SIL keeps telling my DCs off

[shebird]

My SIL is a teacher and has no DCs. When she comes to visit (only a few times a year thankfully) she drives me nuts because she speaks to my DCs like a teacher would in a big teacher voice and tells them off while I am there and in their own home! I dont let them them get away with much and i dont know why she feels the need to step in- she just goes into teacher mode and takes over before I even get a chance to speak! She prides herself on being a strict teacher.

My DH and MIL had words with her before about this but she just can't help herself. I've bit my tounge a few times on family occasions when she's being 'Miss' to my DCs. She has a strained relationship with DH anyhow and the slightest thing could set off an argument so I let it go. Now it's really getting to me because I can see it is affecting negativley how my DCs feel about her or maybe I should welcome her input as an experienced teacher and I'm just being too soft?

Flatbread - that's an entirely different scenario. In your situation, you are being told what to do by your SIL/Sis. It is not you telling the child off. (Why are you babysitting if her Mum is home?).

If you have, say, a 3 year old who is allowed to (for example) jump on the sofa, in his own home. His parents are there, in the room, he's jumping on the sofa... the Aunt tells him off - why should the parent just allow that to happen & why should the child do as the Aunt says, when he knows she's wrong, his Mum is there and he's in his own home - some visiting Aunt does not just get to make the rules and have them obeyed in someone else's house. Different if it directly affects her - say the child was climbing on her or going through her handbag or something, but when it doesn't then yes I'd tell the child they were 'OK' doing what they were doing - our house rules don't change just because PITA aunty is there trying to be boss in OUR house.

exotic - I agree totally, in Auntie Anna/Lucy's house or care, but not in the childs home with their parents present, when the parent is happy with what they are doing.

Well you can just mildly say 'that's OK I let him'-there is no big deal.

I know lots of teachers but the only people who have ever done this have been family members. I think it's about control.

I was babysitting because I was visiting and mum had to go out.

In your example of the child jumping on the sofa, it might be irritating to other adults in the room if if is creating noise/dust.

I honestly have to think twice before I can tell my niece to turn the tv volume down, because her mum might take offense. Yes, it is her house, but the thing is when people are visiting, they shouldn't need to tippytoe around a child. In my parents house for example, I can easily tell my dad to turn the tv volume down a bit, it is crazy to have to be watchful around a child because of an overprotective mum. It is not a question of whose house it is, it is about teaching a child to be thoughtful and considerate around others.

I think it is good for the child to learn that different behaviours are appropriate in different situations and groups, regardless of whether it is their own or another house.

I think children don't really mind, and quickly adapt to expectations, it is the mums who get in a huff and take offense as they feel they 'own' the child (at least in the case of my niece) and want all interactions with the child on their own terms.

I think it sounds like the aunt is being technically rude, but

a. there's no hard in teaching kids to be polite in the face of rudeness

b. it will absolutely not kill kids to have a rude, maiden aunt who they have to be polite to even though the are rude.

c. Sometimes, behaviour that is appropriate when its just your family in the house isn't that appropriate when you have guests.

However, she probably shouldn't tell them off in front of you or for things that they are allowed to do, because that is undermining you. It does annoy me where someone leaps in to tell my kids off every time, because I feel that there is an (ENORMOUSLY unfair) implication that I am not keeping my kids in line. She should give you a chance to react. Or speak to you in private. It is totally possible to say, "these are my kids and I don't want to be undermined when disciplining them" without being a helicopter parent.

no HARM in teaching kids to be polite in the face of rudeness, sorry

My children's Godmother is like this. She not even a teacher, she's Catholic, not that it ever crossed my mind untilo she kept reminded me about her convent upbringing and how she could get children to sleep with one look (she can't, they pretend).

They don't traumatise my kids because we forewarn them and take the mickey out of her. She thinks her tactics work, our children have a secret 'tap' on the ceiling to let us not they're not convinced.

It had the potential to become a major issue, but now its a major joke. She's been made aware of it many times, but still sets herself up.

Learn to laugh at it, your children will be okay, teach them the rolly eyes.

Flatbread - I really think we are talking about different things. This Aunt just seems to tell the kids off all the time and default to Miss In Charge rather than 'visiting auntie'. I have no problem with adults telling a child to stop doing something if it's affecting them, but if it's not, then they need to mind their own business. My friends and I happily tell any & every child off, whoever's house it is. OTOH my SIL is a snappy mare who gets narky if you tell her kids to stop doing something annoying (like bashing you with a toy), my friends SIL is a school teacher and she tells my friends kids off for basically breathing... I think it depends, who, how & context

I do agree flatbread and I expect my DCs to listen and respect other adults in their life.I would hate if they were of the 'my Mummy says....' brigade. If SIL were babysitting ( I doubt it will ever happen btw ) I would expect them to do as she asked as she is the grown up in charge. My problem is that she wades in to tell them off when I am there! Before I can even open my mouth to deal with it she is off on a teacher rant.

I like the term Miss in Charge ChippingInLovesEasterEggs that's exactly how SIL is!