to wonder why some MILs go a bit haywire when a grandchild arrives?

[seoladair]

That's been my experience, and to judge by the AIBU and Relationships boards, it's not uncommon. Why?

A MIL is also a mother, so why single out MILs?

I don't know what you mean by 'haywire'

But MILs are also Mums, so I don't see the difference?

Snap Squeaky

Because it re-awakens all the maternal instincts they felt when their own DC were born?

Because they worry how their DC are going to cope as they suddenly remember some of their own struggles?

Or just because they like to control and be in charge of everything?

It's not my mil that's gone haywire it my mother, bless her! A combination of joy, worry and control freakery.

How do you mean haywire?

I cannot wait to be a nan, not that there is any chance on the horizon just yet. I am a very maternal person, though. I actually think that some of the posters on here are strange in regards to how they think that family should be with one another (distant) and not care about any children born into their family.

As long as you keep your own mum at arms length then i think, fair enough, but still don't agree, but woman are unfair when they see a baby/child as their property, only.

Do you mean the relationship between the daughter in law and mother in law can become a bit strained? That was my experience but it was as much to do with me as her (well sometimes, obvs sometimes she was genuinely unreasonable ).

My mother is like this

Hate the MN obsession with mil only

The thing that struck me the most about becoming a grandmother was I couldn't believe how much love I could feel for someone that I hadn't actually given birth to.

Congratulations OP on the most provocative and yet somehow nonsensical thread title I have read in many a long year.

Many of my learned friends have already made the point: why MiLs rather than Ms?

I will just say, wait until you are a grandmother yourself and perhaps you will find out. Or maybe you will just want to rephrase the question.

If however you already are a grandmother then I have completely misread you and don't know how I will ever apologise!

No, I mean the MIL-DIL dynamic. There doesn't seem to be such an issue with MIL-son-in-law relationships.

And Maras2 has hit the nail bang on the head except I think there is no need for the last 7 words of her post!!

Not just MILs - women who are becoming grandmothers - you just don't notice it as much when it is your own mum because you've had 20 more years (or more) to get used to her eccentricities.

My mum went a bit odd, but she sorted it out eventually, think she couldn't handle the thought of her (30 yr old!) daughter actually being responsible for another little human being! My dad had words with her I think!

My MiL is crazy, but she was crazy before DS was born, so it's nothing to do with his arrival! My DH is not the favourite son and she was disappointed he produced a boy for a first grandchild, so we didn't expect anything other than the weirdness we had experienced before DS was even on the horizon.

It's not just MILs, its mothers. It must be a culture shock to realise that your baby is not a baby any more and has responsibility for a child. Your role changes, so wobbles are to be expected.

SarahDoctor - I'm just posing a question, not voicing an opinion! And I did say "some" MILs - not all of them!
OK, to rephrase - why do I keep reading about MIL-DIL problems on Mumsnet, but hardly ever about problems between MILs and sons-in-law?

I also love how many MIL moaners on MN forget that they are the MILs of the future. I'm sure there is the odd crazy MIL about but I often read threads on here and think the DIL is the problem and should get a bloody grip.

It's because they love the baby and want to be involved with the baby but the dil doesn't see the mil as having a claim on the relationship in the same way as the mil. Simple really. And there is less like to be problems with the daughter- mother because the daughter will recognize the mother's claim. And the mother probably doesn't feel as much need to grab baby from daughter because there is more a feeling of vicarious enjoyment of baby through her daughter.

why do I keep reading about MIL-DIL problems on Mumsnet, but hardly ever about problems between MILs and sons-in-law?

Probably because very few men post on here and even if they did, they would get shot down in flames for daring to complain about their MIL's.. as that would be the woman's mother! Nowhere like MN for double standards.

Because the majority of members are women?

I think mums themselves go haywire when especially the first is born. they decide how they want things to be and can be very exclusive (looking back I was a bit like this). Grandparents also have ideas of how they want to be involved and the most likely clash of ideas is going to be between the people who have only recently become family. My mil is/was a little more stand offish than I would like whereas my mother is more involved than my dh would like. My mums mum was very involved and mum felt unsupported by her mil. My mil felt interferred with by her mil. And so it goes on....

Unless you sit down and discuss expectations in advance, but that can lead to its own problems. My worst fall out with my other was when we foolishly announced that we were not going to tell her when labour started first time round. She wanted to be like her mother and be supportive to dh on the end of the phone. As it happened, 2 days into my latent phase I wanted to speak to her so I would have been better keeping my mouth shut really.

Much better OP!!

IME, and in answer to your much more reasonable question I have to say that I agree with you...the tensest relationship potential in the world in not, as old style comedians would have it, between MIL and SonIL (pace Les Dawson!!) but , as you say, between MIL-DIL. I guess it's because in some way there is some kind of Oedipal battle in reverse going on...you're both in love with the same guy! In the same way I think there are possibly more skirmishes to be had between FiL and SoniL than FiL and DiL

I know I resented my own Mil like mad, and she was a leeetle bit possessive of her firstborn (my former H), but not nearly as much as I thought at the time. Now I am a MiL and although I watch every step very closely I am still acutely aware that my DiL is somewhat wary of me. Tbh I think she's a bit scared of me!! And so it goes!

The MIL/DIL dynamic is more likely to go awry once GCs arrive because MILs often feel pushed out of their sons lives in a way that mothers of daughters do not. The arrival of children just polarises this and they will often feel insecure and jealous at what they perceive is the closer bond the children are encouraged to form with the DIL's parents. They will feel that everything they say/do in relation to the DCs will be scrutinised and found lacking, whereas the DIL is far more likely to see her own mother's behaviour around the DCs in a more positive light.

Speaking in very general terms obviously, and it won't be true for everyone, but this issue is as old as the hills in our culture. Look at other cultures (India for example) and the opposite is true - the daughter gets absorbed into the paternal PILs family and they hold all the cards.

That's not to say theat there is not tension between MIL and DIL in that scenario, obviously, jus that the paternal PILs have more say, more control, generally speaking.

Nettee, Tryingtoleave and SarahDoctor - thanks for thoughtful replies!

It's true that it's mainly women on these boards. However there are plenty of women who have sons-in-law, but we rarely hear from them. We do hear from MILs who have problems with DILs, and vice versa, so it's not just about the fact that more women post on the boards; it really does seem to me that the MIL-DIL dynamic is potentially tricky. (apologies to all fab MILs who have been gearing up to get offended by my question!)

HillyWallaby - interesting point about other cultures.