Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should DH meet his half-brother?

34 replies

SettleADebate · 28/01/2012 09:17

Grateful if you could help settle a debate between me and DH.

DH's parents (a whole other thread in their own right) are separated. The split was very acrimonious and hard on DH and his siblings, despite being adults when it happened. PiL are now close friends again, although still estranged.

During the split's nastiest point, DH was told by his FiL that he has a half-brother from FiL's
previous marriage. DH knew nothing of this or of the previous marriage before. FiL left his other son's mother when he was a child and has had no contact since, apart from one meeting some years ago that was unsuccessful.

Since then, the brother has tried to make contact with DH and his siblings. DH has not engaged but his siblings have met him. They said he is very pleasant, has no agenda or score to settle re their father and just wants to
meet his brothers and sisters.

DH is reluctant to meet him. Says he finds the whole 'having a surprise brother' thing difficult
to accept. He knows his dad behaved appallingly, abandoning his brother and keeping him a secret, but still feels some loyalty to him (and FiL would prefer no-one met him).

I think DH should meet his brother. The brother has been denied contact with his family for long enough. I think DH is curious, although worried that they wouldn't get on, what would he say? Would it be awkward? Would they ever really be 'brothers'?

AIBU to encourage DH to meet his brother? I know it ultimately has to be his decision and can't begin to imagine how he feels but I think his brother has some rights after being treated so badly.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 28/01/2012 09:28

I agree with you, it would be good to meet his half brother, BUT, it really is your DHs decision to make.

squeakytoy · 28/01/2012 09:30

I think DH is curious, although worried that they wouldn't get on, what would he say? Would it be awkward? Would they ever really be 'brothers'?

Well unless he meets him, he is never going to find out.

Personally I would say he should meet him and YANBU. It certainly is not the brother's fault that his dad abandoned him as a child. FIL may want to brush his secrets under the carpet, but tough.. it isnt his call to make and they are all his children.

MorelliOrRanger · 28/01/2012 09:49

I agree with you too, maybe he could meet him with his other siblings so he's not on his own with him?

However as you say it is your Dh's choice and at the moment it sounds like he's not ready. :(

imogengladheart · 28/01/2012 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 28/01/2012 10:06

I think your husband should meet this stranger if and when he wants. I don't think this bloke has any rights upon your husband, he is as innocent in this as his half brother. I would keep out of it, otherwise if your husband feels pushed into it and ends up being persistently hassled by this guy, who may have justifiably grown up with a chip on his shoulder he will blame you.
You also don't know the full story I suspect of why your FIL's first marriage broke up and how much effort he put into having contact with the boy. Some mothers can make contact very hard, and things were harder for nonres fathers 20 years ago.
I think the half brother can complain about being denied contact with his father, if it was his father's fault there was no contact, but I don't think you have a "right" to contact with half siblings you didn't grow up with and who are strangers you just share some genes with.
I suspect that if this half brother doesn't push things and hassle your husband's sibs then in the future your husband will become curious and want to meet him. Give him some time, you pushing him makes it sound as though you are being a bit nosy, although I must admit if my husband had a secret half brother i'd be nosy.

sunshineandbooks · 28/01/2012 10:07

I think he should meet him and that he may bitterly regret not doing so at some point in the future when it's too late.

However, he's clearly got conflicted loyalties about this and would probably benefit from some specialist counselling about it. There may be a couple of books out there that deal with this sort of thing if he's not the counselling type.

Kayano · 28/01/2012 10:12

As someone who has never
Met my sibling due to adoption I think it's fair enough that others have opinions...

But the decision rests with DH and no one else and don't keep harping
On about it

IMO

ChitChatInChaos · 28/01/2012 10:15

It would be nice of your DH to meet him, I think. Ask your DH to think about it from his half-brother's perspective, it must have been very lonely growing up without siblings or a dad, hidden away. Meeting his half brothers would possibly give him a feeling of connectedness.

They may not get along or be friends, but then many full siblings don't get along either.

It would be interesting to know where your DH fits into the family dynamic. Is he the eldest of his full siblings?

Oh, and ANYONE that pushes their reluctance to include an 'innocent' family member onto others, doesn't deserve consideration. Regardess of the history of the relationship, FIL has no right to try to exclude his son from everyone else's life.

imogengladheart · 28/01/2012 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 28/01/2012 10:32

it must have been very lonely growing up without siblings or a dad, hidden away

We dont know if the man has other siblings.. his mother may have had more children with another man, who also became a father to him.

FairPhyllis · 28/01/2012 10:54

My father did this too. When it all came out I was still a teenager and was pushed to have a relationship with my half sister, which I am still very unhappy about. I am very resentful that I was basically guilted by everyone in my family into having a quasi sibling relationship with someone I didn't want to have one with.

I guess I will get flamed for this, but the brother's feelings are not your DH's responsibility, and it is unfair to ask DH to do something he is uncomfortable with for the sake of everyone else's feelings, when it's really FIL's fault. It can only be his decision.

alliago · 28/01/2012 11:08

I agree with FairPhyllis, it really isn't your DH's responsibility and he needs to make the decision based on what's right for him. It sounds like he has done that and the only thing you can do is respect it. It's not your place to pressure him to do otherwise.

