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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dd should not give her school lunch to her friend

41 replies

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 12:34

DD is 10, and has a best friend who is 9. When her friend comes to our house she comes to our house and raids the cupboard when I am not looking. DD does not eat well so I tend to let her get food when she wants it, and I did originally tell her friend she could help herself to drinks and snacks etc.

However it soon became apparent that her eating was out of control and one day she went home and threw up cos she had eaten so much. I have now stopped her getting stuff without asking.

Last week she came and I thought they were role playing in the kitchen but when she left, it turns out she had eaten half a packet of rich tea and 3 fudges. She had already eaten a full happy meal.

DD has now told me that her friend asks for her lunch all the time and not just a bit, the whole lot. DD has borderline special needs and is easily blackmailed. Her friend has been emotionally blackmailing DD into giving her some of her food, and it seems to be getting more each day.

I don't think she is getting fed properly at home. She is almost 4ft 6 and only ways 4.5 stone.

What can I do? I am worried about her friend.

OP posts:

LadySybilDeChocolate · 29/01/2012 12:36

I'd have a chat with the teacher. Is her friend under the radar of social services?

Thumbwitch · 29/01/2012 12:36

Well no, she shouldn't be taking your DD's lunch. But it does sound a bit like she's not eating enough herself at other times. Do you know the child's family? Have you or your DD ever been round there? might be a start to find out more about her if you can.

gardenplants · 29/01/2012 12:40

In my DS's primary, it is absolutely forbidden to share food, regardless of where the food is from, even school dinners. Probably because of allergies etc. I would tell the school to keep an eye on your DD at lunchtime because she is realatively willing to give her food to her best friend. Name the child as well. The school should keep an eye on both of them. Her friend sounds quite skinny but some children are skinny - my DS is also about 4 foot 4 or 4 foot 5 and he doesn't even weigh 4 stone. I would hate someone to think I don't feed him, I do, he is just naturally very skinny and also very fussy.

LadySybilDeChocolate · 29/01/2012 12:42

My old next door neighbour has a child who eats like a horse. She'll feed her, then 20 minutes later she's asking for more food.

Original poster

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 12:45

Thanks for the replies. I would have thought she was naturally skinny and maybe fussy but she actually ate some frozen vegetables out of our freezer the other week. She would eat me if I stood still long enough.

Seriously though I drop her off every week but her parents hardly speak. They are not the sort you can have a chat to about your concerns. I think I am still getting the blame for her being sick a couple of weeks ago.

I think I will have a word with the school, as we struggle to get weight on dd due to her fussiness.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 29/01/2012 12:52

I would say that you can only intervene with the stuff that involves your dd. That said, insome cases over-eating and stealing food are signs of abuse and neglect. The teachers will have the knowledge of whether there are other signs, so your concerns could be enough to tip the balance between Suspicions and Call SS.

Or, it will just mean that the lunchtime staff keep a close eye on your dd to make sure this girl isn't bullying her...

BalloonTwister · 29/01/2012 12:53

WTF? Frozen food? She sounds like she's starving OP. Definitely bring it up with the school. Personally I'd be inviting her round to tea and feeding her up to ask her a few questions about what she eats at home

StewieGriffinsMom · 29/01/2012 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapesDoxy · 29/01/2012 12:56

Hmm, that does seem odd now you mention the extent of the eating (frozen peas, gosh!) Does she seem neglected at all? Unkempt or emotionally needy?

If you are concerned I would speak to the school about your DD lunch and casually mention that the other girl always seems hungry.

If you really are concerned about her not being fed enough ti may be worth calling SS since if your fears are unfounded then no harm done.

Original poster

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 12:56

It is a hard one, as I do not have suspicions of neglect. She is such a happy kid and has never give me any other cause for concerns. I am trained in dealing with abuse as part of my job, and I have never had alarms bells ringing.

She does seem to get sidelined for the younger siblings abit but nothing else.

OP posts:

Original poster

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 12:58

She is not unkempt or anything. I don't know whether her parents are just naive. Her dad is not her biological dad and he seems to treat his own two better but I am sure that happens in a lot of cases

OP posts:

SantieMaggie · 29/01/2012 12:59

I agree with signs of neglect - i know of another child albeit younger who did some similar things out of fear of being left hungry :(

Please talk to the school - they can keep an eye on her taking your dds lunch as well as look at what may be causing it.

