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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 2.5yr old cry it out tonight

44 replies

lecce · 28/01/2012 13:54

He has never slept through. He currently goes to bed at 7 on the bottom bunk in ds1's room and when he wakes (could be anytime between 10-12) I bring him to our bed where he spends the rest of the night bf, sleeping right on top of me, squeezing, pummeling, scratching my boobs. Not surprisingly, I get very little sleep.

I am a f/t teacher and have to be up at 5.30 everyday. Dh is sahd and has MS. Usually he is 100% fit but he has been having an attack for the last 2 weeks meaning that he is very tired and does not have full use of one of his legs and arms. We have had family up to help with childcare but the housework that dh would normally do (pretty much all of it!) has, understandably not been done. The house is a shithole, basically. Even doing a minimum to maintain basic cleanliness will take all day. Every jigsaw we own is in bits all over the sitting-room floor, the ktchen has not been touched, other than cooking and washing up, all week, the bathroom is a tip. We have a dog to walk, rabbits to clean out and I really need to do some school work as well.

The dc have spent the last 2 weeks watching telly constantly (though ds1 is at school) and I really need to give them some decent attention as well.

I am so shattered I can't think straight but I really can't keep up this sleeping system. I honestly do believe he will eventually grow out of it but I don't think I can go on with it much longer. I really did try last summer and did not feed at night for three weeks but just comforted him in his own bed. The crying never got any less over that whole period and it pretty much ruined the summer as I didn't really sleep for half of it.

If I just leave him to cry it out will he eventually sleep? Is it horribly cruel? is there anything else I could try?

Sorry for the essay and thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 28/01/2012 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zumm · 28/01/2012 14:00

Ah you poor thing. No clear advice since not had your issue - can anyone out there recommend a book for OP? There must be other ways rather than just leaving him to cry - which you don't sound keen on anyway. Good luck!

troisgarcons · 28/01/2012 14:00

Won't a screaming toddler keep your DS1 aqake? Thats not fair either.

zumm · 28/01/2012 14:01

Sorry Casette = x posted = this wasn't a dig at your approach!

EirikurNoromaour · 28/01/2012 14:02

Have you tried the usual back to bed solutions? I think before leaving him to cry, if he is used to coming into your bed, you need to work on getting him used to spending all night in his bed. This means s bit of effort but is kinder and easier than leaving him to cry, especially if he will disturb his brother. I don't know how you would even leave a 2yo in a proper bed to cry it out? Won't he be up and out of his bedroom anyway?

EirikurNoromaour · 28/01/2012 14:03

Training him to stay in bed will certainly involve some crying but it's not the same as just leaving him to cry.

Iggly · 28/01/2012 14:07

You can tell him to stay in bed then enforce it at night. Sleep in his room if you must, but give him water then keep putting him back. He should be old enough to understand? It'll be tough and tiring but leaving him to cry will be harder IMO.

Bobyan · 28/01/2012 14:08

Stop breastfeeding him at night, at his age he doesn't need it. Just keep returning him to bed, don't engage h

Bobyan · 28/01/2012 14:09

...him (sorry blOody) phone.

Original poster
lecce · 28/01/2012 14:17

Thank you. I know you are all right so it looks like we'll have to struggle on as we are. Sad. There is no way I can deal with getting in and out of bed all night at the moment.

Does any one have any encouraging words about older children who started sleeping through ? I am in pieces here and getting up multiple times through the night would, I honestly think, finish me off, so that only leaves waiting it out.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 28/01/2012 14:19

Oh it's tough but in a way his age may be an advantage here, because you can explain things to him. Can you do it in stages? Say that it's one bf only at night. Give it to him when he wakes and then cover up. Tell him he can stay in your bed but only if he goes to sleep quietly if not he will be moved back to his own bed. If you can get him co sleeping whereby he is not lying on you/feeding constantly/attacking your boobs then this would be a good transition phase. You can then move to sharing his bed after the feed for a couple of nights when he wakes, slipping out after he falls asleep and then sitting beside bed etc until he stays there himself.bthat would be what I'd try. Good luck

PurplePidjin · 28/01/2012 14:22

Could you have him on a mattress on the floor in your room, or sleep on one in the kids' room? That way you're still nearby but it's less effort than getting out of a warm bed

EirikurNoromaour · 28/01/2012 14:22

It should only take a few nights, he's in a pattern of waking up, if he gets no reward from it he'll stop bothering to get out of bed, then he will stop waking up. Yes it is effort but so are lots of aspects of parenting. Or you could just carry on as you are indefinitely...

maybenow · 28/01/2012 14:24

it sounds like this is not time for 'training' this is time for a crisis solution that gets you the most sleep possible for now..

so i'd say you need to be sleeping in the same room as your DS but not the same bed... either get him a travel bed in your room or you go to his. feed him then seperate him off you so you can both go back to sleep properly.

sleep 'train' once you're feeling stronger and less exhausted. it doesn't sound like your strong enough right now to see it through properly.

Heswall · 28/01/2012 14:27

I went away for the weekend my my DD was 2.5 and when i came back we just didn't have any more milk, all gone, she understood.
After that i let her co sleep but without the BF it was ok. At 3 she went into her own bed and was ready for it. All nice and gently done.
I really don't think you can go from BF in mums bed to being left to cry without a traumatic experience.

VillaEphrussi · 28/01/2012 14:35

Encouraging words... yes... my ds had never slept through before he was three. He started nursery year at school after his third birthday, and that's it - from then on he's slept through on most nights Smile He was having physically tiring and varied days with me and his dd before then, but I think there must be something about the adrenaline of being in a nursery setting which wipes him out now.

