judge the past using contemporary values.

I've read of so many people complaining that their fathers were distant, and not "hands on". But none were 30+ years ago! They weren't bad men, or emotionally distant, they were just fathers who spend their spare time in a shed/reading the paper. I'm sure in a few decades' time some of our childrearing skills will be questioned, and our dcs will no doubt be berating us for our crapness.

HeartOfArse · 31/01/2012 09:56

I had a very happy childhood, despite my parents having a nasty separation and divorce when I was 7 yrs old, and us having very little money.

My parents were loving and kind people, basically, and my mum, especially, gave me a great feeling of stability and comfort.

WilsonFrickett · 31/01/2012 10:04

I had a very dodgy childhood, parents split up when I was tiny, DV at one point (my mother had a habit of marrying people she shouldn't!), then the only (double!) divorced child in a small Catholic school. DM worked full time at a time when most women didn't (she had to), then remarried again and had my DB when I was a teenager.

My mum made a lot of bad choices and was not a brilliant parent, but she did the best she could with the circs she had. I still have massive problems with my SD but with age I see that some of those couldn't be helped - most 8 yo's can't accept their third 'dad' in a row with open arms, even if he had been a prince amongst men (which he isn't).

Despite all that - I had a really, really happy childhood. Brilliant friends, lots of books, adoring DGPs, freedom to run around and disappear for entire days on our bikes.

When I write all that out it sounds like a misery book plot - but I think I'm a pretty resilient person and have always been able to compartmentalise things well.

sunshineandbooks · 31/01/2012 10:04

I had a very happy childhood - stable, with parents who loved me and did their best for me. Only since reaching adulthood and talking to lots of other people have I come to realise how lucky I was.

Mine was dramatically ended at 18, shortly after I left home, when my mother died, but I think the childhood I had was in part what helped me to deal with that effectively and has certainly stood me in good stead as an adult.

ballroompink · 31/01/2012 10:16

I wouldn't say mine was amazingly happy, no. Home life was generally fine, no money issues or marital problems from my parents' point of view; we were always well cared for and supported, many happy memories of holidays, games, family occasions etc.

However I was bullied quite a lot at both primary and secondary school which left me with a lot of anxiety and other mental health problems. The bullying and friendship dramas came to a head in the first couple of years of secondary school and although my parents tried hard to tackle the problems, as the secondary school years went on and things didn't really improve they very much took on the attitude that it must be at least partly my fault and adopted a very 'just pull youself together and stop being pathetic' approach.

I was not close to them as a teenager and this caused resentment which came to a head when I really started to struggle more with mental health issues once I went to university and again came up against the 'stop being pathetic' attitude. We had a difficult few years but things are fine now and I am much close to them. I much prefer adult life.

Jamillalliamilli · 31/01/2012 10:34

Gramercy I don?t know.
I judge mine by the standards of the day, in the place we were, and the situation as was. Things were very different then.

I laughed at Kladdaka?s 'I remember fantasing about social services taking me away' because I did get repeatedly taken away, and remember fantasising about being taken off of social services. :-D

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 31/01/2012 10:48

I had a very happy childhood, I don't ever remember wanting for anything and I always felt loved and secure.

I think I was very lucky and I hope my children look back on their childhood with such fondness.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2012 10:51

My childhood was fantastic....mum and dad were wonderful, I have no bad memories at all.

Bonsoir · 07/08/2012 13:42

Bits of my childhood were happier than others. For five and half years - from seven to nearly 13 - my parents chose to live in a village that involved long commutes for the whole family to work/school/shopping etc. I do not recall that part of my childhood as very happy. I think my parents were always hankering after peace and quiet and forget to work out how much travel that involved (if you wanted to go anywhere) and how much boredom that implied (once you were there). And of course they were permanently shattered!

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 07/08/2012 13:52

Mine was ok...born in 1960, we were pretty poor, dad with 3 jobs to pay the mortgage.
Never encouraged to do anything, not much interest shown in me, but I was looked after.
Loved my dad, quite ambivalent about my mum

missymoomoomee · 07/08/2012 13:57

I don't remember ever being happy in my childhood apart from when I was at school. I can't say I ever sit and dwell on it though and in a way I'm glad because it has made me determined to give my kids the childhood I never had.

peeriebear · 07/08/2012 14:01

I had a very happy childhood indeed, all thanks to my mum- I never had the slightest inkling that my dad was spending all his wages on drinking and playing cards and we were usually stony broke until I was old enough to leave home, by which time my mum walked out on my dad. (Fond memories of my dad, who was and is a lovely man, but was a shit husband)
DH had a fucking shit childhood and it breaks my heart to think of him not having any happy memories.

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 07/08/2012 14:03

I think i had a pretty happy childhood. My mother was ill from the time i was about 7 onwards, she was unable to go out for most of the time she had 4 heart attacks in and out of hospital etc, people say wow that must have been hard but actually i dont remember it as hard. She died when i was 17 and my dad went crazy (totally out of control marrying right left and centre etc) those years WERE hard.

TeapotsInJune · 07/08/2012 14:07

Mine looked blissful - we grew up in a cottage in the woods, spent weeks abroad in the south of France and were affluent enough.

The reality was real isolation. No one ever came to play as we lived so far away and I found it hard to relate to other children as a result. My mother was a very volatile woman and my dad would rarely challenge her about us but was a snarky git towards her as well. My brother was violent towards me and I was always bullied throughout school. Hmm

I don't have many happy memories of my childhood. I look through pictures and I remember the reality behind the smiles.

nokidshere · 07/08/2012 14:08

Most of my friends had a relatively happy childhood as far as I know. Mine own was rather crap (major understatement) having been brought up in the care system.

My goal in life is to make sure my boys have the best childhood i can give them.

DuelingFanjo · 07/08/2012 14:09

We were poor and I was ugly and bullied and went to loads of different schools and moved from house to house and my parents argued a lot. I look back and the happy bits are worth remembering more than the sad bits. Maybe some of us have different outlooks on life, different chemistry, which makes us less likely to dwell on the bad parts?

RedWhiteAndBlu · 07/08/2012 14:12

I had a very happy childhood.

It makes me even more sad that while it is so easy to provide a happy childhood in an ordinary family, with modest / ordinary resources and ordinary parents (as I had) so many children are denied this.

GrimmaTheNome · 07/08/2012 14:13

I had a very happy childhood. . DH didn't. Fortunately he's the sort to have learned what not to do ask a parent from his experience so DD is (as far as I can tell) now having and extremely happy childhood.

LynetteScavo · 07/08/2012 14:14

I was once talking to two friends. He was brought up on a large council estate in a city in the north east, his parents weren't always in work. She grew in a beautiful large house in the middle of the lake district, and wanted for nothing (private school, lots of holidays abroad and nice clothes). Her parents are really, really lovely people - I've known them for about 20 years now.

He claimed he had a marvelous childhood -she claimed hers was miserable as she lived miles from anywhere, and had to drive to see friends, and there was nothing to do. She now lives in central London, funnily enough. I was really surprised to hear their own opinions about their life, as I would have thought the opposite.

FWIW, I wouldn't say my childhood was unhappy, but I didn't really enjoy it, for various reasons, which, with hindsight is a shame.

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