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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to assume she obviously bitches about me too..

31 replies

RastyNash · 30/01/2012 22:26

So i have a friend who bitches about another mutual friend yet goes to parties at her house and meets with her frequently despite telling me she feels so suffocated by her.

Recently i have come to realise that perhaps we aren't quite the good friends i thought we were as it dawned on me that she cancels seeing me using the other friend as a reason not to come (saying she just cant face seeing her again), allowed this friend to visit her 2 or 3 times when she was in hospital but told me she was too tired the night i offered.

Latest thing she told me she wasn't inviting my dd to her ds's party (they r the same age) because it was boys only, it transpired it wasn't, but she told me in would mean inviting this mutual friend (no child age of birthday boy) and other girls and so the boys only was the only way to go about it.

I can't help feeling like perhaps all along she has been bitching about me too. I have tried to be a good friend and also never force myself on her as i know she likes her space but now i feel i have been a fool.

AIBU and jumping to conclusions. Even my dh is now feeling uncomfortable about it and normally everything goes straight over his head!

Can't help feeling like an idiot and i suppose a bit hurt.

AIBU

OP posts:

ViviPru · 30/01/2012 22:30

You just need to distance yourself. It sounds as though she doesn't really value your friendship.

She can't be very good company if she's always bitching and moaning about people. Would you really miss her if you had less to do with her?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/01/2012 22:30

Could be it's time to distance yourself from her. I have no idea if/what she does or says behind your back, but someone who will say to you what she says about the mutual friend... well, to the mutual friend, she could be saying the same about you!
Life's too short to be worrying about things like that. Do you get on with the mutual friend? Can you find other things to do, and other friends to socialise with, so that you're not relying on this person so much?
It's always a shame when we have to admit someone isn't who we thought they were, but at least you have seen through her before she did anything really nasty/mean/hurtful

Everyothercloud · 30/01/2012 22:31

Yanbu to assume that someone who bitches to you about a so called friend is doing the same to you. Try to call it right down with her.. Into nothing

LadyEatsCrispsALot · 30/01/2012 22:34

Any 'friendship' that makes you feel rubbish isn't really worth it, is it? Sorry xxx

Original poster

RastyNash · 30/01/2012 22:36

i dont really rely on this friend. I have lots of other stuff going on but i always made time to see her perhaps once or twice a week. Mutual friend is also being shunned at the moment by her. She is lovely but over bearing which is why this pal 'bitched' about her. Not really bitchy person tbh, she is a nice girl and i don't think she is intentionally being hurtful but i cant help feeling paranoid by her recent treatment of myself.

OP posts:

LadyEatsCrispsALot · 30/01/2012 22:38

Can you talk to her about how you are feeling? There may be a genuine reason for this 'shunning' of mutual friend?

bushymcbush · 30/01/2012 22:39

I think anyone who bitches about anyone is capable of bitching about you. She doesn't sound like much of a friend to you or your mutual friend.

TCOB · 30/01/2012 22:41

I feel your pain . I made what I thought were lots of really nice friends during mat leave and then found out a couple of the really bitchy ones were calling me behind my back for being full of myself because I tried to organise meet-ups. It was desperately hurtful and now I'm distancing myself from the one I thought was a really close friend because I don't feel I can trust her when she is close to these others. My crime BTW? By going back to work I 'suddenly dropped' them. Want to cry thinking about it. They're all much older and didn't have to work. YANBU. I would be very hurt too, for myself and DCs.

Bumblequeen · 30/01/2012 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RastyNash · 30/01/2012 22:49

not sure she is trying to be clever about the situation. Doubt she has the head space for that. However her recent actions speak louder than words and i do feel terribly hurt by it all. I thought we were good friends.

We have alot in common and have similar issues/problems which we have spent many an afternoon chatting about over coffee. i kind of though we understood each other and were alies. Doesnt feel quite like that now.

OP posts:

Bumblequeen · 30/01/2012 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RastyNash · 30/01/2012 22:50

tcob that sounds horrible. Sorry you have had this experience. It is so hurtful when friends let you down like this.

OP posts:

CBear6 · 30/01/2012 23:35

The thing to remember is that those who gossip p you are generally gossiping about you. It's an awful truth but so apt in so many cases.

YANBU to feel let down. Maybe taking a step back would be best? See other friends and put a little distance between the two of you, not cutting her out just seeing her less often.

Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2012 23:49

I second what Cbear said and it's a lesson learn't about not listing to 'bitching', doesn't sound as though either of you has been a real friend to the other woman, or you would have stopped her in her tracks when she said anything bad about what was supposed to be a 'mutual friend'.

Move on and put it behind you.

PastGrace · 30/01/2012 23:53

One of the best things a teacher at school ever said to a group of my friends and me (after the sort of falling out that only teenage girls can do) was "if someone will gossip to you, they will gossip about you. You've all done it, so either you all need to move on or you all need to stop doing it".

YANBU to be hurt.

bobbledunk · 31/01/2012 00:58

I always assume that people who bitch and gossip about others to me will turn around to the next person and bitch and gossip about me. So I don't bother with them

suburbophobe · 31/01/2012 01:11

So true.

I stopped with a friend who was always disparaging others. Suddenly dawned on me that I would be on the list too

She was having an affair - didn't approve but let her talk - and then she blamed me when I mentioned it to her "best friend" thinking she would know but she didn't know at all.

Talk about shooting the messenger. Thank god I'm out of that vipers nest!

Whatmeworry · 31/01/2012 07:32

What bobble said.

TCOB · 31/01/2012 22:44

Wow, it's amazing what a bit of solidarity will do for perspective! There are some people who are just a bit shit at friendships and having a child the same age as you won't change that. Rasty what do you think you will do from hereon in? FWIW I feel I've just read some wise words and will act accordingly.

neverfear · 01/02/2012 09:41

I'm a firm believer of "who bitches to you bitches about you". IME this has always been the case. As for friendship, well if I were you I would keep a distance based on the examples you've given.

TroublesomeEx · 01/02/2012 09:44

YANBU. I would also assume I am being bitched about.

I don't engage in bitching (even if I don't like the person) and do challenge it.

I've found a lot of people are quite happy to bitch mercilessly. So I don't have many friends!

PopcornBiscuit · 01/02/2012 11:18

She doesn't sound like a good friend, I'm afraid.

FreePeaceSweet · 01/02/2012 11:46

I have been dumped as a friend several times due to my dislike of gossip. I know, I know I sound dull but having been the subject of nasty and malicious gossip in the past I made the decision to never talk about people who weren't there to defend themselves. I make a point of saying that I'm not comfortable talking about them in their absence and I get treated like some weirdo. Its just not fair. Also, anything that involves your sex life, gossip about people I don't know, dreams, holidays, work... is just boring. I'm boring. I'm fine with that. At least people know where they stand with me. :)

Latsia · 01/02/2012 11:47

YANBU.

PopcornBiscuit · 01/02/2012 11:48

You sound great FreePeaceSweet, a really nice person who I'm sure is a decent and trustworthy friend :)

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