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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is SIL?

51 replies

Mumof1plustwins · 28/01/2012 22:25

Or is SIL?
I'm peeved off with her for her lack of involvement in my children's lives. She lives 10 minutes away but she may as well live on the other side of the world.
MIL lives abroad but phones 4/5 times a month, DH and I are lucky to hear from SIL twice a year! She never bothers to visit her only niece (5yo) and last year rang me in the evening to say happy birthday to DD and to say she would get her DH to drop of DDs birthday card the next day! Hmm
And it got worse when my twin boys were born, she never phoned to ask when they were due or if we were ok and when she was aware (MIL told her) she didn't even bother to call me until they were over a month old, she saw them once and hasn't seen them since, they'll be 1yrs old in a couple months! Shock
And just before Xmas they were admitted to hospital with bronchilitus, MIL told her but she didn't even text to ask if her nephews were ok!?
She only texts at Xmas to ask if me and DH are coming over (not likely with 3 kids and their dog that they know is NOT child friendly!)
So basically is it 'normal' that she not bother with her brothers family or am I expecting too much from her? She isn't a very busy woman, she spends most her free time at friends houses visiting their babies etc or at home.
I just wanted to ask to see how other people are with their families- this can't be the norm surely? :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/01/2012 22:26

You are telling us how much she gets in touch with you. How often do you instigate the contact yourself?

Original poster
Mumof1plustwins · 28/01/2012 22:29

When I was pregnant with DD I tried to connect with her because I liked her and wanted to bond but she just never reciprocated. We used to go to her house a lot but DH was getting offended that she would never visit us and started to drop visits. I text her after my twins were born to say she could visit anytime and she never even text back. She usually texts her brother and he tells me to text her back.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 28/01/2012 22:30

I'm peeved off with her for her lack of involvement in my children's lives

And she should be involved ... because?

randommoment · 28/01/2012 22:32

I fear she just doesn't like you. Sorry.

Haziedoll · 28/01/2012 22:33

I think it's sad that she didn't see how the twins were after their hospital stay.

I think you should just accept that she isn't a family orientated person.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 28/01/2012 22:36

Why do you expect that she should be interested in your children just because they are children?

If she wasn't a particularly family oriented person before they came along, ther is no reason why she should be now that they are here. Not everyone likes children, and being related doesn't make children any more appealing if you are not a fan already.

YABU.

AgentZigzag · 28/01/2012 22:36

I don't have that much to do with my SIL if I can possibly help it

Some people are socialble, and she doesn't sound that way inclined.

I wouldn't take it personally, sometimes family relationships don't turn out the way you think they should, but most of the time there's precious little you can do about it.

Just get on with you life with the people who love and care about you, they're the ones who really matter Smile

Gumby · 28/01/2012 22:39

I'd have thought it's more for your dh to feel upset about his sister

I love all my family but I ring my 3 siblings & arrange to see them, I don't expect dh to

Original poster
Mumof1plustwins · 28/01/2012 22:39

Thanks AgentZigzag, guess I expected too much. Smile

OP posts:
bushymcbush · 28/01/2012 22:39

I think it's unusual to be so distant, but it is entirely her perogative.

Gumby · 28/01/2012 22:40

I don't ring my sil or my two bils & arrange visits etc , I arrange it all with my siblings

troisgarcons · 28/01/2012 22:42

TBH - BIL used to live 5 doors away - I was unlucky if I saw him twice a year. Suited me. If I see my brothers brat offspring once a decade I consider it a rather unfortunate experience.

I love my brother. I love his grandchildren. I just dislike my nephew. As does everyone else. I cant stand my BIL. Thats unanimous in the area. So it's not me.

bushymcbush · 28/01/2012 22:42

I don't understand why her brother doesn't reply to her texts himself. If my brother didn't rePly to my texts and made his wife do it, I would be hurt.

squeakytoy · 28/01/2012 22:42

She usually texts her brother and he tells me to text her back.

Sounds like a lack of proper communication all round to me.

Texts are shit way for family to speak to each other. Pick up a phone, speak to people. If she texts her brother, and he then tells you to reply, thats incredibly rude of him, and I wonder if her lack of interest is because of his attitude.

NatashaBee · 28/01/2012 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosie0000 · 28/01/2012 22:43

I think YANBU. She sounds a lot like my SIL. Do you think she might be jealous of you and DH? Does she have children of her own?

I think Agentzigzag has the right idea-'Just get on with you life with the people who love and care about you, they're the ones who really matter'

RevoltingPeasant · 28/01/2012 22:44

Does SiL not have children herself? Sounds like not?

Maybe she is not a family person - is there history between her and DH? Maybe she doesn't like children and will be more interested in yours when they are older.

Also, look, don't take this the wrong way - really, don't - but I wonder if she finds the whole thing a bit... tedious? I am massively projecting here, but as a childfree person for many years I was just not that fussed about other people's DC. The fact that your username is mumof1plustwins suggests that you are very wrapped up in your children. Which is great - but - not everyone will be.

tbh I find people with babyheads on very difficult to talk to. We just don't have common ground in general. And I also get resentful of the idea that because I'm a woman I'm supposed to be interested in other people's children. Why aren't you equally annoyed about the DH who is their uncle?

Also some of the stuff you are saying does not sound that bad - what is wrong with calling on her niece's bday and promising to drop a card round as soon as? Confused Did you think she should've rushed home from work with a big gift?

RitaMorgan · 28/01/2012 22:46

I think you just have to accept that she isn't interested in a relationship with your family.

I would be devestated if my siblings weren't interested in DS, but we are a close family so it is different. Sounds like your DH and his sister don't have much of a relationship?

RevoltingPeasant · 28/01/2012 22:46

I forgot my 3yo niece's birthday this year, which probably makes me a dreadful person Blush

Kladdkaka · 28/01/2012 22:48

Sounds pretty normal to me. But then I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers and in the last 10 years I've probably spent more time with my dentist than with all their kids put together.

Original poster
Mumof1plustwins · 28/01/2012 22:49

She's older, has 2 sons. Theirs 15 months between DH and SIL and I suspect jealousy because MIL said she was jealous when he was born and I also suspect their rivalry between them but DH just says he doesn't think so and moves on. I know why it bothers me so much - because my parents died when I was young and have no other family so to me family is important.
As for the texts, he usually texts her himself unless the conversation involves me or the kids

OP posts:
wherearemysocks · 28/01/2012 22:49

Sometimes I feel that my in-laws couldn't give two shits about my 2 dcs but I've got over it. I'm fortunate enough that my family and friends more than make up for it though.

Whilst yanbu to be upset, its not worth it. Move on, let her live her life and you live yours.

Original poster
Mumof1plustwins · 28/01/2012 22:53

SILs husband has stated I front of SIL and me (and the kids) that SILs family are not his family (I'm his words 'those aren't my nephews/niece, their SILs' or he'll call DH his wife's brother rather than say BIL) so he we know is not family orientated (well only for his own)

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 28/01/2012 22:55

Ah that's a bit different if she has children.

I don't know, honestly, this is not nice so sorry, but maybe she is just not that keen on you or DH or your children? Sad I am lucky in that I like all my DSisses' partners but if I didn't I wonder if I might drift apart from that sibling...

Original poster
Mumof1plustwins · 28/01/2012 22:55

Oops too many typos there!
I will move on but just wanted to gauge what other people were like with their family

OP posts:
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