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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL keeps telling my DCs off

36 replies

shebird · 30/01/2012 20:01

My SIL is a teacher and has no DCs. When she comes to visit (only a few times a year thankfully) she drives me nuts because she speaks to my DCs like a teacher would in a big teacher voice and tells them off while I am there and in their own home! I dont let them them get away with much and i dont know why she feels the need to step in- she just goes into teacher mode and takes over before I even get a chance to speak! She prides herself on being a strict teacher.

My DH and MIL had words with her before about this but she just can't help herself. I've bit my tounge a few times on family occasions when she's being 'Miss' to my DCs. She has a strained relationship with DH anyhow and the slightest thing could set off an argument so I let it go. Now it's really getting to me because I can see it is affecting negativley how my DCs feel about her or maybe I should welcome her input as an experienced teacher and I'm just being too soft?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 20:03

Ha! I'm sure everyone I know had an Aunt like that when growing up.

I certainly did and so did my DH

We simply learnt to ignore them, although when my DH got 'told off' by his Aunt when he as 23yrs old he certainly put her straight Grin

Kladdkaka · 30/01/2012 20:03

Are they misbehaving when she tells them off?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2012 20:04

I had one too, Worra... I used to put my hand up when I wanted something, automatically... Blush

WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 20:06

Lying we just made faces behind her back Blush

fuzzpig · 30/01/2012 20:07

You say it's starting to affect how your DCs feel about her - that may solve the problem? If they don't like her I'm sure she will realise eventually :o

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2012 20:09

Shock... you did WHAT, Worra??? Shock

< hands over a homemade 'I am brave' badge... >

I was far too placid as a child, I think...I'm like a psychotic gerbil now though... Grin

babybythesea · 30/01/2012 20:10

It depends on what she's telling them off for. We've had this with various family members, and I respond by saying 'Actually, we've decided not to worry about [insert behaviour of choice].' Which we have - we have made a conscious decision to let stuff go so that we are not on our dd's case the whole time. However, when we say no, we mean no, and it is a permanent and non-negotiable rule. So when she does stuff we don't mind about (sitting on the coffee table is one that springs to mind) it horrifies other family members but we have decided not to stress about it, so we don't say no to it, ever. It's not worth the battle to enforce, and as it's not worth the battle, we don't start by saying no and then changing our minds as she will think our minds can be changed over everything else.
Family try, and we gently correct them. If it is then commented on, we explain the above and if dd says anything, we say 'It's ok, X didn't know.'

We have had it get out of control, and I ended up picking up dd and saying pointedly, 'Come out here for a bit dd, as there are a few too many 'no''s flying around in here at the moment - I just need you to help me out here...' Family got the message, dd didn't get it (too young) and I got to remove her from the situation for a few seconds!

thepeoplesprincess · 30/01/2012 20:11

It's hard to say without seeing her in action. Personally, I find the opposite just as annoying so it's prob a lose-lose.

babybythesea · 30/01/2012 20:12

Disclaimer ; If we are in someone elses house, and they ask her not to do something, then we stick to it. She basically understands that different places have different rules and we enforce that by saying 'That belongs to X and she's asked you not to do that. So stop, right now...'

WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 20:12

< Accepts badge and backs away from psychotic gerbil s.l.o.w.l.y > Shock

ComposHat · 30/01/2012 20:13

When she comes to visit (only a few times a year thankfully) she drives me nuts because she speaks to my DCs like a teacher would in a big teacher voice and tells them off

My mum - a primary school teacher to her boots - still tries using 'the voice' and clicking her fingers at me now. I am 32.

I make a point of saying 'you aren't at work now Hilda and I am not your Year 5 class.'

Properly makes her fume.

Mind you having a scary aunty who turns up and terrifies the little buggers angels into behaving might be a useful tool to have on occasions.

'Are you going to behave or do I need to get Aunty Shebird round to explain it properly to you?'

