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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want and need my best friend to support and accept me and her brother?

31 replies

seary · 29/01/2012 23:18

This is breaking me and bf up and I really need to unload.

Bit of background:

My best friend is my bf sister.
Me and best friend have known each other since we were 4. As a teenage I spent school holidays at hers or on holiday with her parents (my dad is forces).
Her brother is 3 years older than us - as teenagers he was my first kiss, first everything. It was never serious just a cheeky snog or something and always in secret.
The 3 of us live in the same city and spend a lot of time together especially as our social groups overlap.
About 2 and a half years ago my best friend went to europe for her job. In that time me and her brother got very close, became friends with benefits and after many many a late night realised that maybe we should try it for real.
It was great. We made the decision not to tell parents, friends (a few knew about fwithb but nothing else) and especially not best friend/sister. Mainly because it effects a lot of people.
That went on for about a year. She came back and 3 months later we made 'us' public.
She was icy and said she was worried about her being caught in the middle. We talked and tried to put her at ease and we were all fine with each other.

Last month bf and I decided to move in together - have put both our flats on the market and are looking together.

She wont talk or see either of us. We have tried separately and together but we both get know where.
She will check if one of us is going out before going out herself. Our friends find it all very awkward.
It is making me and BF re-think our relationship together if it means that our relationship with beat friend/sister becomes non existent.
AIBU to expect her not freeze us out and for her to realise that her actions are actually tearing us apart (even if a part of me thinks that may be what she wants)

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 23:22

Maybe she's hurt that other people knew you were 'friends with benefits'/Shagging him and she didn't?

Best friends tend to tell each other those sort of things and if they don't, they tend not to tell anyone else.

Maybe she just needs time?

GrahamTribe · 29/01/2012 23:34

Caught in the middle? Caught in the middle of what exactly? It's hardly as if he's married and she has divided loyalties.

As much as your partner has every right to want not to upset his sister I'd be looking at whether I wanted to be so closely involved with him if you're both considering breaking up already just because someone else's nose is put out of joint. She sounds, well, a bit insecure and immature to me, if not jealous.

mrstiredandconfused · 29/01/2012 23:47

I'm with GrahamTribe on this- she sounds very immature and petty. Yes by all means give her time but don't change your plans and don't feel guilty, life is too short - if you're happy with him then you're happy. She'll either come round and be happy for you or she won't, but stop begging her to talk to you - get on and enjoy and just give her some space.

squeakytoy · 29/01/2012 23:51

What do their parents have to say about it?

Bestb411pm · 29/01/2012 23:57

It's completely your choice to end your relationship over her, although I have to say I wouldn't, it's not as if she's been conned or deliberately hurt in any way. Her feelings of apparent betrayal are her problem, neither you or your bf have done anything wrong when it comes down to it. I strongly suspect that even if you two called time on your relationship there would be very little fixed from her pov.

I think in light of her refusing to talk to you I would be looking for a mediator. Either a mutual friend or maybe a member of their family if there's one close enough, who could very discreetly let you know what's going on in her head and perhaps convey the message to her that she is a self fulfilling prophecy as she's the only one putting anyone 'in the middle' and laying down apparent ultimatums in your social group.

GoingForGoalWeight · 30/01/2012 00:00

YANBU she needs to accept her Brother and yourself are free to fall in love with whom you want to fall in love with. I think she is jealoud aswell as feeling a bit left out for whatever reason. I hope this makes you stronger, not weaker as a couple if that is what you both want, must be terribly awkward and confusing.

missingmumxox · 30/01/2012 01:09

with graham, I TOTALLY understand your friend a I have bored my SIL on many occations, I was sooo jealous when my Brother married his wife, he had always been my boy, I was married by this time for 7 years, but he was mine and well I can't explain, nothing werid just he was MY brother, luckly I am a normal human being and realised it was MY problem and my SIL is absolutly the right lady for my brother, for the record he did try and keep her secret as well.
she wasn't my best friend.
but sister in mho are bloody awful SIL's if they love their brothers because older or younger I saw myself as his number 1 girl and 8 years of happy marrage later, I still miss being his no 1 but I know I should not be, and he has got a star of a wife.

she needs to grow up, that said if this little fly is breaking you up, then it has no future, and you need to grow up.

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/01/2012 02:20

Some siblings do seem to have a far closer bond than most of us... my older two kids are joined at the hip and my son is jealous of all daughter's friends as they get to spend time with her. It is weird and hope they grow out of it... hopefully that is all that is the problem with your br and bbf. Maybe she just needs time to get her head around it.

On the other hand, I have cousins that are brother and sister a year apart, and the whole family are pretty Sure they have a flowers in the attic type relationship... really creepy and I know they have struggled trying yo maintain other relationships without jealousy and drama. I hope this is not the problem for you as I think that would be a tougher situation to get in the middle of...

iscream · 30/01/2012 02:29

Seems weird to me. I would have been thrilled if my bf and db hooked up.

my2centsis · 30/01/2012 03:24

O dont think it BU I do however think you have kept alot of secrets from your so called best friend may she feels betrayed and hurt? Mayb try talking to her again? If u think the brother is the real deal I don't think you should break up tho

Good luck

DoesntBodenWell · 30/01/2012 09:28

Ah, Flowers in the Attic, that was a great book. Must dig it out.

biddysmama · 30/01/2012 09:36

my sil is the same :( i went to school with her, i stayed at her house and went to family do's etc but her brother is 11 years older than me sowas just her big brother... then i got chatting to im on facebook and he came for a brew and we ended up together, she wasnt impressed at all, didnt speak to me until i had ds, she isnt my friend anymore, all contact is between her and dh, she doesnt even have my mobile number. its a shame but her choice, maybe she will come to accept it in time?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 30/01/2012 09:43

I can understand why your friend feels wierd.

