to wonder why some MILs go a bit haywire when a grandchild arrives?

[seoladair]

That's been my experience, and to judge by the AIBU and Relationships boards, it's not uncommon. Why?

In my case it was an unending series of bees in her bonnet about things which really weren't right and which I really couldn't compromise on (give dd Ribena or squash in her bottle when she was less than 6 weeks old, for instance) and these buzzing bees continued to buzz several times a day for months. My saying a firm no, even explaining why, had no effect; and I knew she would do it herself if I wasn't around. Now, I know it's not life-threatening, but....

Where we could compromise (and I always asked dh how he felt, how we should deal with those things) we did. Where we could just let MIL do whatever she wanted, we did. The problem was on those little things which grew and grew and grew because she simply would not let go. Mainly.

Most of it has been lost in the mists of time, I'm happy to say.

For me as the DIL I'd say the problems I have with my MIL is that I am acutely aware of the fact that I do not matter to her. This was highlighted when DS was born extremely prem and I was very ill - they clearly did not care. They monopolised DS's time in SCBU so I could not be with him as much as I'd liked and made horrible blunt comments ("does he know who you are?") and were very PA ("is mummy being cruel to you?" "well, he says... I don't think much to this") when I was changing him. They made the hardest period in my life much, much harder. I will never forgive them for that.

Even now, 10 months on things aren't better. Nothing I do is right, ("he doesn't want that") and I feel like an unwelcome presence when we visit. They don't ask how I am , ever. I can tell they are unhappy that DS loves me so much, they try to make out that he prefers his father ("don't worry, Daddy's just there") - my MIL even bats my son's arms away when he holds them out for me.

I feel like the vessel that has brought them what they want, but other than that I do not feel valued at all, or for myself. I would love nothing more than to feel, if not loved, then just like I'm a tiny bit interesting at least. I can't see that happening anytime soon. I am also pregnant with DC2 so wonder if things are actually going to get worse rather than better?

I think that suddenly two people who may not have a v intimate relationship suddenly have something v intimate connecting them in which they both have a v emotional stake.

I think there are not so many problems between sils and mils because they are not thrown together so much. My dh didn't get on very well with my mother (she was very blunt and would say critical things to him) but I don't think he ever had to spend time on his own with her. OTOH, I had to spend weeks, 1 on 1 with his mother, when she was visiting and he was working.

snowboarder you do not have to have these people near you in the immediate post-natal period. when you are well enough to rationally deal with them, then arrange the time. Your DH, of course, should back you up in this..

i also think my MIl blames me when often it is her son that doesn't make much of an effort. it wouldn't be nice to tell her that though. again, a MIL problem..is often a DH problem.....

Snowboarder, my in-laws are / were pretty similar. The batting arms away especially. I have to say, in the end, DH did say "She wants Finally, Mum", and that was the end of it. DD was about 9 months then. Until then, every time she reached out for me she was turned around / taken to look out of the window.

I don't know why some MILs go bonkers when their first GC comes along (fear they are no longer the centre of the family? Under threat? Fear of being sidelined?) but it is certainly the case in some instances - and I think those posters in the highly fortunate position of having easy-going in laws need to accept they are fortunate - and other people aren't just making it up

I wouldn't go so far as to say my MIL and I don't get on, but there are certainly things we clash on.

She did/does things very differently to me.

I think I am right and that her way of doing things is wrong. That's why I do them my way.
She naturally thinks her way of doing things is right and my way is wrong. Which of us is 'right'? I would say me, she would say her. (e.g. she thinks smacking is fine. She is very open about the fact that she smacks her other grandchildren - if she smacked mine I'd report her for assault. That sort of thing.)

She wants to assert her position as the matriarch of the family and expects her flock to gather round her at her behest.
I don't recognise her in that position and if we have other plans, we stick with them. Sometimes we don't have other plans and we still don't 'gather'.

My mum also annoys me, but I feel more confident in standing up to her. Not only that, but she is very dismissive of my ways or says "gosh, they didn't advise that in my day, how things change!" whereas my MIL will set out to prove that I am wrong or do things deliberately because she knows DH and I wouldn't like it because she is selfish and immature (DH's description, not (only) mine).

It amuses her if her grandchildren do something that their parents wouldn't like.

My mum really doesn't have any issues with my DH. DH is a bit about her, but he doesn't get involved. And he's very diplomatic.

I think it's more to do with the MIL/DIL dynamic because you are both wimmin. Dh reckons all the problems in my family stem from the fact there are too many women and we're all always right! I think he has a point.

I am dreading what my mil will be like when my baby arrives. She already refers to the baby as her baby which I find irritating. I get told off for over worrying we never had this that in my day etc etc as I lost my first pregnancy I am slightly paranoid until this baby arrives safe and sound. I understand the excitement of grandchildren but I think some mil forget they have had their turn and their children why not enjoy grandchildren rather than try and interfere with the bringing up process. Unfortunately like many posters if it was my mum I would say to her but because its mil I bite my tongue out of respect however due to pregnancy and hormones I am becoming increasingly snappy! I have Dh we need to lay ground rules prior to baby arriving with.visiting hopefully then we can avoid any agnst!

