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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nightmare SIL

45 replies

theworldaccordingtome · 30/01/2012 13:18

Please be gentle first AIBU and am perfectly willing to be told that I am but I am really reaching the end of my patience with DP's sister.
Backstory: They are very close although don't see each other very often as she lives in London and we live in the north. His Dad has many children by several women, they are from the same mum (FIL's 1st wife), and he left when she was pregnant with SIL. Only adding this so there will be no annoying drip feeding.

SIL has never and I really do mean NEVER thought I was good enough for her DBro to the point where upon first meeting she waited until he had left the room before hissing 'you had better not hurt him'.
Every time we meet she makes snide comments to me while he isn't there, previous instances have included accusing me of making up a medical condition I have suffered from as a child, criticising the home we have made together and even where I am from (the North as opposed to the South where they are from). Generally making me feel like shit.
I reached the end of my teather this weekend when we went to a party at MIL's house (MIL is lovely btw). She spent the evening being sweetness and light around DP and I (more fool me) thought she was actually making an effort and I was doing the same. However, she then began to attack my opinions on various topics of conversation, boast about her PhD in front of everyone and when I offered to be on her quiz team (they're really into that sort of thing) said loudly infront of everyone 'no you're alright I'm going to be on the smart team'.
DP then ignored me for the rest of the evening to play Go with her.

The next morning after we had left I got an earful of DP for being 'snappy' with him. I agreed and apologised for this but said that he must understand that being made to feel like shit isn't going to put me in the best of moods. Was then given the silent treatment for hours before being shouted at and told "SHE DOES NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT!" and being called a liar for telling him the things she has said to me because she denies it later. I have tried just not telling him but that results in me being told to make an effort because "I love my sister and you'd better accept that". If course he loves his sister but that doesn't mean the sun shines out of her arse.

She is also needy and attention seeking and does v childish things like cheat at games that she isn't winning, lie about having bullimia and jump from being vegetarian to not so she can attract attention in restaurants.

We have apologised to each other about the argment at weekend and we don't argue a lot but when we do it seems to centre around me feeling second best and being treated badly by her. I am expected to go to her birthday dinner next month (v posh London restaurant) so I will be spending lots of money that I don't really have on feeling crap again. I love DP so so much and couldn't bear for things to be ruined for us. I am writing today because I am scared I will lose him. Please help!! and sorry about the length.

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 30/01/2012 13:22

was he in the room when she made the comment about the smart team?

runningwilde · 30/01/2012 13:23

He sounds like a big bloody baby and to be honest you are better off out of there as he has no respect for you if he is saying things like that (not believing you, accept being treated like that etc)

Why are you with someone who treats you like this? He let's her treat you like shit - do you really want to live your life with a partner who won't stand up for you?

Original poster

theworldaccordingtome · 30/01/2012 13:25

Yule - No he wasn't.
Runningwilde - thank you for your comment, she is the only real problem we have. Is it worth ending it over this?

OP posts:

runningwilde · 30/01/2012 13:26

Sit down and spell it out how she is with you. Tell him you cannot live like this and either he tells her to show you some respect or you cannot live your life being treated like this and not being believed by him either. Henie supposed to stand up for you and never let anyone hurt you. You had nothing to apologise for. If you don't stand up for yourself she will always bully you because he allows it too.

StealthPenguin · 30/01/2012 13:27

Oh wow...............

I have absolutely no idea how to begin!

First of all you need to just ignore SIL. I know that it's easier said than done, but you could always pull out the Mumsnet Favourite "Did you mean for that to sound so rude?" "Did you mean to sound so inappropriate?" "Did you mean to sound so horrible?". Everything she says to you just ignore and smile. She's being vicious to you and if you just smile and nod at her eventually she'll slip up and say something in front of a witness, and then she won't have a leg to stand on.

Regarding your "D"P. I think that's absolutely shocking behaviour for an adult. He yelled at you for being snappy with him, then gave you the cold shoulder and called you a liar because you explained why you were upset and he didn't believe you?! For fucks sake - he either needs a slap or a kick in the backside. Possibly both.

Upshot is: do you want to be in this relationship? Do you love him enough to be able to tolerate his sister? And if you have children with each other at some point in the future will you be able to handle her bitchy, underhanded whining when around them?

