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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to run? (Divorce)

27 replies

Stressymoo · 30/01/2012 22:08

My husband has asked for a divorce today a letter arrived saying that i had not paid a bill (catologue) as i have not been able to pay for a few months (yes stupid i know) but we have 3 children and i was on maternity pay so i put it off i was hopeing.to grab the mail before my husband as today i have been paid and could

have paid the bloody bill off. well my husband got to it first now due to.my own fault my husband has said he wants a divorce and in the space of an afternoon has the papers to fill in.

Now he's telling me not to contest the divorce that it will be cheaper and that to bring the kids in to it he will be going for full custody and i will lose due.to the fact.i have epilepsy and it is too dangerous for me to have the kids on my own so he refuses to leave and thinks i should leave

so i lay here now sobbing lost the love of my life and.my children i feel so useless i don't want to.put my kids through all this i love my babies so much but what kind of useless mum i'm i?? I can.not live without my family as it is i jut want to run to vanish and leave them.all to get on with there lives

i coukd not stand to be without my babies everyday

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 30/01/2012 22:12

You are not a useless Mum and you will not lose your babies.

But you do need to find yourself a good solicitor ASAP.

princesspuds · 30/01/2012 22:14

Firstly, your husband is acting like a prick and feeding you a load of bull about you losing custody of you children.

My ex husband tried all that with me as I am also epileptic, he then met some much younger (also epileptic) girl and didn't want to know his 3 dc.

It won't happen, but I would be getting in contact with a solicitor just to protect yourself.

Original poster
Stressymoo · 30/01/2012 22:15

So not to.drip.feed

His reasons are that he can not trust me and i lied

I have now paid.off the bill.tonight

our 3 children are all under 5

I work PT he is a SAHD left work due to my epilepsy

we have been together 9years married 3

OP posts:
ChitChatInChaos · 30/01/2012 22:16

He is not divorcing you become of one unpaid bill. That is merely an excuse. You need a solicitor quickly, he seems to have been planning this for awhile.

Seabright · 30/01/2012 22:18

Agree it's not because of one bill. But, can the children safely be left with you?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/01/2012 22:20

He is trying to undermine you and make you feel bad - think of it as psychological warfare almost. If he can depress you, and bring you down, and get you doubting yourself, he can walk away with everything he wants without a fight. You are worth more than that, you are better than that. Try not to let his underhanded tactics get to you. You're probably in shock, don't say, do, or sign ANYTHING until you've had legal advice. Most solicitors practices will give you a free consultation to say if they will handle your case/what you actually need/if you can apply for legal aid/what you need to do next - just go in or phone up and ask if they can do this.
I've been where you are (with an abusive ex and threats to take my then only DS, and all that psychological shit) and I came through it ok - you can too, but you need support and proper legal advice. Your Citizen's Advice Bureau or if you have a local Law Centre might be able to point you in the direction of a lawyer, if not, just go down the local high street/town centre and go into each office in turn and ask them if they can help. Or yellow pages/google - there will be one who will help you. Women's Aid might be able to advise you too. Try not to panic - nothing is going to happen overnight, no matter what he says to you - you have rights and people who can help support you through this.

troisgarcons · 30/01/2012 22:20

He's the HP.

That aside, this is the straw that has broken the camels back. What was wrong with your relationship before?

keepingupwiththejoneses · 30/01/2012 22:21

What a prick! My got if my DH did that I would be divorced before I was married (never been good with money).
More serious though, if he is serious about this you need to see a solicitor. I very much doubt he would get custody based on the fact you have epilepsy, that would be disability discrimination, it would be like saying a blind parent couldn't have custody of their children. He is using your condition against you. DO not let him bully you into leaving.

Original poster
Stressymoo · 30/01/2012 22:22

I guess if i'm honest our relationship.has not been right since the birgh.of our 3rd almost a year ago

i have weight and body issues after emergency c section i suffered badly fron PND.

I right now just want to leave i can not see. it as a fight i can win?

I also could not afford a solicitor?!

OP posts:
CardyMow · 30/01/2012 22:37

Yes, it IS a fight you can win - you can argue that you have been financially supporting your family, despite your disability (and if you can hold down a job, then you are one step above me!). Find a GOOD family law solicitor in your area (word of mouth, ask people that you know have divorced). Most will do a FREE half hour consult. DO NOT LEAVE and DEFINATELY DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR DC - it looks bad to the courts. I have PM'd you.

