Or is SIL?

[Mumof1plustwins]

Or is SIL?
I'm peeved off with her for her lack of involvement in my children's lives. She lives 10 minutes away but she may as well live on the other side of the world.
MIL lives abroad but phones 4/5 times a month, DH and I are lucky to hear from SIL twice a year! She never bothers to visit her only niece (5yo) and last year rang me in the evening to say happy birthday to DD and to say she would get her DH to drop of DDs birthday card the next day!
And it got worse when my twin boys were born, she never phoned to ask when they were due or if we were ok and when she was aware (MIL told her) she didn't even bother to call me until they were over a month old, she saw them once and hasn't seen them since, they'll be 1yrs old in a couple months!
And just before Xmas they were admitted to hospital with bronchilitus, MIL told her but she didn't even text to ask if her nephews were ok!?
She only texts at Xmas to ask if me and DH are coming over (not likely with 3 kids and their dog that they know is NOT child friendly!)
So basically is it 'normal' that she not bother with her brothers family or am I expecting too much from her? She isn't a very busy woman, she spends most her free time at friends houses visiting their babies etc or at home.
I just wanted to ask to see how other people are with their families- this can't be the norm surely? :(

Mum for what it's worth I often feel rather distant from my SiL who is very into her children because I feel like she's not interested in anything else. Have ever tried talking to her 'for her' iyswim rather than about DC?

But yes, agree it is sad, just playing devil's advocate really. Sorry x

You think she's jealous of your husband because she was when she was a toddler and he was a baby? Did I get that right?

As unhappy as it may be you just have to accept that some people just aren't into other people's kids, even if they are related to them. Just because she has her own older kids doesn't mean that she necessarily is interested in someone else's younger ones.

My stepchildren are all adults, and are fairly close to each other. They go round for dinner to each others houses, socialise together, and are in regular contact, so your situation does sound unusual to me.

To be honest, any 15month old would be jealous of a younger sibling but that doesnt often stay for life, and most kids would end up having a close relationship as they got older. Sadly though it doesnt sound like your husband and his sister have that. It seems a shame that your children are not getting to know their cousins either.

Your SILs husband may not feel close as he isnt a blood relative, but his children are blood relatives to your kids.

Why on earth should she have any interest in your kids? They are probably incredibly boring to her and she has never given it a second thought. I have never paid any attention to anybody else's babies, related or not. I love my own but she's different.

Your parents dying when you were young must make a difference here OP.

It's understandable then if you're placing importance on what family your DC have contact with.

Plus it's pretty shitty when you think they're rejecting you and your DC.

Sounds like her husband is the one with the problem here, and I wouldnt be surprised if he was behind this.

When we used to travel to hers I would ask her about her job, found out she likes knitting, told her I do it too but nothing.
I suspect she doesn't like me to be honest, DH did say she was abit like this with his ex too...I wouldn't have guessed because apparently their friends now DH and ex have split??! She never backs her brother up and he's generally looked upon as the bad sheep whilst to MIL, The sun shines out of SILs backside.
I think it's just one of those things

She probably has limited time and other friends she'd rather see in that time. Sorry if that offends but it's the most likely explanation.

How long has she been with her husband? Does he get on with your husband?

Perhaps you could speak to your SIL and mention how you feel (that family is important to you because you grew up with none)?

If she is not willing to put aside this rivalry for the sake of her and your children, then perhaps you could concentrate your own friends who have children?

I don't know if surrogate cousins are the same as the real thing as my DC don't have any cousins! For us, this works, though.

You could always just ring her up, ask her if she wants to meet up for a coffee perhaps?

No our husbands (quietly) hate eachother. They've been married years but DH never liked SILs DH. I think DH dislikes him because he gambles and often takes from his own children + hes worried he will go after any assets when their parents pass.

Well I think we are getting to the bottom of it now to be honest. :(

Her husband doesnt want her round at yours, in case she lets slip what a twat he is (and he certainly sounds like one).

Ring her.. it sounds like she could do with a friend actually.

I have called her to meet for a coffee but she never got back to me.
She always defends her DH or shell just say 'hmm' and move on. DH has constantly told her what a twat her hubby is but shes sticking with him. I think she had the attitude that shes made her bed and now she'll lie in it.

Oh, gees. Well, I see my own sisters roughly once, maybe twice a year. One sister has a DD, one has a DS - I love them very much & would love to see more of them but my sisters & I just, quite simply, do not get on. Being related does not make you friends.

In contrast, DH & I get on brilliantly with his two sisters and see them very regularly.

Her dh may well be a twat, but if she loves him and wants to be with him, then she will defend him. Why would she want to spend time with the people that think so little of the person she loves?

