Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to wonder how illness counts in a fair division of labour?

43 replies

fairsfair · 28/01/2012 15:12

OK, I think the MN opinion is that it's OK for a DH to go on a stag night / out for a drink / game of golf etc as long as the DW gets an equivalent "treat" (hen weekend / night out / shopping etc).

But how do you allow for illness?

DH is in bed. He has been ill for the last couple of days, dragged himself into work yesterday but looks like he'll be in bed all day today and prob tomorrow too. He's genuinely ill - temperature etc. So I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, looking after 3 kids (swimming lessons, bath/bedtime etc etc) for the weekend. Next weekend, it would be nice for me to have a bit of a break while DH holds the fort. But AIBU to think I deserve that? After all, he hasn't been out having fun, he's been in bed feeling like death.

MN jury??

OP posts:

Lueji · 28/01/2012 15:20

I would just expect him to do the same when you are I'll.

Nixea · 28/01/2012 15:20

YABU. Sounds like you're keeping a score. Surely if one of you is ill the other would happily do the lions share until that person feels better without it having to be done as a favour. Very odd.

Lueji · 28/01/2012 15:20

Ups, ill.

Stupid iPod.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 28/01/2012 15:22

Agree that the reciprocal element here is that he does the same for you when you are ill. Doesn't really sound fair to do what you are proposing ...

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2012 15:22

I agree with Lueji

It's always nice to have a bit of a break, but surely you'd want that any weekend and not just because your DH has been ill?

I mean, it would be unfair to make him feel guilty about being ill and have to point out that it meant you had to do a bit more for your family.

ballstoit · 28/01/2012 15:23

YABU.

Illness is not a choice. If a woman had morning sickness would it be okay for her partner to keep a record of the days she didn't pull her weight and expect the time back for him to have fun?

TBH I feel a bit sad reading your post, if you really keep score in this way. What sort of a relationship is that?

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2012 15:23

At the very least, no point scoring, it wouldn't hurt for you to have a lie-in or a couple of hours 'off' next weekend.

Shakirasma · 28/01/2012 15:23

YABU

You don't keep score over something like this. As long as he looks after the kids when you are ill, that is just normal give and take.

In fact I don't agree with tit for tat over nights or days out either. You do what you want and he does what he wants as long as neither takes the piss!

Original poster

fairsfair · 28/01/2012 15:25

Hmmm it seems so far that IABU. Fair enough. Sigh. Back to the grindstone!

OP posts:

nickelhasababy · 28/01/2012 15:26

sorry dearie.

But yes, when you're ill, he should look after you.
that's your "fair and fair"

Bogeyface · 28/01/2012 15:36

I would be thinking the same as you OP! But thats because when DH is ill (v v rare) he takes to his bed and I get one with it, so far so good. But when I am ill he refuses point blank to take a day off work unless I am actually in hospital and I still have to get on with it. He says its because very often he is the only person working that day and he cant get cover.

It is a huge bone of contention, and one that I cant see getting resolved anytime soon as his unit is still massively understaffed and there is no emergency cover in place (which it is his job to organise).

Original poster

fairsfair · 28/01/2012 15:56

Exactly Bogeyface - he'd never take a day off work if I was ill! I am SAHM and would just have to cope (unless it was the weekend obviously).

OP posts:

PocPoc · 28/01/2012 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

attheendoftheday · 28/01/2012 19:35

Sorry but I think YABU. When one partner is ill, the other has to hold the fort, when they're better you go back to 50:50.

OrmIrian · 28/01/2012 19:38

When you get sick, you can have 'a bit of a break'. FFS! Sorry but you do sound a bit selfish.

Bogeyface · 28/01/2012 20:56

attheend But what if the other partner doesnt hold the fort and leaves it to the sick one, but expects the fort to be held when they are ill?

Even if its 50:50 the rest of the time, it isnt fair is it?

Lueji · 28/01/2012 21:52

He did drag himself to work and you are taking care of him and things over the weekend.

attheendoftheday · 28/01/2012 22:25

Then I'd be having serious words with the non-fort-holding partner!
I'd either want them to accept they need to step up when I'm ill or that I won't be doing it for them. To be honest, I'd be shocked if my partner didn't help out when I was ill.

It's maybe a bit different when one partner's working, if they can't take time off to help out (and if you're ill but not ill to the point you physically can't watch the kids) then I supose the ill partner has to manage the best they can during the daytime doing the bare minimum and the well partner take up the slack when they get home.

That's my theory, anyway.

Bogeyface · 29/01/2012 01:08

I was so ill that I couldnt move out of bed, this is a literal description. He said he had to go to work and that I would "manage".

I didnt. I rang school and said the kids wouldnt be in because I couldnt get them there, gave the oldest (9) a list of what they could help themselves too and asked her to make their lunch.

THey watched TV and played all day (tbh, not sure what they did) until he got back when he ordered in. He was v apologetic, said he hadnt realised how bad I was, wouldnt leave me like that again, blah blah.
Until the next time, when I was PG and he did leave me, worse than that.

What should I have done? Apart from "leave the bastard"? (working on that.........)

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 29/01/2012 01:16

OP you're a right meanie.

Take him up a lemsip.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 29/01/2012 11:32

Where does "fair" and "deserve" come into it? He is your husband, you are a team. Surely if one of you is ill, the other one does what needs to be doing without thought of the "reward" they "deserve" or "oh this is not fair he can do XYZ next week because I'm doing this now" What kind of relationship do you have? Did you draw up a formal contract too? God forbid either of you is ever seriously ill and even more, God forbid it's your DH! who knows what would happen if he had to rely on you to look after him - you'd be making a list of the treats he owed you - just bill him why don't you...

attheendoftheday · 29/01/2012 15:13

That sounds awful bogeyface.

Xanadudoo · 29/01/2012 15:14

When one of us are ill, we are ill. There isnt any 'payback'. Normal service is interrupted and the other party just has to bloody well get on with it.

ComposHat · 29/01/2012 19:35

I hope the op's husband never goes into a coma, he'll have 5 years of uninterrupted childcare to face when he comes round, while the op enjoys half a decade of unalloyed drinking, eating and general leisure.

samandi · 29/01/2012 20:24

YABU, obviously. When your partner is ill you look after them, you don't start planning how they can repay you. Presume you are joking but what a repulsive attitude. Urgh.

Flip

1 2