CardyMow · 30/01/2012 22:37

(If you are new - look for the envelope at the top of the page with the red dot in)

Original poster
Stressymoo · 30/01/2012 23:23

Thanks huntycat

just had another shouting match he thinks i'm being unreasonable as i won't sign the papers so he can file them with the courts tomorrow!!

FFS he only told ne it was over 11ish hours ago????

Also me acting mature and been amicable means i would sign,leave the house tomorrow and sign.full residence and custody of the kids to him

Fucked off and heartbroken does not even cover it i'm swutching between crying like a loon and been so fucking angry

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 30/01/2012 23:30

People don't lose their children because of epilepsy, please don't stress, your husband is being a bastard. A friend of mine is very severely epileptic, several fits a month, on all sorts of meds and her life is sadly at risk because of it but she is also a divorcee who raised her children despite her illness.

Please take the advice here and go for a free half hour solicitor's consultation and take it from there. Your "D"H is playing mind games, he's not living in the real world.

CardyMow · 30/01/2012 23:31

No no no no no no! DON'T SIGN A THING WITHOUT ADVICE FROM A SOLICITOR AND DON'T LEAVE!!! Ignore him.

I know this is a bit left-field, but is there ANY chance that he may have been having an affair? This sounds VERY like he has detached from you already, and expects you to do the same, when he has been planning this for ages, and it's been thrown at you. He will be calling you unreasonable in that situation - you are not acting as he wants you to.

PLEASE DON'T SIGN ANYTHING. TELL HIM YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO WITHOUT LEGAL ADVICE.

CardyMow · 30/01/2012 23:32
foglike · 31/01/2012 01:15

He can obviously apply for custody considering he is a SAHD but it's not a forgone conclusion by any means.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied at this point where you feel emotional/undermined.

Seek legal advice and I hope everything goes well with you.

lostboysfallin · 31/01/2012 06:30

sounds like he's flipped, OP, you could try the CAB or see if your council offer any help with legal advice.

Solicitors sometimes give the first session free too.

you would also get lots of help if you reposted in relationships.

blackeyedsusan · 31/01/2012 07:24

DO NOT SIGN tell him that you are not signing anything until you have had legal advice.

bet he has been planning this for ages.

body issues? what crap has he been telling you. after 3 childern most normal women have... erm... body issues. childbirth takes a hell of a lot out of you the saggy tum and extra weight the stretch marks and thread veins are all moarks of you having given life to you lovely children. marks to be proud of. has he told you that you do not look good?

posting in rerlationships is good. they are very good over there.

StrandedBear · 31/01/2012 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AltShiftDelete · 31/01/2012 08:36

How weird! You'll be well rid i reckon.

lubeybooby · 31/01/2012 08:44

Agree with the others, do not sign anything.

Get proper legal advice be it from a solicitor or CAB. Most solicitors do a free half hour, you can explain whats happening in your free alloted time, and ask about any legal help you might be able to get.

Also call womens aid - using your disability against you is abusive and controlling and you really need some proper support right now to understand how to handle this.

This isn't just because of a catalogue bill - I'll bet there is another lurking reason like an OW or something else he is trying to hide from you.

Please get proper advice - lawyer, womens aid, CAB and do not under any circumstances sign anything.

georgethecat · 31/01/2012 08:50

WTF!? he is the unreasonable one.
is there any friends/family you can talk to to give you strength to stand your ground and help you with legal issues. He can't just dispatch of you this easily. Use your anger to stay put until you get correct advice, it will be horrible but if you bow to his demands could effect custody issues in the future.

chinam · 31/01/2012 09:04

I cannot begin to imagine how hard this is for you but please do not sign anything or leave the house until you've had proper legal advice. I also agree that your husband has been planning this for a while and he is trying to scare you into agreeing with what he wants. As an aside, I'm fascinated that you are the one with epilepsy and can work but he, who has no disability, has to stay at home???

Pandemoniaa · 31/01/2012 09:24

Nobody has divorce papers ready so quickly - the process takes quite a lot of preparation. So I'm afraid your not very "d"h has been planning this for a while and I suspect he has used the entirely unreasonable grounds of an unpaid bill as the catalyst for presenting you with divorce papers.

As others have said DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING. Go straight to the CAB or a solicitor and also call Womens Aid for advice. Your disability cannot be used as a threat in this manner.

Pickadaytocelebrate · 31/01/2012 10:03

Do not sign anything. Get a solicitor fast. He has been planning this for a while. Do not leave the house. Do not engage with him. Get some real life support and hang on in there. He is trying to bully you.