Is DP BU? Don't know what to do for the best (MIL and childcare related).

[lowra]

OK hopefully this won't be too long.

DP doesn't have a particularly close relationship with his mother, he had a difficult childhood and was raised in what can only be described as a rough area. MIL still lives in this area. We visit regularly and she comes to see us. DD almost 1 is the light of her life and she is completely smitten. Just to add, she was never abusive in anyway to DP and although her 'style' is different to mine I have no problem with her looking after DD. She can be clingy and treat DD a bit like a teddy bear but as DD gets older I think this should be less of an issue.

So I am going back to work in a couple of weeks, DD will be going into nursery 3 days a week, and DM will have her one day. MIL is going to have her the other day. I am really grateful to both sets of GP as it will help us out financially, I also thought it would be beneficial for DD to spend a day a week with each of her grandmothers. And both grandmothers were extremely keen to help out (esp MIL!) However I am beginning to think it might just be easier and better for DD if she just went to nursery full time.

When the arrangement was made it was agreed that DD would be looked after by her GMs at our house. All her toys are here, her cot, her high chair and the house is reasonably baby proofed particularly the living room where she plays. While DP does not have a problem with DD going to my parents house. Lots of room, garden, 'nice area', he is adamant that he doesn't want DD spending time in the area his DM lives and is very forceful about it. There is a park next to MILs that he has banned DD from going in as he says it's full of agressive dogs. He hates the area he was brought up in, has had some bad experiences, muggings etc and has all but told MIL he can't take DD out there.

I can see his point of view and have agreed that DD should be looked after here for the most part but I think it is going a bit far to ban MIL from taking DD out in her own community. MIL has mentioned a few times about taking her to the shops, or in the park and I think it's going to cause a few problems. I wasn't brought up in the area and it doesn't seem that bad to me, but the stories DP tells me are alarming and obviously I wouldn't put DD in harms way.

I'm starting to think the answer would be to put DD in nursery 4 days but I know this would upset MIL, especially DM would still be looking after her.

WWYD?

tom I think alot of it is about keeping DD away from extended family. MILs sister lives with one of DPs cousins (not her own son), who could be described as a dickhead with a badly trained staffie. He has been in prison for violent crimes and DD is definitely banned from that house and I agree with that. We have no problem with MILs DSIS seeing DD but not at that house. There are a few other shady, yes shady, characters in the background.
It's not MILs fault these are her family but she does have a few dodgy people she sees every now and again!

So it might not be so much the area as he doesn´t trust his own mother´s judgement as to who she might meet whilst she has her GD?

Yes I think some of it is perhaps his mothers judgement. He would describe her as a bit of a victim who has always just accepted her lot in life. She does seem to make excuses for some of the dodgier elements of the family. It's hard to explain but things DP or myself would not think acceptable, or want better for our families, she just kind of accepts as the norm.

See, for me, that changes things.

If there is a chance that MIL might take your DD round to her sister's house or to mix with people who genuinely pose a risk to your daughter then fair enough - insist DD is cared for at your house if that makes it harder for her to take DD to see these people.

It depends on what you mean by 'shady' characters though.

Thanks for all your replies, writing on here has helped me see what some of the issues are.

Flisspaps, no MIL would not take DD round to her sisters if we told her not to, she does understand some of our concerns re the dodgy rellies I think.

Clearly DP does need to have another chat with MIL and we all need to come to an agreement.

If mI l would agree to stick with what your dp wants, then there is no reason why she shouldn't look after your dd. If she won't agree to stay in your area, then she doesn't have to babysit and that is her choice not yours, so she would have no reason to be upset that your Mum is still going to babysit.

Ultimately, if your dh doesn't want his daughter in that area then he has that right as a parent. His say is equal to yours and you should respect his wishes.

At the end of the day though, for the moment whilst your daughter is so young-isn´t it more convenient at yours as everything is there?

I think regardless of the reasoning behind it, it is U to expect your MIL to get up at the crack of dawn and spend all day in your house. Free childcare is a massive fav our, and you should be grateful enough to bite her hand off for what's on offer. If he;/you want to start attaching such restr;ictive conditions, then you need to pay a professional IMO.

I appreciate that your DP worked hard to 'get out' of the life that usually follows living in an area like you describe (I did the same); the stance he is taking sounds to me like a very 'snobby' attitude (sorry to be so blunt). He is in effect punishing his DM for living in that area and I do believe that his mum deserves more respect than he is giving her.

I think the only way to look at childcare is that both parents must be happy with it . There may not always be totally rational explanations- eg to take the heat out of this as a family issue, how would you feel if you visited a childminder or a nursery and one of you just didn't feel happy? You would keep looking. Therefore, I don't see the relevance of other posters criticising your husband and calling him a snob. He is not comfortable with his child being looked after in that situation, end of.
Using nursery for all the care may well be the best approach, particularly as she'll be there 3 days so will get totally accustomed to it. Or using nursery 3 days and your mother for one, If you and dh are both happy with her - though you may have to negotiate the fall out from a disgruntled mil if she feels the other granny is favoured.

Your only concern re: childcare should be getting care you are both happy With for your daughter. Keeping relatives sweet, and indulging their need to 'show off' a grandchild are not good reasons for your choices.

Ultimately, this neednt affect your dds relationship with her grandchild at all. She clearly adores her, and you haven't gone back to work yet, so she's not doing sole care. You can continue visiting and doing lots of lovely things with YOU being there to regulate where your dd goes and who she comes into contact with. Your mil can be a superb granny without having to be a childminder. The one thing you need is total peace of mind. If your dh is worrying about his dd being at his mothers, it's not fair. And ultimately, with unpaid favours, you cannot dictate the terms. You may believe your mil wouldn't take your dd anywhere dodgy but tbh your dh knows her best, and he obviously has anxieties.

why not just have mil look after her at yours normally, and them evey couple of weeks she can go to mils. or on the other hand just ask her not to go the park due to the dogs there. the only dangerv seems to be the dogs, i cannot see dd becoming a drug adict yob just because she spends one day a week there at her mils.

It doesn't really matter what some randomer on a website thinks might happen to the little girl in this area.

What matters is what her father, the person best qualified to know and assess the risks, thinks.