I hope this is encouraging. And I hope it gets better for you soon.

VillaEphrussi · 28/01/2012 14:36

I'd agree with Heswall on her last post.

Original poster
lecce · 28/01/2012 14:39

Sleeping in his room may be an option, yes, though I have tried it before, as I said in my OP. Erik I really don't think it will only take a few nights as, as I said in my OP, I have gone 3 weeks without feeding him at night and he cried off and on all night for the entire three weeks. There. Was. No. Progress. At. All. That was why I gave up on it. I am all too aware that many aspects of parenting, and indeed life in general, require effort, thanks. It is not laziness that has got me here.

Every school holidays he spends a night or two without me at in-laws and is not fed at night. Doesn't stop him starting it up again when he's back with me, though.

I think I will try again with the matress on his floor (ds1 seems to sleep through anything, or he could go in with dh for a couple of nights, if needed.)

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 28/01/2012 14:50

The no cry sleep solution woman has a book for toddlers www.amazon.co.uk/No-Cry-Sleep-Solution-Toddlers-Preschoolers/dp/0071444912/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327762166&sr=8-1, don't know if it is any good as I've not read it yet but may be worth thinking about for the future.

Also, my FF neice didn't sleep through until she was about 3 1/2, she wandered into her parents room most nights. They tried cry it out, she screamed until she made herself sick for 4 nights in a row so they gave up. My DS said it just clicked into place, so not much help I'm afraid.

noblegiraffe · 28/01/2012 14:54

Could you try keeping him in your room on his own bed till half term, then tackle the transition to keeping him in his own bed?

AllPurple · 28/01/2012 14:55

You poor thing, your plate is totally full!! Sleep is not ever straightforward, and all children and households are a little different. Advice is never easy either, as what works for one child/family won't necessarily work for the next. As your little one's routine is to sleep in your bed, a new routine needs to be formed, which (as you know) will take a bit of time. You're saying that you're totally exhausted right now, so I'm just wondering if there is an opportunity for you to for example have your toddler sleep at your in-laws for a couple of nights (now or in the near future)? To start helping him create a new routine you need a bit more energy and feel optimistic about it eventually working....
If you can, great. Either way, remember before you set off starting something new that you talk to him about it first. He will understand you at this age, and try to pick a time when things are calm, and not AT bedtime. He needs a bit of time to process it, and talk about it if he is going to. He needs to be part of the plan, and feel there is something positive in it for him. Oh - and that he's at least making some of the decision! (Toddlers need to feel in control). Explain what the new plan will look like - e.g. once the sun has gone down and it's night time, your very best sleep and greatest dreams will be when you're in your own bed and I'm in mine. I know you're used to get up and come in to my bed, but I will now help you get back to your own room and kiss you goodnight when you come to see me. (sorry, just quick example, you would find your own way and words of course. you know your son best and what works for him).
Can you have something in his room that he can talk to and play with and help him get back to sleep when he wakes in the night? This can be part of his new routine, e.g. a favourite cuddly toy to help cuddle him back to sleep, or make a soft fabric photo album with pictures of you and others close to him - that he can look at and say goodnight to and then drift back to sleep?
Also, it's a good idea to agree with him beforehand that after dark, when he wakes in the night, you won't talk to him because it's sleepy time. And stick to this at night - e.g. just walk him gently back to his room, tuck him in, give him a kiss, and if you use words use the same ones every time (e.g. night night or sleep tight) - nothing else. Any interaction is a reward.
I do believe in proceeding in stages rather than trying for a massive over-night overhaul (e.g. suddenly trying to let him cry it out). Any habit change needs a bit of time, and if he is part of the plan for change he is more likely to get behind it.
Sorry, very very long message. Wishing you more peaceful nights soon to come. x

BranchingOut · 28/01/2012 14:58

Just to tell you that I have a 2.4 year old who is still happily bf, so you know that I am not dissimilar to you in parenting approach.

What happens if you try to get him back to sleep in his bed, without bringing him out? How does he get to sleep at the start of the night? Can that be reproduced when he wakes up?

Just a few ideas:

Thirst - does he have enough to drink before going to bed. Big cup of cows' milk before the bf? What about a sippy cup of water beside his bed?

Warmth - I have noticed that being too cold is often a cue for night waking.

Comfort - is his mattress actually comfortable?

Disturbance - is anything happening at that time that might be disturbing him?

Self soothing - is there anything that would help him to re-soothe? I have heard of some toys with a glow-thing or mini projector in their tummy. Children can press it and then it will go on for a certain amount of time, before fading.

I think that you being on the floor on a mattress might help for a bit. As soon as he wakes, soothe him by bf, patting, rolling him over, whatever, but keep him in the bed. Preferably, try to do it swiftly enough so that he doesn't fully wake up.

I found this CD really useful. It helped my son transition from feeding to sleep on my lap to sleeping in his own bed! Albeit still helped to sleep by me..:)

CD

I am a big fan of the 'No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers'. Loads of ideas to suit every style.

AllPurple · 28/01/2012 14:59

P.S. Have you tried the Gro' Clock? My 2.5 year old daughter likes it, and knows that when the stars are still out and the sun is sleeping it's still night time. When the sun comes up it's time to come in for a cuddle in the morning. This doesn't always work of course, e.g. if she has a dirty nappy or something else is up. But it can be a good device at this age. Gives them a sense of time without knowing how to tell the time.

mamababa · 28/01/2012 15:01

Buy the book Toddler Taming. Great crying it out technique. Worked for us.

Heswall · 28/01/2012 15:06

Toddler taming is fucking awful, isn't that the one where he recommends tying the door handle ?

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