If the answer to those questions is "no" then leave. Immediately. Don't be all dramatic about it and start screaming about ultimatums and "it's her or me" because that won't do anyone any good.

If the answer is "yes" then stick with him throughout whatever. Trust me - there'll probably be tougher times ahead for the pair of you!! Just be safe in the knowledge that the problem isn't you, it's her.

Bellstar · 30/01/2012 13:28

Sorry but you are never going to win this one-cut your losses. Any guy who lets anyone speak to his dp like that is not worth fighting over.

If she continues to make these comments then dont sit there and say nowt-use the mn classic of "did you mean to be so rude" with a very hard stare at both her and him.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 30/01/2012 13:28

What runningwilde said. It sounds like he might just love her more than he loves you. So far, you have put up with the situation, so he feels secure that he can tell you you "better accept" whatever she does, and that you will go along with theiryes their, not just her little games, but maybe it's time to put a stop to it.
Can you bear the rest of your life to be like this? playing second fiddle to her? If you walk out of course, she's won, or that's how she will see it, but you will be free of her poisonous influence.
If you gave DH an ultimatum, which of you would he choose? honestly? If it's you, tell him straight. If it's her, think very carefully about how much shit you can take over the next fifty or more years...

squeakytoy · 30/01/2012 13:29

She is not the only problem here, he is a problem too.

He should be supporting you when his sister is being so undeservedly nasty to you.

How long have you been together?

LoveHandles88 · 30/01/2012 13:29

Tell him it's okay for him to love his sister, but that she is a complete bitch to you, and you would rather not spend time with someone that makes you feel so crap.
He doesn't have to choose between you, but tbh if one of my dh's family treated me like that, I'd have no problem telling him, and no problem having nothing more to do with that person. I'd never make him choose, but would have to think of myself. He'd have to understand that. What if it was your brother treating him this way? (I have no idea if you have one, I'm just saying if you did).

runningwilde · 30/01/2012 13:30

It is worth ending if he doesnt do something about it. You don't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen by some arsehole sister! Tell him everything she has done and tell him what you want is just some common decency and respect that you are his partner from her! He needs to stand up to her and tell her that she treats you with politeness and respect - for him if for no other reason. You don't want to live with a man who doesn't stand up for you as really, life is too short and you deserve more than that. You are not asking for much really! You shouldn't need to ask anyway!

ISayHolmes · 30/01/2012 13:31

It's not just about her being the only problem, it's the attitude your partner displays towards you when you tried to talk about it. Accusing you of being a liar, refusing to see your side of things whatsoever, shouting at you over it, lecturing you as if you were at fault. All of that and you don't get your points noticed at all? That's not decent behaviour from a partner- they should be able to listen to both you and the other perspective and discuss it, not shut you down like this. The fact that he refuses to see that you are being badly treated here is a big problem.

THAT is what would make me personally question this relationship. You should not have your feelings ignored in this way. Even if this is the only problem, it's a bad sign and she is someone who will always be around. He should not be telling you what is and isn't happening to you and discounting your experiences as if they don't exist.

LoveHandles88 · 30/01/2012 13:31

I agree with StealthPenguin entirely.

BobblyGussets · 30/01/2012 13:32

If you really want to stick with this man, and I am sorry OP, but I am not sure why, give SIL some of her shit right back., you don't need her and you don't need to go to her birthday bash either. WTF would you go and make the effort for someone like that? Tell DP, "we don't get along and whilst you are happy for her to behave like this towards me, I am not, so there is no point in me seeing her".

Next time she is alone with you dripping her poison, tell her to fuck right off, tell her she is a sly duplicitous, attention seeking bitch. I hardly ever use that last word BTW, but just tell her to fuck off honestly, you have nothing to gain by being friends with someone like that. Don't give her any power over you by letting her think/see that you think you should be making an effort with someone like her.

plainwhitet · 30/01/2012 13:33

certainly do not go to that dinner. for once my advice would be cancel on the day through illness. ridiculous babyish woman. rise above it.

Original poster

theworldaccordingtome · 30/01/2012 13:34

Squeaky - We have been together 2 1/2 years and have lived together for a year.
It is ok for him to love his sister and I can accept that. Is choosing to never spend time with her an option? Cos making him choose feels wrong.

