Nightmare SIL

[theworldaccordingtome]

Please be gentle first AIBU and am perfectly willing to be told that I am but I am really reaching the end of my patience with DP's sister.
Backstory: They are very close although don't see each other very often as she lives in London and we live in the north. His Dad has many children by several women, they are from the same mum (FIL's 1st wife), and he left when she was pregnant with SIL. Only adding this so there will be no annoying drip feeding.

SIL has never and I really do mean NEVER thought I was good enough for her DBro to the point where upon first meeting she waited until he had left the room before hissing 'you had better not hurt him'.
Every time we meet she makes snide comments to me while he isn't there, previous instances have included accusing me of making up a medical condition I have suffered from as a child, criticising the home we have made together and even where I am from (the North as opposed to the South where they are from). Generally making me feel like shit.
I reached the end of my teather this weekend when we went to a party at MIL's house (MIL is lovely btw). She spent the evening being sweetness and light around DP and I (more fool me) thought she was actually making an effort and I was doing the same. However, she then began to attack my opinions on various topics of conversation, boast about her PhD in front of everyone and when I offered to be on her quiz team (they're really into that sort of thing) said loudly infront of everyone 'no you're alright I'm going to be on the smart team'.
DP then ignored me for the rest of the evening to play Go with her.

The next morning after we had left I got an earful of DP for being 'snappy' with him. I agreed and apologised for this but said that he must understand that being made to feel like shit isn't going to put me in the best of moods. Was then given the silent treatment for hours before being shouted at and told "SHE DOES NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT!" and being called a liar for telling him the things she has said to me because she denies it later. I have tried just not telling him but that results in me being told to make an effort because "I love my sister and you'd better accept that". If course he loves his sister but that doesn't mean the sun shines out of her arse.

She is also needy and attention seeking and does v childish things like cheat at games that she isn't winning, lie about having bullimia and jump from being vegetarian to not so she can attract attention in restaurants.

We have apologised to each other about the argment at weekend and we don't argue a lot but when we do it seems to centre around me feeling second best and being treated badly by her. I am expected to go to her birthday dinner next month (v posh London restaurant) so I will be spending lots of money that I don't really have on feeling crap again. I love DP so so much and couldn't bear for things to be ruined for us. I am writing today because I am scared I will lose him. Please help!! and sorry about the length.

I had a very similar issue with my SIL. Lots of snide comments when DH (at the time DP) wasn't around but nice as pie when he was. Same as you, because of distance we would usually go down for the whole weekend when we visited as anything less was impractical and I used to dread it.

Things came to a head when she shouted at me for "making her two year old cry". Said toddler was crying because I wouldn't play Barbie with her because I needed the toilet first. SIL was actually shouting at me while I was on the loo.

I did what everyone else here is suggesting you do. I put my foot down and told DH that I wouldn't go again ever. I hated it, I was miserable and my weekends are precious and not to be spent with someone who isn't very nice to me. First he refused to believe that the Barbie incident actually happened. My answer to that was if he thought I was lying, best that we split up straight away. Next he claimed it was not fair of me to stop him seeing his sister. I was very clear, the fact that I wouldn't go shouldn't stop him from going. He went on his own before he met me, he could carry on going his own still.

Forcing DH to get of the fence actually did the world of good. I've been twice since that conversation (both for big family celebrations that I couldn't really say no to) and DH has been a couple of times on his own but generally he prefers not to go either. We do still see her but either when she visits us or at PIL and I'm more comfortable because it's usually for just short visits and not on her territory iyswim.

The important thing to remember is you do have choices. You don't have to let her treat you badly and if they only way you can stop it is to refuse to see her, that is perfectly reasonable. You should also be able to expect your DP's support in this. If he won't stand up for you when other people are unkind to you, he really isn't worth the trouble, even if it is his sister.

Thank you Karma, it's good to know this doesn't HAVE to be the end for us although I can totally understand why lots of you think it should be. I think I'm going to sit him down and try and talk like adults about this calmly rather than after an argument. If it becomes clear that he will always choose her over me, her poisonous ways are going to make him want to leave eventually anyway, better out now rather than in 10 years with kids etc. If he is happy for me to not visit her and him go alone (I wouldn't try and stop him contacting/visiting her) and we can move on from that then there might be hope like there was in Karma's case.

YOu need to stand up to her now in a calm adult manner or she will get worse.
Your lovely Dp can either grow a pair or you need to reasses the relationship.
People only treat you like this if you let them.

Just one other thing that DH and I have agreed is that when we do see SIL (whether it's at her's, our's or PIL's) he won't ever leave me alone with her. That's probably one of the other reasons why it has worked out for us, she no longer has the opportunity to insult me. I've also been helped by the fact that both PIL and DH now recognise that her behaviour can be inappropriate. She's had big arguments will all of them since and therefore they now understand why I have issues with her, although she will always be their flesh and blood and it's easier for them to forgive her and move on.