If your dh isn't willing to put aside his feelings about the dh in order to have a good relationship with his sister, and if he can't even be bothered to answer her texts himself, why would she go out of her way to be interested in his children?

If your husband hates your BIL then the two families are never going to be great friends. You have one good reason why the 2 families don't see alot of each other. You seem to be expecting your SIL to be interested in your kids in a way you don't expect her husband to be, I do find that a bit sexist.
I like seeing my nephews but I mainly go to visit my brother and his wife. If the adults didn't get on I suspect I'd see alot less of my nephews.
I'd leave her and find someone who likes you and your kids. As an adult I rarely see my cousins anyway, so I don't think in the long run your kids seeing their cousins matters that much.

If your husband constantly tells her what a twat her husband is, then thats probably another reason you dont see much of her. Your husband isnt coming out of this in a great light either if he ignores her texts and tells you to deal with it etc..

From what you are saying, I dont think there is ever going to be a close family relationship between you all. Her husband hates yours.. yours hates hers, and she has a fraught relationship with her brother. None of this is your fault, but I dont think there is much you can do to build any bridges here either.

If she ever dumps the husband, there is a chance, but until then, I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that you wont be able to have a close relationship with her. It sounds like she is stuck in a crap marriage, and has no choice to either defend her husband because going against him wouldnt really do her much good, or avoid coming round because she knows that your husband will be on her case about how shit her husband is.

I'm not being sexist! Her husband pretty much hates SILs family so I expect nothing from him.

Anyway guess this is one problem I just have to brush aside, thanks for commenting

I can completely see where you are coming from. I have no siblings, both my parents are dead, and my only cousins are miles away, and we arent close, so my family is my husband, my stepkids, and my MIL. My husband has no siblings either so we are a very small family really.

She's got two sons, how involved are you and your DH in their lives?

I think you're being unrealistic about this. She's had her family, she's done her own "little kids" stuff, her DH isn't fussed about family and it just sounds like they are busy living their own lives. Maybe she doesn't feel she has much in common with her brother. If he doesn't bother replying to her texts, and gets you to call her, I'm not surprised. But it's not unusual for brothers and sisters to have a fairly remote relationship - and I very much doubt she is still jealous of him after all these years!

Lots of people find family rather tedious, and feel that a couple of visits a year is more than enough. You're only required to keep in touch, not live in each other's pockets. Lots of people also feel that other peoples' kids are pretty ghastly, family or not.

I don't even know why you imagined she would want to "get involved" in your kids' lives - she's their aunt, she has kids of her own! Why would she?

I don't even know why you imagined she would want to "get involved" in your kids' lives - she's their aunt, she has kids of her own! Why would she?

In my world it is quite normal for aunts to have a reasonable involvement in their nephew and nieces lives.. and for cousins to know each other quite well. That is certainly the case for everyone in our family.

Oh right - so she's friends with your DH's ex, and you and your DH are constantly criticisng her husband.

No, I'm blowed if I can see the problem...

But squeaky, OP hasn't even mentioned her two nephews except in passing.

Tbh, Some people just aren't into families and perhaps you are expecting too much? It sounds like you have an 'ideal' family that you'd like to have, but all too often, real families are not like that. Lots of families are not really that close, and I think for many that's just the way it is.

Like you, when my DD was taken into hospital for a rushed but minor operation at only a year old, not one of my ILs phoned to see how she was. Mind you, when she was born, half my ILs didn't even acknowledge her birth - not even a text to dh to say well done. That's just the way they are. Some people are quite self centered and don't care beyond their own lives. However, I wouldn't get stressed about it - instead, focus on building your own surrogate family. We have.

Last year, my DD1 was asked (at school) to design a wheel of her family, layering them from the family she sees most often to those she see the least. She didn't put on her 'real' family (grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) but instead put on our friends who she refers to as 'auntie' and 'uncle'. She considers these people to be their aunt and uncle far more than her actual aunt and uncle and I know that they put far more effort / show more interest in her life. I trust that they would be there for her far more.My Dds are far more secure in their relationships with these people, blood is not always thicker than water.

I have the same from my childhood. I have my real aunt and uncle, and then my parents friends (who I still call aunt and uncle). To this day, if I were in need I would go to my surrogate aunt and uncle before I would ask my genuine aunt and uncle for help.

I used to be like you and make the effort on behalf of my DH, but had an epiphany moment years ago and wondered why I was trying to bridge the gap between DH and his family, given neither DH nor his family seemed that bothered about meeting up. I stopped trying, and decided to let Dh take responsibility for his family. Needless to say, he barely sees them - but that's his choice / problem. I focus on my family and the 'family' we have built with friends and we're all much happier for it .