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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM/BIL and birthday card

36 replies

shinyblackgrape · 30/01/2012 09:42

I'm raging about this but really can't work out AIBU and/or what to do.

BIL (who is a very easy going character) had his birthday last week. DH and I sent him an amazon voucher in an amazon card - i.e a computer generated card.

It would have arrived the day after his birthday as I have to be honest and say that I forgot until too late to send it the day before.

DM has been at my DS and BIL's house at the weekend looking after DN. I spoke to her this morning to ask how she got on. All was fine, apart from the fact that she was looking on their mantle piece and was very disappointed not to see a card there from DH and me. I explained that I had sent one from Amazon. DM told me that this was really not acceptable. I should have sent a personally signed card from DH and me. Separately, I seemed to be relying on very unreliable people such as Amazon if the card hadn't turned up - although DM has never had a problem with them. The inference being that we hadn't actually sent anything.

For the avoidance of doubt, none of this will have come from BIL - I am quite certain of this. This is an issue that DM has. For example, we got married in September and I stayed with my parents the week before the wedding. DM spent a lot of time asking me if I had written my thank you letters for the presents that people had bought for us from the gift list - her and DF's friends would expect a thank you letter by now etc etc. Not very relaxing. I did sent all the letters pre-wedding and loads of DF's and DM's friends then told me at the reception that they couldn't believe that I was spending the days before the wedding writing thank you cards to them

The long and short of today is I actually told DM that I didn't want to discuss this any further and put the phone down. I actually nearlly burst in to tears en route to work as it has upset me so much. DH and I have a very good relationship with BIL and I can't understand why DM is basically getting in the middle of this and causing a problem when none is there!

I'm not sure how to proceed now. DM and DF are coming to visit us with PIL's for my birthday in a few weeks and I actually just want to cancel the whole thing.

I know that DM will be absolutely convinced that she is the right here and I will have to apologise re the card and also for putting the phone down. I really don't want but I will if IABU. However, I really want to take a stand re this - I'm 33 FGS!

OP posts:

SecondRow · 30/01/2012 12:56

How about speaking directly to BIL, get him on side? Just tell him your mum is being ridiculous and if he sees her could he just drop into conversation that he loved the Amazon gift card and he feels he's a bit old to be making a fuss over birthdays and paper cards anyway, but a nice gift certificate was something he could really use etc etc. He sounds nice and easygoing enough to help you out - and he probably already knows well what your mum is like.

SecondRow · 30/01/2012 12:59

Oh and to DM you then say, rather shocked, if she tries to go on about it again, "Mum, I'm so surprised at you showing such poor etiquette as to poke around in BIL's and my relationship. It's really bad form!" Turn it back on her :)

ceebie · 30/01/2012 13:05

YANBU. You're a grown up and entitled manage or indeed mis-manage your own friendships and relationships as you see fit without her interference.

Refuse to discuss it with her. Tell her it's none of her business. It's between you and DBIL. End of. Stand your ground!

ExitPursuedByaBear · 30/01/2012 13:06

Can I be the first to say

You are lucky to have your mother, some of us have lost our mothers.

Seriously, she sounds a bloody nightmare on this issue, but, I am always painfully aware that I am not terribly good at thankyous, and consequently neither is my DD, and yet I am always pleased when I get a thank you.

I blame my mother for not teaching me properly!

oldraver · 30/01/2012 13:08

Has BIL confirmed he got the Voucher/card ? If not I would phone and ask him saying that your mother was very concerned you had not sent anything

ceebie · 30/01/2012 13:10

And don't allow her to remind you about cards in the future either - she shouldn't be getting involved at all.

pengymum · 30/01/2012 13:41

My suggestion, FWIW is:

Just beat her at her own game, get or make a greetings card organiser (can get some pretty ones ready made or make your own some ideas here I would also set up calendar - either on phone/email or a real one with all the 'events' noted on it and reminders in plenty of time.

When she next mentions anything about cards, thank you etc, tell her that there is no need as you are mega organised and show it to her. Or if you want to be really cheeky: get/make her one as well - present it to her and say you thought she would like one as you know how paranoid much she likes to be organised about cards.
Also if she does 'remind' you ever again, just say you have already posted it and blame it on the Post Office (or computer glitch) if is late! Just defuse the situation and don't get into an argument. Life is too short to fall out over cards - just pick your battles!

HTH

breatheslowly · 30/01/2012 20:25

Oldraver - that is evil - we have that in my family if you aren't quick enough with a thank you. My grandmother is the worst for it, but I can't think of a time when she has sent me a thank you card herself, which grates slightly.

lisaro · 30/01/2012 20:29

The only thing I'd say to your mother is 'mind your own business'. As long as you and the rest of the family know that she's a stirrer, then if you all ignore it when she does it won't be an issue. Seriously - you're an adult - tell her to wind it in!

GnomeDePlume · 30/01/2012 20:41

YANBU

Your DM is confusing etiquette with manners. Your DM is actually being very ill mannered to point out to you where she thinks you have failed in her perception of etiquette. What she should in fact do is either demonstrate by example or just cut you from now on.

The latter would probably be less stressful all round!

MsVestibule · 30/01/2012 21:33

I'm 40, and my parents would still be doing this if I let them! Actually, thinking about it, I think my DM still does. However, if she does ever say anything like "did you send Great Aunt Madge a card?", she just gets a yes or no response. She can tell from my tone that no further discussion is wanted.

I think you need to practise a "I don't really think that it's any of your concern" response. No justification, e.g. "BIL doesn't mind", because that gives her an opening to respond. Now repeat after me, Shiny: "I don't really think that it's any of your concern"

Having said that, I moved out 21 years ago, and I'm only now finally learning how to handle these sort of situations!

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