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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM/BIL and birthday card

36 replies

shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 09:42

I'm raging about this but really can't work out AIBU and/or what to do.

BIL (who is a very easy going character) had his birthday last week. DH and I sent him an amazon voucher in an amazon card - i.e a computer generated card.

It would have arrived the day after his birthday as I have to be honest and say that I forgot until too late to send it the day before.

DM has been at my DS and BIL's house at the weekend looking after DN. I spoke to her this morning to ask how she got on. All was fine, apart from the fact that she was looking on their mantle piece and was very disappointed not to see a card there from DH and me. I explained that I had sent one from Amazon. DM told me that this was really not acceptable. I should have sent a personally signed card from DH and me. Separately, I seemed to be relying on very unreliable people such as Amazon if the card hadn't turned up - although DM has never had a problem with them. The inference being that we hadn't actually sent anything.

For the avoidance of doubt, none of this will have come from BIL - I am quite certain of this. This is an issue that DM has. For example, we got married in September and I stayed with my parents the week before the wedding. DM spent a lot of time asking me if I had written my thank you letters for the presents that people had bought for us from the gift list - her and DF's friends would expect a thank you letter by now etc etc. Not very relaxing. I did sent all the letters pre-wedding and loads of DF's and DM's friends then told me at the reception that they couldn't believe that I was spending the days before the wedding writing thank you cards to them Hmm

The long and short of today is I actually told DM that I didn't want to discuss this any further and put the phone down. I actually nearlly burst in to tears en route to work as it has upset me so much. DH and I have a very good relationship with BIL and I can't understand why DM is basically getting in the middle of this and causing a problem when none is there!

I'm not sure how to proceed now. DM and DF are coming to visit us with PIL's for my birthday in a few weeks and I actually just want to cancel the whole thing.

I know that DM will be absolutely convinced that she is the right here and I will have to apologise re the card and also for putting the phone down. I really don't want but I will if IABU. However, I really want to take a stand re this - I'm 33 FGS!

OP posts:
OnlyANinja · 30/01/2012 09:43

How you and BIL deal with each other's birthdays has nothing to do with anyone else.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 09:46

That's what DH (and I) think(s).

However, I know that if I say this to DM I will be told that BIL is very offended but is too polite to say and that DH and I are causing problems and upset in the family and that even if BIL is not offended, DM finds it very upsetting......blah.....blah.......blah.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 30/01/2012 09:47

YANBU. Don't apologise on either count. You've have nothing to apologise for! She appears to be do caught up in maintaining an appearance if good manners yet being really bloody rude to you in her efforts to do so.

ItWasABoojum · 30/01/2012 09:47

YANBU at all. If your BIL doesn't mind not getting a 'proper' card she's making a big deal out of nothing. Tell her to keep her beak out. Don't cancel the birthday do though - just don't mention the situation again. If she does, laugh and ask her why she's so obsessed with other people's birthday cards. She'll soon get the message that she's being daft.

squeakytoy · 30/01/2012 09:50

It really has nothing to do with your mother at all. It is none of her business, and adults getting upset about not receiving birthday cards is incredibly petty.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 09:53

Yes - I wont cancel the birthday thing. I'm thinking of asking my little DS to intercede (i.e. BIL's wife). DM is of the opinion that she does things properly etc while I am a rude, black sheep. Hopefully if she tells DM she is being silly then DM will listen.

I really can't bear it and it happens with every other sodding relative in the family or whenever there is any kind of occasion - such as wedding anniversary. The problem is that it makes me not want to send something on time as DM nags so much about it. When we do send appropriate cards etc on time then DM says it is only because she reminded me and why does she have to do that when I am 33 etc etc.

God, my blood is boiling again!

OP posts:
kelly2000 · 30/01/2012 09:55

tell her it is not any of her business, and that if she keeps beign so rude you just won't answer then 'phone. Do not try to justify yourself to her it will just cement her belief that she is in charge.
I would also speak to bil and ask him if he has been telling dm has a problem with it, if he says no tell dm this and ask her if she is accusing bil of lying.

Cabrinha · 30/01/2012 09:55

Hello? It's your H's brother, so if anyone was rude it was him, not you. (not that it was rude at all)
why are you even thinking of apologising to her? Just leave it - grow a pair!
Personally, I think it's bad manners to send thank you cards before a wedding. I wouldn't dream of checking what gifts people had bought me in advance.
Your MIL is interfering, and fortunately you have your h's support. I firmly suggest that you leave all of his family cards to him.
Why on earth was all the wedding letter writing down to you, too?

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 09:59

Sorry - just to be clear. It is my BIL. He is married to my little sister. It is my mother who has the card ishooooos. Nothing to do with DH. He is only dragged in to it by virtue of being married to me.

