to get so pointlessly upset about this?

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

I was there for her, day after day for years... countless hours on the phone, did every single birthday for her, took weeks at a time off work to care for her, lent her money she never repaid. Now for the first time ever I ask her a favour, to come and help out for just a few days after I've had major surgery and won't be able to use half my body 'ooooooh can I think about it, that's such a huuuuuuuge thing you've asked'. But she still wants to come and visit 'just for a break'

Please tell me to stop fuming and accept that reciprocity is never a symmetrical thing, and that some friendships are simply one-sided like that. Tell me that I've got better things to stress about than such an utterly self-absorbed individual... please...

What you tend to find with people like her is that when you tackle them about their selfishness instead of saying "Oh I'm really sorry I've upset you" they turn it round and talk about how it affects them and how they feel and how hard their life is. As you've found out today with your friend.

People like that are selfish to the core and will never change. Walking away is the best thing, and focus on finding friends that treat you as you deserve to be treated :)

Just give us a vague outline of what you said...

Aw go on , and post her next reply

What a bitch!

She sounds horrid! Glad to hear you have replied to her and let her have it. It sounds like you've been a fab friend to her and she sounds very selfish.

Also why are you facing a four figure repair bill for something that she caused?!?

She sounds horrible OP. There are givers and takers, but that's going a bit far.

OK (this is heavily edited)...

Dear Friend

Thank you for your cold-hearted and utterly self-absorbed little missive. I suddenly realise why [psychologist cousin] has spent all of these years calling you a narcissist... But the reality of life is that friendship is never symmetrical, And some people, like you, do simply always take more than they give.

I am therefore going to respond by saying simply this: coming simply for a holiday is not fair, so please, just don't come. We are not a hotel and can't afford fairweather friends who come and visit simply for their own needs and refuse to pull their weight.

If you need somewhere to stay to come and visit [mutual friend nearby, whose house she doesn't like the smell of], DH suggests you try [MIL, who has sufficiently robust bathrooms but will undoubtedly give her a very scary bollocking].

Breastmilk

"Also why are you facing a four figure repair bill for something that she caused?!"

It was either that or live without adequate sanitation. She doesn't have the money.

I love your response! It's dignified, yet sarcky!

I think it's too much. She's hurt you and you're lashing out at her, but I think you'll come to regret it.

Well, that ought to do it! One friendship done and dusted, certainly.

I don't blame you for being so angry. She sounds like she is just take take take. You don't need that in your life.

I agree - I know it was too much and I regret it already :(

Wow

What did she do to bust your plumbing?

I ditched a Taker in my teens and although I still feel sad sometimes, I KNOW it was the right thing to do.

Have you sent it already, OP?

I don't think sending a letter was wrong. I just don't think being insulting ever really helps.

oh, fab. sometimes things HAVE to be said, even if that means there's no going back. Otherwise there's just too much resentment anyway, and that's never good. It will destroy a friendship with no hope of recovery.

You never know, maybe she might really think about what you've said and how you feel and realise that she has been selfish.

You did well I think.

Je ne regrette rien!

I'm sorry that it's come to this but it's an excellent email. I hope you feel better soon

I too think it needed sending and was a good email. The friendship is over anyway so it won't hurt her to hear a few home truths. People like her need them!

Yes, I understand what you mean and I agree. And knowing the way she thinks, I don't think she'll even understand the insults.

Ach well, it's done now and she need telling.

You have bigger fish to fry, it sounds like.

I'd try to just move on and forget her.

No, not too much. Possibly not enough as she would probably not 'remember' all you've done for her. I know it's mean-spirited to list all the ways you have put yourself out for her, but I would be sorely tempted.

I learnt my lesson when I asked a 'friend' to come and stay as I had given birth quite early and DH was going to be away to be a best man. It was my 1st DC and I was all over the place and knackered after a long labour and non-sleeping newborn.

She sat on the sofa (not even holding the baby) the entire weekend. I've never made so many cups of tea or meals. Was too shell-shocked by the whole motherhood thing to be assertive. I'd be hijacking the thread (if I haven't already) to list all the times I had dropped everything to help her prior to that.

Anyway, I know how upsetting it is when you realise, I sympathise.

I did similar to my SIL and felt much better for it. She did as others have described here, responded with how she felt about it and how it affected her with no acknowledgment at all to our feelings.

At least now I don't have to make an effort and continue a farce in front of others. I even called her a user and a taker to MIL's face. Such was the strength of my feeling.

OP do not feel guilty. She isn't actually capable of seeing what the problem is. In her mind she is the victim.

She is certain to be much less hurt by your e-mail than you were by her selfishness.
She sounds horrible.
I hope the surgery goes well.