She won't be able to talk to her brother about best friend issues any more and she won't be able to talk to her best friend about family issues anymore. Well, she could, but it won't be the same as neither of you will be removed from the situation any more, you and your boyfriend will both be close enough to have your own thoughts on whatever situation.

I think there probably will be a bit of jealousy there as well, naturally and totally understandably. She will have been the one in your group of friends that is most special to her brother, but now you will be.

She will have to get used to her friend becoming part of her family in her own right.

Bottom line is, she is going to need to get over it, but I wouldn't expect that to be easy for her.

TheParanoidAndroid · 30/01/2012 09:45

thats all true about her, but if you and him are thinking of breaking up because shes not happy, then you are hardly the love story of the century. All sounds very playground on all sides.

toddlerama · 30/01/2012 09:45

I married my BFs brother. She felt a bit left out initially, and there were definitely times when she over stepped the boundaries in terms of 'crashing' dates etc., but this was all ironed out very early on. I think she wasn't sure how serious we were and just thought "why shouldn't I come?"

It's all fine now, and she is a wonderful aunt to our children. We've actually discussed how glad we are to still be in each others lives as a result of DH and my marriage - we haven't really kept in touch with other friends from teenage years and we will now never not be in touch.

toddlerama · 30/01/2012 09:46

Oh, also, she did point out that she would have felt left out if DH and I had simultaneously started seeing anyone - it just decimated her social life a bit as we had previously done a lot as a 3!

Dozer · 30/01/2012 09:47

Your friendship with her is probably over, whatever you do now. Some people are v weird about friends and siblings getting together.

Your bf needs to handle this, with their parents if the parents are helpful.

Was a bit weird to keep the relationship secret, also odd to suggest it "affects a lot if people", sounds like you all enjoy drama tbh!

OTheHugeManatee · 30/01/2012 10:05

If I discovered much later than everyone else that my best friend was shagging one of my brothers I'd probably be a bit taken aback. I think she's BU in refusing to speak to you, avoiding you when out etc but rethinking your relationship because of her sulking is a bit U as well.

Can't you and your DP just ask her to meet and listen to what's bothering her? She's probably just feeling a bit marginalised. Most people unwind once they feel they've been listened to and acknowledged - if you can do this without it all escalating it'll probably solve the whole problem.

snuffaluffagus · 30/01/2012 10:12

How bizarre.. has your brother spoken to his parents about it? Maybe they can chat to her and get to the bottom of it?

I guess in her place I'd be hurt to have not been kept in the loop from a much earlier stage.. maybe it's that? I'm sure she'll come around.

snuffaluffagus · 30/01/2012 10:12

*her brother obviously

AbsofCroissant · 30/01/2012 10:21

I agree with the other posters who are saying she should grow up - it does sound very immature, but I can kind of understand where she's coming from. When your best friend goes into a serious relationship (particularly if she wasn't the first to know) you do get pushed aside to an extent and become less important in that person's life - which is natural. If you want to have a healthy, strong relationship with your boyfriend, he should come first. I also think she probably feels excluded, especially if you three used to spend a lot of time together. The whole dynamic of the relationships between you three has changed, and she's the person who gets driven out to an extent.

I would suggest taking her out, just the two of you, and talking through this - explain to her how serious this relationship is, and give her a chance to air her fears/issues.

Original poster

seary · 30/01/2012 15:59

Thanks

His and her parents think she is being silly but are trying to stay out of it. ( they are happy for us)
Our parents are close and in our social group we have seen people date for a short while and then when they broke up it becoming very awkward for everyone. Which is why we waited for a bit before going public.

Defiantly not Flowers in the Attic. They are just very close and always have been.

Perhaps I phased it wrong slightly. We both don't want to be the cause of the other ones deteriorating relationship with her. And neither do we want to upset her. Which leaves breaking up. Something neither of us wants to do.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 30/01/2012 16:26

Although I can sort of understand her worries, she's being utterly selfish and hurtful.

I really hope that you don't split with her brother because of this. These are HER actions and worries and I really don't believe you should pander to them. Could you still be friends with her if she made you feel like you had no choice but to let her brother go?

I think the time is done for re-assurance, its now time, because you are your dp are setting up home together, that you get in touch somehow, TELL her that this is the way its going to be, she either accepts you and has a fabulous relationship with you both or she loses out. Tell her she cannot dictate, and you will not allow her to dictate who either of you love. She needs to grow up.

You can't change her mind, but don't make it seem that you'll tolerate the fallout of her own princesslike childish behaviour.

I'm a softy too, but let her be the maker of her own misery, don't let her drag you down too.

Callisto · 30/01/2012 16:38

I'd be over the moon if my best friend shacked up with my brother. Think your friend is being a bit strange really.

Bestb411pm · 30/01/2012 16:44

Really, breaking up solely because of this is unlikely to resolve her issues. I would put money on the fact that at least you will still be subject to her cold shoulder and there will still be the awkwardness and divide in your social group.

Never mind the fact that you and your bf can't just turn off your feelings for one another and she will pick up on that and the same problem will raise it's head.

If you're both happy then I think you're both best off doing what is right for your relationship and weathering the storm. Try not to be dictated to by others when she refuses to go out in the same group as you, if she wants to isolate herself so be it. Keep the olive branch out (birthday cards, enquiries through parents etc.) but leave it up to her now.

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