OP posts:

ChickensGoMeh · 30/01/2012 13:34

This makes me think of that 'Friends' episode where Rachel visits her boyfriend and discovers he baths with his sister. Run away.

Callisto · 30/01/2012 13:40

Yes, I agree with everyone else. It isn't really her that is the problem, it is him. He is not sticking up for you because he thinks more of his sister. Do you think perhaps that she drips her poison into his ear as well? Perhaps she is undermining you to him and that is why he doesn't stick up for you?

I know you love him, but I think that for your own sanity and well being you should call time on the relationship.

springydaffs · 30/01/2012 13:42

Their relationship sounds very incestuous. I'm not suggesting sexually incestuous but definitely emotionally incestuous. She also appears to have some personality disorder issues and he may well have been sucked in by these.

Is he rude to you on any other occasion? Does he cold-shoulder you, shout at you etc at any other time? You say you don't normally have arguments and maybe you haven't had much exposure to him when he is arguing. His behviour is worrying. If he is saying his sister comes before you then that is a cause for concern for the future. You can't have a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else.

empirestateofmind · 30/01/2012 13:46

You have a few choices as I see it

a) ignore her self-centred insecure behaviour
b) say to DP that you don't want to spend too much time with his DS as she is so unpleasant to you
c) accidentally record a few of the conversations you have with her so she can't deny anything and then call her on it
d) demand DP chooses between you

I would probably go with (a) and (b) but might try (c) for some ammunition, (d) is a high risk strategy but the answer to it does say a lot. If he chooses his DS you have had a lucky escape.

Original poster

theworldaccordingtome · 30/01/2012 13:48

Springydaffs - he isn't I don't think in fact he's usually over sensitive about being rude to others (including me) and cringes when I am a bit off with others as we all are sometimes. It's really odd. I can believe she has personality disorders as well.

Callisto - I don't know whether she does this or not, she often does quite the opposite like making a big show of inviting me to things/asking about me when he talks to her.

OP posts:

LtEveDallas · 30/01/2012 13:51

You are his partner, you are living with him. You will (hopefully) be the mother of his children. It is you that he chooses to be with, you that he sleeps with, you that he shares his life with.... and yet he would rather believe his sister over you???

Beggers belief.

The choice is yours, of course but I would be tempted to tell him that you are happy for him to see her whenever he wants, but that "For the sake of keeping the peace Darling, I no longer want to be included - if I am not there, then she cannot say anything nasty to me and you cannot be torn between us...and of course as you don't believe she says these things to me, then she wont be saying anything about me, to you, will she?

God, sorry, very passive agressive, but you are fighting an impossible battle here...I'm afraid I'd be tempted to cool things a bit, and tell him why.

Greatdomestic · 30/01/2012 13:55

As many posters have already said, you cannot allow this pattern to continue without drawing a line. She sees you as a soft target and will continue to treat you this way if you allow her to do so.

You don't say how she got on with his previous g/fs prior to you. I suspect it's not the first conversation he's had with a girlfriend about his sisters nasty treatment of her.

Callisto · 30/01/2012 13:56

She is obviously good at manipulating people, and I just wonder if she is gradually undermining you and being horrid about you in a very subtle way. Of course, being super-nice to your face would disguise the fact that she hates you to your partner, and make her seem more plausible. She sounds appalling and you really need to consider whether you would want to bring children into such a situation?

Tmesis · 30/01/2012 14:04

If he is automatically believing her over you then that's a big red flag. And if he's trying to tell you how you do or don't feel that's another huge red flag. Your SIL is not the main problem here -- the way your partner reacts to the situation is (and it also gives her carte blanche to carry on behaving the way she is doing).

Unless he recognises what's going on here and stands up for you this is not going to get any better. And what will happen if/when you have children with this man and she tries to stick her nose into your parenting of them -- because that WILL happen. Do you imagine for one moment that the way you parent will be "good enough" for her? Do you think that your partner will back you up and tell her to butt out of interfering with the way you are raising your children?

olgaga · 30/01/2012 14:05

Yes, agree with other posters - it's not just her that's the problem. In my view, your DP is the bigger problem. If this is an indication of his feelings, then imagine how you will feel after a few years of this, especially if and when you have children, with all the pressures that go with that.

It actually sounds as though he has a rather unhealthy relationship with her, and that he doesn't value you at all. I'd run a mile!

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