I don't want to speak to BIL as I think it will just create more of an issue. In any event. DM would just say he is was being polite in not saying that he has a problem with this.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/01/2012 10:00

Just realised I read this as being your MIL, it's you mum, sorry. Must be combination of interference and mother that made me think MIL!
come on, you're 33 - don't drag your sister into this. Tell your mother you're a grown woman and you'll send cards as and when you like.

Katisha · 30/01/2012 10:01

Time to get that backbone and put a stop to it. Explain calmly that you are indeed 33 and she should not be nagging you about cards and thank you letters. Does this spill over into any other areas?

As said upthread her insistence on what she preceives as good manners has actually become bad manners towards you.

FWIW my MIL is similar and as soon as she gives DSs a present tells them she'll be expecting her thank-you letter the next time she sees them, in front of me as if I need reminding. And if any of her friends send the DS something she keeps asking whether the thank-you card has been sent - its actually more about her because said friends (who DO get the letter) tell us not to worry - they know what she is like.

Cabrinha · 30/01/2012 10:02

Crossed posts on M/MIL!
seriously - why are you even entertaining speaking to anyone?
Leave it be. You shouldn't have put phone down on her, but she shouldn't be so rude - so just leave it.
Next time she brings up cards, say 'mum, I'm 33, I'll do it my way'. And repeat, if she starts on.
You are too old (by about 17 years) to have to do as your mother says!

Floggingmolly · 30/01/2012 10:04

I'm a bit confused as to who's who. Is BIL your husbands brother or your sisters husband? Either way, it's far enough removed from your mum for it to be none of her business, even if all involved weren't consenting adults, surely?
You need to find another way of interacting with your mum, she seems somewhat lacking in boundaries.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 30/01/2012 10:08

Just say "Mum, we all do things differently. Just because YOU do things a certain way, doesnt mean that its the correct way or that my way is the wrong way."

33 - you are not a child, just tell her in a polite manner. She was being rude, you were U to hang up the phone, but I understand why, been there, done that!

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 10:09

BIL is my sister's husband.

I'm actually really worried about this as I have a horrible feeling that it is going to turn in to A. Big. Thing.

To be fair, DM is pretty good at not interefering with other things and only giving advice when asked etc.

However, she seems to feel that I have no social skills (which I actually think is a bit unfair) re things like this combined with the fact that she, for some reason, gets increadibly annoyed about this issue.

OP posts:
Pixieonthemoor · 30/01/2012 10:09

How annoying and upsetting! My mother is slightly similar in that she treats me like a child, telling/reminding me to do things when I am 40!! I would:

  1. call bil just to double check that Amazon (usually 100% reliable) haven't cocked up
  2. tell your m that bil is really pleased with his card and voucher and is having a lovely time deciding how to spend it and she needs to BUTT OUT, stop causing trouble and that this has absolutely NOTHING to do with her. Sorry for the shouty caps but I am Angry on your behalf!
ENormaSnob · 30/01/2012 10:13

Tell her to wind her neck in.

Interfering cow.

sue52 · 30/01/2012 10:15

I would never look inside the cards on my daughters mantle piece as she and I would consider this rude and intrusive behaviour. Your Mother needs to understand that you are an adult and responsible for your own code of manners.
In my opinion your Mother reading your BIL's cards is plain nosy.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/01/2012 10:20

I very much doubt your BIL is bothered by the lack of card, just as your wedding guests would not expect acknowledgement of gifts until months after. I think your DM is a bit obsessed with manners/correspondence, perhaps paranoid that the younger generation are more casual about gifts. My DM is a bit the same and as soon as the gifts started coming in when DD was 2 weeks old (and we'd only been out of hospital 1 week), she started going on about doing thank you cards (with photos) as quickly as possible. I was still recovering from the labour and trying to adjust to life with my first baby, so I thought it was a bit much, especially as I am actually very good at correspondence and fully intended to get onto it soon!

I would try to cut short such conversations with DM and do what you can to discourage interference.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 10:27

Oh God......I dread having a baby.

If we do, I would actually prefer not to receive any presents (seriously) than have to deal with the nagging.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 30/01/2012 10:31

I think you have to grow a thick skin and let these comment wash over you.

When DB didn't send me a card when DD was born (he brought a card with him when he came to visit her) my mother claimed this was obviously because I'd forgotten to send him a 21st birthday card. At the time my brother was 34. If you get into discussion about it you will go mad ...

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 10:34

redsky - that has actually given me a very good laugh.

I am seriously considering going out at lunchtime and buying the biggest padded card that I can find and sending it to BIL.....at work.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2012 11:07

Dear god your mother is Hyacinth Bucket! Do you think she'd get the message if you bought her the DVDs of Keeping Up Appearances for her birthday? Wink

LunaticFringe · 30/01/2012 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 30/01/2012 11:27

This is ridiculous.
Don't let it turn in to A Big Thing.
If she tries to raise the subject tell her, "I don't want to discuss that."
Repeat ad nauseam.