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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU? Don't know what to do for the best (MIL and childcare related).

37 replies

lowra · 30/01/2012 14:57

OK hopefully this won't be too long.

DP doesn't have a particularly close relationship with his mother, he had a difficult childhood and was raised in what can only be described as a rough area. MIL still lives in this area. We visit regularly and she comes to see us. DD almost 1 is the light of her life and she is completely smitten. Just to add, she was never abusive in anyway to DP and although her 'style' is different to mine I have no problem with her looking after DD. She can be clingy and treat DD a bit like a teddy bear but as DD gets older I think this should be less of an issue.

So I am going back to work in a couple of weeks, DD will be going into nursery 3 days a week, and DM will have her one day. MIL is going to have her the other day. I am really grateful to both sets of GP as it will help us out financially, I also thought it would be beneficial for DD to spend a day a week with each of her grandmothers. And both grandmothers were extremely keen to help out (esp MIL!) However I am beginning to think it might just be easier and better for DD if she just went to nursery full time.

When the arrangement was made it was agreed that DD would be looked after by her GMs at our house. All her toys are here, her cot, her high chair and the house is reasonably baby proofed particularly the living room where she plays. While DP does not have a problem with DD going to my parents house. Lots of room, garden, 'nice area', he is adamant that he doesn't want DD spending time in the area his DM lives and is very forceful about it. There is a park next to MILs that he has banned DD from going in as he says it's full of agressive dogs. He hates the area he was brought up in, has had some bad experiences, muggings etc and has all but told MIL he can't take DD out there.

I can see his point of view and have agreed that DD should be looked after here for the most part but I think it is going a bit far to ban MIL from taking DD out in her own community. MIL has mentioned a few times about taking her to the shops, or in the park and I think it's going to cause a few problems. I wasn't brought up in the area and it doesn't seem that bad to me, but the stories DP tells me are alarming and obviously I wouldn't put DD in harms way.

I'm starting to think the answer would be to put DD in nursery 4 days but I know this would upset MIL, especially DM would still be looking after her.

WWYD?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 30/01/2012 15:02

It may well be a shit area that you would choose to spend time in, but the crux of the issue is "will your baby come to harm?"

I do think your DH is being a little U. But its understandable as he probably has seen the worst parts over time.

I would try to compromise by getting your DH to talk to his mum, he's putting you in the position of saying no whilst standing comfortably in the back ground. Tell him that if he wants to arrange alternative childcare and upset his mum, he can do it. If not, he should trust YOUR instinct.

diddl · 30/01/2012 15:04

Firstly I think it would be very unfair to "punish" MIL for living where she does by taking her day away from her.

How difficult is it for her to childmind at yours?

Does she want her at her house to be able to show her off to friends?

I do think that when you are given free childcare then there has to be some compromise-so, once a month at hers if she really wants to for example?

WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 15:05

I'd tell your DP to stop being so PFB about his daughter before it ends up causing a huge family rift.

I'm quite sure other people in the area manage to visit the park and walk down the road pushing prams without violently mugged or attacked by an aggressive dog Hmm

Really, to allow your Mum to look after your DD but not your MIL would be very very unreasonable indeed.

Laquitar · 30/01/2012 15:08

Are you going to offer lift to your mil?
She will have to get up very early if she is going to take bus and she will return to her house late evening in the dark.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 30/01/2012 15:14

I live in an area that 15-20 years ago was known to be horrible, ie; drugs, crime etc, and I can assure you it is not that way now at all. Also people tend to remember the bad things from when they are younger more than the good. Just out of interest how does he know the park is still full of aggressive dogs, most of them from when he was younger wouldn't still be alive, surely!
I agree with aldiwhore, speak to your DH and tell him to speak to his mum and explain why he doesn't want your DD to go to her house, and I mean he needs to explain as if he just says it with no discussion it may well cause bad feeling between them and you!
If you are comfortable with MIL looking after your DD then you need to stand your ground.

Original poster
lowra · 30/01/2012 15:15

Without hiding behind DP, it is he who feels stronger about this than me, and I agree that compromise is important.

Worraliberty yes other people do walk in the park with their prams, plenty actually. However I have seen the park and it does seem to be full of menacing looking bull dog breeds with shady owners.

I think she does want to take DD out to show her off, yes and have her at her house to invite friends over. I don't want to isolate her from the people in her area but DP thinks one day a week at ours should be fine. Maybe he is being PFB but he has seen the harsher side of living there. He considers himself lucky and is proud of getting himself educated and making a better life for himself (most of his cousins don't work or are in prison) and I think he wants to protect DD from the life he left at any costs, so I can see his pov.

It would be very hurtful for DM to look after DD and not MIL, I wouldn't do that. MIL has done her best in difficult circumstances throughout her life and loves her granddaughter. The last thing I want to do is punish her. I have to put DD first though.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 30/01/2012 15:15

I think this is between your DH and his mother.

The concerns sound silly to me, but they are his concerns about his past, and how he wants to protect his daughter from bad past experiences.

I don't think you should override him on this. He obviously feels very strongly about it.

unusualsuspect · 30/01/2012 15:17

I think your dp needs to get over himself

Original poster
lowra · 30/01/2012 15:18

MIL has a friend who will drop her off or she will get a taxi which I have said I will pay for although she has refused. It would take ages to drive over and back in the morning as we live across a big city. DP or myself will take her home in the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
lowra · 30/01/2012 15:19

We visit MIL, drive past the park and he can see the dogs.