I speak as someone from my biological father's first relationship. He went on to have another family but I had no real contact with him or them throughout my childhood. I have half-siblings somewhere but that means no more to me than a passing interest. I don't see them as my family just because we share a genetic bond. Family, to me, are the people who shared my life and made sacrifices to raise me - my stepfather and stepsisters are more family to me than my bio father or half-siblings.

mamalovesmojitos · 28/01/2012 11:09

YAB a little bit U but I know your heart is in the right place. Its your dh's choice and you should not pressure him. I am in his situation and I get tired of people trying to push me into contact. Give him time.

MollieO · 28/01/2012 11:30

I think it has to be your dh's decision. I'll have this at some point with ds. He has an older half sibling from his father's first marriage. We dated after he was divorced and ds was the result. His father has not told anyone in his family he has another child. At some point ds will be told he has a half sibling and it will be up to him if he wants to make contact - there is a 10 year age gap between them and I do think it is sad there is no contact.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 28/01/2012 11:33

I think that if your DH perceives you "encouraging him to meet his brother" as you taking sides or "being against him" it could lead to trouble between you. I'd be wary of saying or doing anything at all that would make my DH think that. It's not up to anyone else, and to try and push him one way or the other is like saying that how he feels is somehow invalid or not good enough, or is wrong somehow.

lisaro · 28/01/2012 11:41

Yes, the brother has 'rights', he has the right to request to see your DH. Your DH has the right to say no. If he doen't want to then he shouldn't, and shouldn't be pushed into it OR made to fee guilty. I think you should just leave it up to him, and worry more about DH than his brother.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 28/01/2012 11:49

I think you need to talk through the implications of meeting the brother and not meeting the brother with your husband, without putting any pressure on either way. Just talk about the pros and the cons of both, and let your dh work out how he feels.

You show don't be encouraging him either way IMO, you should just support whatever descison he makes.

ChaoticAngel · 28/01/2012 11:52

Don't try and push your DH into meeting his half brother, he could end up resenting you if he does and it goes wrong. Just let him know that you'll support him in whatever decision he makes and are willing to talk about it if he wants to. He may, sometime in the future, decide to meet him, then again he may not. Either way the decision has to be his.

Original poster

SettleADebate · 28/01/2012 17:39

Thanks all. I think FairPhyllis summed up how DH is feeling - he doesn't see this person as a brother and feels like he is being guilted into a relationship (not by me, I hasten to add - his siblings mainly).

I do really feel for the brother and agree with everyone who says FiL has behaved terribly. Unfortunately, the chances of him ever facing up to his responsibilities and actions are precisely zero. What a guy.

But I agree that none of this is DH's responsibility so will keep schtum and just be supportive.

Thanks.

OP posts:

grolier · 28/01/2012 17:48

Wow, reading this thread has opened a can of worms for me I normally keep a very tight lid on. I know that my DF had a DD before he married my DM. Hidden, to the child also. A religious issue - DF's GF was from an orthodox jewish family and my DF wasn't. So girlfriend's family quickly arranged another suitable marriage before baby was born and the child was brought up by the new husband (who was agreeable to the plan).

So, what I know is that my DF has another child, I have a half-sister slightly older than me. That child was brought up by someone else and doesn't know the truth of her parentage (AFAIK). I would like to know my DS. It's all a big secret. But in these days of internet, I could probably track her down. I've always thought this wasn't fair on her or her family, but it's weird knowing there is a sister out there. WWYD? I think the potential for hurt is too big; I don't want to hurt people. But then, if you were that other girl, would you want to know? WWYD?

Genuine question. Genuinely don't want to hurt people or be selfish, for sure.

mayorquimby · 28/01/2012 17:50

I do think yabu to encourage him to meet, this is one decision which I'd call wholly personal. If he's asking your opinion and seeking your advice that's different, but if you're actively pushing or trying to persuade I'd say leave it alone.
Weirdly enough only over a week ago my biological parents and siblings tried to contact me again and I told them that I had no interest and got the adoption agency to agree not to forward any more of their attempts to me and to tell them that I wouldn't be receiving them so not to write again.
My sister on the other hand met her biological parents years ago (disaster, but that's another story).
It's different for everyone so I wouldn't try and persuade him because you have an opinion that such meetings are good in general/theory.

grolier · 28/01/2012 17:52

Sorry just realised that's a bit of thread hijack. But as we're on the same topic, any opinions appreciated.

NedZeppelin · 28/01/2012 17:58

It's up to your H of course, not sure of the timescale but he may feel differently in a while. I met my secret brother for the first time last year (that's a 'full' brother) and it was the most incredible experience. My parents do not want my other siblings to know as it is opening old wounds for them, but I hate the fact I can't tell them. This sort of thing can stir up all sorts of extreme emotions . I hope things work out

NedZeppelin · 28/01/2012 18:01

Grolier btw if your half sister has no knowledge of your existence it will be an enormous shock for her- it was for me when my brother contacted me out of the blue- but I'm glad he did...

lynniep · 28/01/2012 18:08

Let your DH handle it. Please dont push him into something he doesnt want to do. My DH has been nagging me now for about two years into giving my estranged mother 'one last chance'. Its really irritating, and its up to me. I dont know how many times I have to say 'no' before it sinks in.
I'm sad for the half brother, but once again, its not your decision and it will affect your relationship if you keep banging on about it.

Flip

1 2