I hope it works out for you. I would say that the important thing is that your DP recognises that it is wrong for her to treat you badly, believes your version of events and is prepared to stand up for you if she is nasty to you. If he won't do all of these, then sadly, it's probably not worth hanging on to the relationship.

For me, the issue of him being close to his sister wouldn't be an issue.

Nor would him wanting to see her. Although I'd refuse to go.

For me, the biggest issue - the HUGE issue - would be him believing her over me.

Why would he want to be with someone who lied to him about his sister's behaviour? Answer - he KNOWS you didn't lie. But he'd rather behave as if he thinks you did rather than stick up for you.

That would be a dealbreaker. How DARE he?!

dp sounds pathetic, you stand up for your partner plain and simple. if he is like this with her now what will it be like if you marry - obviously she will be bm, or have children - obviously she will be godparent and favourite aunty in dps opinion.
when she makes snide comments just calmly pretend you did not hear and ask her to repeat them. and when dp is around make a point of being all over him like a rash just to wind her up.

Get a digital voice recorder for about £25 from Amazon and start recording meetings you and your dp have with her. Just make sure you are alone with her for a few minutes so she can make her snide remarks to you and say to her 'did you mean that to sound so rude'. Play the recording back to him later so he can hear what she is like for himself.

You don't need a voice recorder, lots of phones have a voice record function or app you can easily access whilst pretending to text

I really feel for you, OP, because I think you have some hard choices to make. To me, the worst of it all is how your DP spoke to you, and refused to listen to your point of view. Do you think your relationship is worth all of the hassle that this woman will cause? I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

I would go with recording a few conversations and letting him see his little madam of a sister in action.

The sister is not the problem, your partner is.

To me if there is no trust then there isn't no relationship.... Being called a liar in a relationship is not on

What a horrible little cow. I agree with others that you should record the two faced little psycho bitch, hand the evidence to your dp and tell him that its you or the bitch/ or dump him and tell him that you hope he doesn't allow her to destroy all future relationships.

I'd put the recordings on facebook and tell everybody what a nutjob she is. Bullies like her can only function in the shadows.

If you do stay with him, once you have her recorded you could corner her to tell her how ugly she is, how stupid she is, how fat she is, did she ever think of killing herself? Not all at once of course, just regular little comments said nastily enough to dig into her and give her a double dose of her own medicine. She will avoid you pretty quickly in my experience.

She treats you like shit and he takes her side.

I know what I would do in the situation.

She sounds really toxic, and won't change her tune I'm afraid.

Frankly, she sounds jealous. How freudian

OP, I was in the same position as you. I'll try to find the thread on here where I talk about my SIL. DH always stood up for her and never me. I put up with this shit for 9 years. In the end, and with support from MN, I decided to cut her out completely. DH can see her whenever he likes, but I won't go. At first, I got a lot of stick, especially from the ILs, but as time has gone on, people have accepted it.

The strange thing is, DH and SIL were so close, but now they hardly ever see each other. I think by my taking a stand, people have realized how much hurt she was causing.

suburbophobe - I agree entirely she is definately toxic and not a little bit freudian and weird.

On a more serious note, thank you for your comments and advice, I was absolutely prepared to be flamed as the "jealous possessive gf who wants to keep him away from his family" but I am so glad you see my pov on this one.
We talked last night about the need for him to support me on this one and not to tolerate her treating me badly. Will see if his attitude changes ....

With the exception of large family events I will not be seeing her and will certainly never be in a situation where I am alone with her again. Anything spiteful will be answered with "did you mean that to sound so rude/bitchy?" or "you look really healthy, have you gained weight?"

If none of this works and I still find myself being treated badly by her with no support from DP/ he EVER calls me a liar again (I have told him this) I will be seriously considering calling time on this (and possibly punching her in the face)

I wouldn't retaliate with a bitchy remark, because you will be cast as the bad guy, regardless of what she said in the first place.

I had a similar situation, DH could never see any bad in her, or any of his family tbh. I put up with it knowing she was the unreasonable one and she eventually slipped up and showed her true colours, DH now realises what she is like and sometimes joins in when I'm having a rant about her. I never thought he'd see the light but thank god he did, it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for us because I refused to let someone like that get in the way of us, when it was our only problem really.

Don't let her wreck things for you op, because that's what she wants, she wants to be no 1 woman in his life, the longer she doesn't get her way the worse she will get and will eventually slip up and prob say something nasty in front of your dp.

Thank you saynothing!
I was just thinking I can see the reverse IABU now .... "My very smart, witty good looking older brother has got with some hideous northern cow who clearly isn't good enough for him. I have tried to tell her how she can improve herself and not to be such a hypochondriac about her minor condition but she just won't listen. She seems intent on keeping him away from his family and lowering him to her rude, crude level. Help me mn!"

"Why would he want to be with someone who lied to him about his sister's behaviour? Answer - he KNOWS you didn't lie. But he'd rather behave as if he thinks you did rather than stick up for you."
I totally agree with this. Keep it in mind OP, whilst you give him his second chance.