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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how illness counts in a fair division of labour?

43 replies

fairsfair · 28/01/2012 15:12

OK, I think the MN opinion is that it's OK for a DH to go on a stag night / out for a drink / game of golf etc as long as the DW gets an equivalent "treat" (hen weekend / night out / shopping etc).

But how do you allow for illness?

DH is in bed. He has been ill for the last couple of days, dragged himself into work yesterday but looks like he'll be in bed all day today and prob tomorrow too. He's genuinely ill - temperature etc. So I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, looking after 3 kids (swimming lessons, bath/bedtime etc etc) for the weekend. Next weekend, it would be nice for me to have a bit of a break while DH holds the fort. But AIBU to think I deserve that? After all, he hasn't been out having fun, he's been in bed feeling like death.

MN jury??

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 29/01/2012 22:25

Well I'm sure he will look after you when you are ill next. I do however think you should get a long afternoon off as I can imagine you have been overwhelmed

skybluepearl · 29/01/2012 22:29

The thing that gets me is that when DH is ill, I do everything and look after him whilst he rests in bed. When I'm ill I still have to look after the kids (baby to 8 year old), cook for them and make arrangements with friends in relation to transporting them to play group/school/clubs etc. How I long to stay in bed and recover.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/01/2012 22:33

Like others have said, I would just expect him to do the same for you when you're ill.

bogeyface my DH is the same if I'm ill. When my youngest was 2 weeks old I had severe mastitis with a raging temperature and couldn't move out of bed. He went off to work saying I'd be fine and left me with a 2 week old, 4 year old and 10 year old to look after. It was the summer holidays so no school and luckily the 10 year old was fantastic that day and helped me loads.

Another time when the 3 DC and I all had a nasty stomach bug/flu he went off to do his hobby with his friends and left me alone, unable to get out of bed, with 3 puking children. Then sulked for days. Until he got the bug, and expected to be waited on hand and foot!

Lueji · 29/01/2012 22:37

How I long to stay in bed and recover.

Just do it.

Sometimes we are our worst enemy.

Bogeyface · 29/01/2012 22:45

How I long to stay in bed and recover.

Just do it.

Sometimes we are our worst enemy.

How? When you have an 8 month old baby who needs feeding and entertaining and the OH has spent his 3 days in bed and has fucked off back to work leaving you to it? I had the most awful flu and this is exactly what he did to me (with a pre-schooler actually but still). How exactly are women like and the others who get this crap, supposed to "just do it"?

I am asking a serious question because if there is a way then Iw ould love to hear it! Oh and bear in mind that occasionally a child will be ill too if it is a bug that is going round!

CardyMow · 29/01/2012 22:46

Fair would be HIM taking over when you are (properly) ill. Taking time off work, doing all the housework and childcare etc so YOU can rest and recuperate. That would be the reciprocal arrangement IMO - ALL parents with young dc are entitled to parental leave. My Ex-P used to use THAT when I was ill and insisited. If HE takes a day off in bed when he is (properly) ill, then so do you. Parental leave. He is entitled to it - and if it is being used to care for his dc when their usual carer is sick - then that is basically what it is meant to be for. No employer can discipline an employee for taking Parental leave. If they do - they would be buggered at tribunal!

CardyMow · 29/01/2012 22:47

Bogeyface - he should have used parental leave as the main carer for his dc was sick.

Bogeyface · 29/01/2012 22:47

Hex I am sure they say "you'll be fine" so they can convince themselves that they are not being bastards despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/01/2012 22:49

I totally agree bogeyface

My DH has also been known to try to argue with me that I'm not ill. That was the time when he went off to do his hobby when the kids and I were ill. We very nearly split up over it, I don't think he'd dare say it or do anything quite that bad again as I made my feelings very clear about it.

Bogeyface · 29/01/2012 22:50

I totally agree Hunty but I (and the others) cant exactly force our OHs to stay at home can we?

However, I no longer do ANYTHING for him if he is ill. He does nothing for me when I am ill so..... He said I was being horrible once when I wouldnt go and get him some OJ until I pointed out that when I was pg (only a couple of months earlier) with severe mobility problems he left me to do the school crawl run that normally takes 10 minutes total, with me and my zimmer because I couldnt use the wheelchair on my own. I then told him to fuck himself :o

Lueji · 29/01/2012 22:52

OH's should be told that if they leave then don't bother come back.

Either we accept that we need the OH's to go to work (salary, not losing jobs), or, if we think it's unfair, then tell them in no uncertain terms.

CardyMow · 29/01/2012 22:53

In fact - if I was that ill (and have been), and my partner (Ex in this case) HADN'T taken time off work, then I would have given them short shrift the next time THEY were ill. Either BOTH adults accept that when one is ill, they do ALL the housework and childcare while the other rests and recuperates, or NEITHER. In fact, when I had my last serious seizure, I had already split up with my Ex-P - and he STILL took a day off work as parental leave to look after the dc's. And he's a twunt, my Ex. But he still knows that he has a responsibility to his DC to make sure that there is someone with them who is capable of caring for them. Which I wasn't, that day.

Bogeyface · 29/01/2012 22:54

I should add that he had a bad cold and cough, hardly enough to stop him walking the 5 minutes to the shop and the fresh air would probably have done him good. Dont know for sure though because our consumptive heroine stayed in bed and went without! I now refer to him (sotto voce, of course) as Jane Bennet :o

CardyMow · 29/01/2012 22:54

How's your 'plan' going, Bogey? (PM me if you need to vent)

CardyMow · 29/01/2012 22:56

Lueji - PARENTAL LEAVE. Will NOT make the OH's lose their job. It would be a breach of employment law for them to be sacked for taking urgent parental leave. OK, so you may lose a day's pay, as it's unpaid. But you will get the chance to properly recover. IMO health is more important than wealth. And being treated equally by your partner is VERY important...

Bogeyface · 29/01/2012 22:58

Thanks Hunty. Plan is pretty much in place, we shall just wait and see whether I need it or not. :)

Lueji · 29/01/2012 23:04

Lueji - PARENTAL LEAVE. Will NOT make the OH's lose their job.

Did I say it did?

I only noted that some couples may have good reasons for a working partner to go to work while the other is ill at home.
And accommodating for pps not in the uk.

mrspepperpotty · 30/01/2012 07:48

Attheendoftheday, I'm not sure what you mean by "the well partner take up the slack when they get home" - by then the kids are asleep and all the hard work is done!?!

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