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/01/2012 20:13

The kids soon learn to ignore/refer to you :) If they develop a negative relationship with her, she only has herself to blame. They are your kids, in your home - feel free to talk over her - 'Oh no, it's OK darling you watch x/do y/say z - Mummy doesn't have a problem with that :)' or just say to her, 'No, it's OK PITASIL they're allowed to do/say/watch x and if they weren't I'd soon tell them :)'

squeakytoy · 30/01/2012 20:14

I would sweetly say (in front of the kids too)

"It's okay SIL, they are not in the the classroom now" and smile passive aggressively nicely..

carabos · 30/01/2012 20:16

Think yourself lucky she confines her "schoolmarm" approach to your DC. My SiL, whom I like very much, talks to all of us as if we were a reception class, which is what she teaches. She doesn't do strict as such, it's just that her conversation is a series of repeated simple instructions sandwiched with praise Hmm.

Original poster
shebird · 31/01/2012 15:07

Well I think SIL has earned the badge of scary auntie and I can always use it as a threat I guess! In feel sad that they will see her in this way and will favour my sisters as the fun/ kind aunties! It's not as if any of her telling off was reasonable it's just bossy and interfering which is exactly how she deals with everyone. I suspect she even went into teaching just to be bossy because I certainly don't see any great love of children in her dealing with my DCs - more like they should be seen and not heard .

OP posts:
ComposHat · 31/01/2012 15:22

If your children have got other 'fun' aunties they aren't missing out too much.

Just keep your fingers crossed she doesn't start firing out kids!

Pandemoniaa · 31/01/2012 15:33

"My SiL, whom I like very much, talks to all of us as if we were a reception class, which is what she teaches. She doesn't do strict as such, it's just that her conversation is a series of repeated simple instructions sandwiched with praise."

I have one of those SILs. She incredibly nice (if rather dull) and we've just got used to being treated like like 5 year olds. Luckily she's not offered to lace our shoes up yet but she worries terribly about warm coats and stuff.

exoticfruits · 31/01/2012 15:41

I think that DCs just make their relationships themselves and as long as they are not getting hurt in any way you just let them get on with it. The probably won't have a close relationship but that is up to them. It doesn't do in harm to know that different people have different toleration levels. I was a bit wary of a bad tempered uncle.
You can't control other people. I would just turn it into a joke like 'time to watch your P's and Q's Aunt Lucy is coming!! If you don't see much of her I am sure you can all weather it for a short time.

ComposHat · 31/01/2012 15:42

I think the qualities that make a good teacher - authoritative, goal oriented, disciplined - don't translated directly into being a good parent and in fact can be a disadvantage.

Certainly is in the case of my mum - great teacher/flawed parent. Couldn't understand why me and my sister didn't interact with her in the same way the kids in her class did.

It got slightly better when me and my sister got past school age, so there is hope for your kids and their aunty yet!

danceswithyarn · 31/01/2012 16:08

Lace them up, Pandemonia? Reading some threads here today I'd beware that she'd start insisting on velcro!

I have an aunt and a cousin just the same. There's no reasoning with a reception teacher!

scuzy · 31/01/2012 16:20

eugh. remind me of my sis's SIL. when she sees a kid picking their nose she says in a really patronising monotone accompanied with a look of disgust "have we found what we are looking for?" reminds me of a school teacher with a pair of spectacles sitting on the bridge of her nose and her hair scraped into a bun!

where as I roar "oi - get out of yer nose!"

flatbread · 31/01/2012 16:27

See, I disagree here. I think of you teach your kids that they can disregard other adult in their life and only have to listen to mummy, you are not helping them in the long-run.

I have a niece and her mom helicopters even from a distance. So, if I am babysitting, and niece wants to watch tv, and I say no (because I have my fav show on at the same time), her mom will call up and tell me to put niece's show on. She is always hovering around to make sure her child is happy.

As a result, I keep my distance from the child and.honestly, I think dear niece will face issues later on as she has never really learned to adjust to other people. She also mouths off to people because her mom has not taught her that adults are different to kids and that she needs to show respect. In her family hierarchy, niece comes first and now my niece expects that her wishes are met in larger family gatherings

valiumredhead · 31/01/2012 16:30

Good point flatbread

exoticfruits · 31/01/2012 16:34

A very good point flatbread. You then get the sort of DC who says (and really believes!) 'you can't tell me off, you are not my mummy' which is entirely wrong as they can and they will!

exoticfruits · 31/01/2012 16:35

It does a DC no harm to think -'I can do this with auntie Lucy but I can't with auntie Anna'. In life they have to get on with all sorts.

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