Some excellent theories. Its not just mums it sisters and sil too. Its all about someones expectations.
Its all the excitment, people go off and dream up what relationship they will have with the child. Often forgetting it is not fair or realistic to expect to do those things with someone else baby.
I had a terrible time with sil, she went mental. She also did the whole mummy is not looking after you speeches to my child, trying to wake dc when sleeping etc, had many plans for the future. She was kept well away. Its bloody unnerving to have someone like that around after you have given birth.

It all settles down in time, mum just has to make it really clear its her way, her baby.
People need to play fair i have nieces and nephews who i adore but i would never want to overstep the mark.

Cazm,
This is what i would be saying....
its not your baby lol you had your babies this ones well and truely mine! Smile sweetly and say it like you silly billy.

Another fav. Oh bless that you care so much but i have to do this my way, i'm sure that you did.

Start as you mean to go on. You need your husband to understand and support you.
I have had friends who hated mil for ruining mat leave, nip it in he bud now.

It's true - too many many are not bothered about keeping in regular contact with their parents once they set up home with a woman and the MIL will often assume that it is the DIL who has 'stolen' her son and is discouraging him to spend time with them. However, on the flip side, a man who stay svery close to his mother, values her opinion in everything, phones her regularly (in exactly the same way as many young women do with their mothers) is castigated as a spineless mummy's boy who needs to cut the apron strings and learn to put his wife first....

Mothers in general are a bit of a mystery to me - I don't really have much of a relationship with my own, I have a foster mother who drives me a little bit insane most of the time and a MIL who is I get on well with and love but find her a bit hard work sometimes.

With my mum she expects me to be independent (which I pretty much have been since 16) but to add a cultural twist she expects me to do all the work for our relationship eg I should call her and I should go to see her. My parents have never been to my house, we've lived here for nearly 3 years and they have no idea - I don't think they even know my address. I really don't agree with their attitude, culture or no culture so I just said if you want me you know where I am so either you call or I will do it when I get round to it. they still haven't learnt but it doesn't really affect me to be honest.

With my foster mother all I get is moaning or whining from her - she has a very dependent personality which I just can't cope with. I find it hard to deal with her as she basically wont look after herself and refuses to be a grown up and get on with her life. She makes very poor decisions, is bad with money and doesnt take care of her health but expects everyone to baby her and do it for her. Well I love her but she does need to get a grip of herself but I tell her thats my opinion so she knows where I stand.

My MIL is generally my friend - we laugh and joke together and I complain about DH to her because no one understands a mans 'little ways' like his mother but luckily she isn't the type to think her son walks on water so we do have a giggle about things. Our main problem is the fact im so independent and she wants to be helpful. I have no experience of parents who do lots for you so found it really hard to deal with her and found her quite interfering at first. When DH was away with work we were sort of thrown together and so had to work it out - I've come to the realisation that she actually enjoys being called upon to do things that most people hate ie cleaning and laundry. But now I know I find things for her to do and it makes her happy to feel that she is helping and me happy to know that things aren't strained between us.

As for the baby dynamic - I think everyone is well meaning no matter which mother they are but I think as many women 'tend' to be closer to their own mothers MILs just feel worried that they will be second best granny to the kids. To be fair I think my MIL will have the best relationship with my DC out of all my mothers because she will make the most effort to be here doing things plus her housework is immaculate so I know who to call if I ever can't be bothered with it once the baby comes!!

I think the MIL-DIL thing is hard but no harder than any of my other daughter-mother relationships. I'm a very forthright person and if I dont like something or I'm not happy I just tell them - I dont bother going through a 3rd party. Sometimes it hurts their feelings as they usually are just trying to help but i feel it's better to be honest than spend forever feeling resentful over things!!

Now the scary thing is I'm expecting a daughter in a matter of weeks and I keep telling DH that I have no idea how I'm going to cope - practically and financially all is fine but as I have no experience of what a 'normal, happy and reciprocal' relationship with a mother looks like I dread to think what she is going to think of me......I'm just praying she doesn't want to leave home at age 11 like I did!!!

I do not wish to become a granny (connected with my own struggle at turning 60 this year and other stuff) but that is not my decision. When any or all of my 3 DC become parents I will love the LOs I am sure but will not go haywire (whatever that means). Will offer help and support (babysitting, take babe out while his/her mother has a rest for e.g.), start a savings account to save for further education/to give a start on leaving school/towards a deposit on a house. Will go on living my own life, though - working, hill walking, running etc etc. Will definitely not define myself by the granny role. I won't be a granny who is WMD, will be WMD who happens to be a granny (IYSWIM). Each to her own, though. If others love to become completely involved in their DGC's lives on a daily basis (doing all the childcare for eg) and it is a good arrangement for all, that's great. Not good if they feel they must do so, though, against their will.

I think it's equally mothers or mother in laws who find it hard to define their role. I think from my experience the defining factor is whether they had a separate career. For women where raising children was their entire life, it is hard not to interfere. I know if one of my children followed in my footsteps career wise I would be interfering. I would just itch to tell them what was what!

I also found that as my mother-in-law had no job, whereas my mother did, she spent a lot of her life discussing her grandchildren and my mothering skills with her friends. It was not malicious, she just had nothing else to talk about. And then I was confronted with a host of her friends all telling me that the baby was slow and should have done this that or the other, that I shouldn't have gone back to work and that picking a nursery with one Montessori trained teacher showed I was unfeeling (yes really!). Nothing to do with being a mil though, just a lack of other interests.