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 30/01/2012 15:20

A young man is going to be much more at risk from gangs, muggings etc than a granny and baby.

I think it's fair to compromise by asking MIL not to take the baby to the park if there are problems with dogs, but she's not going to come to any harm in MIL's house or walking around the area.

WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 15:22

However I have seen the park and it does seem to be full of menacing looking bull dog breeds with shady owners

Don't you think you're stereotyping somewhat here?

How does a bull dog look menacing? They just look how they look surely?

Same with 'shady looking' owners...what is a shady look? Confused

Laquitar · 30/01/2012 15:22

If the area is that bad it is funny that you don't worry about an older lady living there and commuting in the dark to come to yours.

Laquitar · 30/01/2012 15:24

oh sorry i missed your post re taxi

Original poster
lowra · 30/01/2012 15:26

Laquitar, I have answered re the commuting. I do worry about MIL sometimes but she is not my responsibility and DD is. What do you want me to do, buy her a house? She is happy where she lives.

Bull dogs do look menacing, it's how they look!

OP posts:
Original poster
lowra · 30/01/2012 15:27

Cross post Lacquitar

OP posts:
diddl · 30/01/2012 15:28

Well of course one day a week at yours doesn´t isolate her from her friends-but it means that she can´t show her GC off!

Still, maybe she can pop to friends with her/have friends over when you visit?

Do both GMs really want to do it or do you think either of them might be feeling that they have to because the other is?

I can´t really see a problem with insisting it happen at your house-as long as that applies to both GMs.

Original poster
lowra · 30/01/2012 15:30

diddl they both REALLY want to do it. They would be gutted if I changed the arrangement especially MIL

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 15:31

Bull dogs do look menacing, it's how they look!

Exactly right!

It's just a look...nothing to do with the dog's behaviour.

She could well be attacked by a Yorkshire Terrier even though they look all cute and fluffy.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/01/2012 15:33

Well it would be easier for MIL to look after DD at yours, simply because it's where her stuff is. However, maybe once in a while DD may like a change of surroundings and it would be nice for your MIL to take her to her local shops, park, etc to show her off.

I cant imagine it is that bad, so your DH is being a bit U to be honest......I am sure she will come to no harm with your MIL looking after her, your DH seems to be blaming his mum for his bad experiences but you know, maybe HE made some wrong decisions, maybe he hung out with the wrong people and now he is blaming the area, his DM!

I think it does out kids good to spend some time with their GP's and really both sets are doing you a massive favour. Just stick to your original arrangement and see how it pans out.....if it is a disaster then re-think but for now, let your MIL have her the agreed one day a week. Your DH is being a bit precious!

Ephiny · 30/01/2012 15:34

My dogs probably look quite 'menacing' if you don't like dogs/certain breeds. However they're gentle and well-trained, and have never caused any harm or nuisance to anyone. You can't judge by appearances when it comes to dogs, they can't help the way they look!

I really think your DH is being a bit unreasonable. If the area is so bad, is he not worried about his mum living there herself? He's obviously had bad experiences, so it's understandable in a way that he'd feel the way he does. But I doubt there's much serious risk to an older lady and a small child going to the local shop or the park during the day.

RitaMorgan · 30/01/2012 15:35

Staffies are disproportionately owned by dickheads though, who won't train them well.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/01/2012 15:35

My hunch is that this is about your DP's childhood memories more than an actual present level of threat. There may be upsetting things he experienced that he's never thought of before, or only barely remembers - you say it doesn't seem too bad to you, but obviously he was unhappy there as a boy and is worried that history is going to repeat itself with your DD.

But if he had bad experiences in that area as a child, it's highly unlikely that they were when he was a baby or pre-schooler - far more likely that it was later on, eg playing in the park aged 10 or whatever.

Maybe talk to your DP and find out a bit more about his memories of childhood there? You might find that with a bit more detail he's able to see a difference between this situation and his own childhood, and feel less anxious about your DD; or maybe not. But I think it'd be worth looking at this angle.

AThingInYourLife · 30/01/2012 15:39

This man is entitled to his own feelings about the place he grew up.

It's ridiculous to lambast lowra for her supposed prejudice when the person who objects to his daughter spending time in this neighbourhood is from there.

This is his daughter, his mother, his feelings.

lowra - just let him make arrangements with his Mum and you make arrangements with yours.

If you had issues with your mother I'm sure you wouldn't like your DP to override your wishes.

Hopefully over time, as his mother cares for your DD he will relax about this stuff.

But don't, FFS, tell him to "get over himself". Surprise! Fathers have feelings too, and they should be respected where they are to do with his family.

tomverlaine · 30/01/2012 15:42

if he feels strongly about it he should speak to her about it. Would she still want to look after DD if she wasn't allowed to take her home?

I am a bit confused at to what he is worried about - I get the dogs bit but not sure how this leads to a life of crime - does he think his mother mixes with people who would be a bad influence on DD? is this really just a way to keep her away from the extended family? if not then i really don't see why DD can't visit her gran's home

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