PurplePidjin · 29/01/2012 13:01

I would be surprised at a 9yo being allowed to play at a friend's house and the parents not checking with the hosting parents, tbh, evenjust to make sure the child had been good...

Original poster

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 13:04

They never check up on her but I don't know if is just the way they are. I feel like I have opened a can of worms here, as I don't think there is neglect going on except from the lack of food. But then again she could get fed well at home, and has a fast metabolism. Maybe she has some kind of eating disorder where she binge eats.

OP posts:

ragged · 29/01/2012 13:11

that sounds weird. DD regularly mooches food off of others at school lunchtimes, but they are her best friends who willingly share and would otherwise throw it away. And she would not scoff frozen veg.

I think I'd say something to the school.

Original poster

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 13:12

Saying all this, there is one other factor which I find odd. She has absolutely no concept of time or distance. For example: if it was tuesday, she would not know how many days away thurs was. We live in the south, but if you asked her where Scotland was, she would not be able to grasp that it was further away than the next town. It is strange for a 9 year old who is in middle group for her maths and literacy :(

OP posts:

LadySybilDeChocolate · 29/01/2012 13:34

Hmm. Have you heard of Prada Willis? It's a learning difficulty, combined with an intense desire to eat. People who have this will eat anything, including frozen food. Their brain tells them that they are starving so they over eat.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 13:36

Maybe she has the sort of parents who never keep crisps, biscuits, sweets in the house and who think McDonalds is a front for some sort of devil worship.

Equally, if her lunch is all couscous and bread sticks with water that trickled through the mountain springs of La La Land and was blessed by the fair hands of the Pope...your DD's lunchbox might simply hold more appeal?

Either way, she shouldn't be putting pressure on her.

Her height and weight are normal for her age btw.

SnapesDoxy · 29/01/2012 13:37

It won't be Prada-Willis, they have slow metabolisms as well as the hunger so are quite overweight from a young age. They also have mild to moderate Learning difficulties and OP has mentioned nothing of the sort.

PurplePidjin · 29/01/2012 13:39

No on is saying she's definitely being abused. Just that a professional needs as much info as possible to make the right decision, whether that's a cafcass form or in school monitoring.

Many signs of abuse aren't signs unless they're put together with other stuff. Your little jigsaw piece might be just that, or it might fit with another piece to give a clue that action needs taking.

All the high profile cases are the ones where no one bothered to put the pieces together - and in this case, you're a parent and all you can do is hand over your piece to the jigsaw maker (teacher)

I'm a youth worker. I have nightmares for a week after each dose of CP training. All you can do is report and monitor.

Original poster

ugt1 · 29/01/2012 13:39

I will talk to the teacher about dd giving her lunch to someone else and see if they can keep an eye on it.

I am sure that the school will have picked up on any signs of neglect by now as her siblings also go to the school, and they are in the best place to pick up on any concerns.

OP posts:

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/01/2012 13:40

You clearly have several concerns, OP. If I were you, I would keep an eye on her for a while and see if she'll open up to you somehow. Trust your instincts, but be careful not to label her with something, it may be just that she is greedy - I know a couple of children like this, and they really are just greedy. So am I, a bit, so I sort of relate

MCos · 29/01/2012 13:42

Hi Op, I have experienced a few playdate friends doing something similar with food in our house. But only with treats stuff - cookies, baked goods, sweets, crisps, fruit juices, chocolate cereal, etc. Never with anything like frozen veg! I can think of at least two children that I need to watch out for, or they will stuff themselves silly with rubbish. Especially behind my back.

Absolutely certain there is no neglect at home in all these cases. Mostly I find this with children where treats are very limited at home. Or if their parents have stricter rules at home than we do. It seem that some children equate more relaxed rules with NO rules. I am fairly fast to correct that now, but initially I was rather shocked and didn't act fast enough to stop things.

Could it be that there are limited treats and 'boring' box lunches at this child's house?

Regarding the weight issue, it may or may not be linked to what she eats at home. DD2 can eat as much as I do, but burns it off very quickly. She is about 50% percentile weight (and 90% height). My sisters/SIL are amazed at how much she can eat.

I agree with all the posters who advise to bring it up with the school.

PurplePidjin · 29/01/2012 13:43

AFAIK Prader -Willi is genetic and there are some fairly obvious physical characteristics
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prader?Willi_syndrome

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 13:44

There is no weight 'issue' here...she's a perfectly normal weight for her age and height.

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