Should DH meet his half-brother?

[SettleADebate]

Grateful if you could help settle a debate between me and DH.

DH's parents (a whole other thread in their own right) are separated. The split was very acrimonious and hard on DH and his siblings, despite being adults when it happened. PiL are now close friends again, although still estranged.

During the split's nastiest point, DH was told by his FiL that he has a half-brother from FiL's
previous marriage. DH knew nothing of this or of the previous marriage before. FiL left his other son's mother when he was a child and has had no contact since, apart from one meeting some years ago that was unsuccessful.

Since then, the brother has tried to make contact with DH and his siblings. DH has not engaged but his siblings have met him. They said he is very pleasant, has no agenda or score to settle re their father and just wants to
meet his brothers and sisters.

DH is reluctant to meet him. Says he finds the whole 'having a surprise brother' thing difficult
to accept. He knows his dad behaved appallingly, abandoning his brother and keeping him a secret, but still feels some loyalty to him (and FiL would prefer no-one met him).

I think DH should meet his brother. The brother has been denied contact with his family for long enough. I think DH is curious, although worried that they wouldn't get on, what would he say? Would it be awkward? Would they ever really be 'brothers'?

AIBU to encourage DH to meet his brother? I know it ultimately has to be his decision and can't begin to imagine how he feels but I think his brother has some rights after being treated so badly.

I would dearly like to meet my half sister, we shared the same mother, I stayed with my DF. I have tried to make contact but sadly in vain so I can see it from the other side. I would like to see her just once and let things take its course. So you can see where I stand OP, difficult situation for you both.

Can I just ask is your DH the oldest? Reason I ask is because, I was once his 'brother'. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters from my df's second marriage who didn't know I existed for 15 years. I saw my df 3-4 times during my childhood. It took a long time for my oldest sister to accept me as her sister. We are still not close but she has accepted me and will come to me for advice with her ds, as I have 3 ds's. I can imagine how hard it is for him and the first meeting will be awkward but it will get easier. It has been 15 years since we all met up now and it is really nice, I have 2 lovely nephews and one on the way. In fact I see more of my siblings that I do df.

i really think you should leave it your DH. it has to be his decision. i have known about my DH's half sister for 9 years now and he has not been ready to meet her. in this case another family member has threatened to cut off contact if they meet. it really has to be the person involved who makes that kind of decision.
i am curious, but i don't have the same emotional involvement or stuff to lose as my DH by the meeting. if it was up to me i'd meet up, but it's not so i keep out of it, and so should you IMO.

I think your DH should do as he likes.

Having genes in common with someone does not mean that you will have anything else in common with them or that you should be expected to have a relationship with them.

YABU to try to make the decision for him.

Ned if you had to weigh up the equation: potentially destroy her current family vs. give her the opportunity to gain 2 sisters and her bio father... which would you choose?

Grolier. Very difficult q. I am faced with a terrible dilemma of whether to blow my family's life apart by revealing my brother, or continue to keep him a secret which will (and is) having an increasingly negative effect on him- it's not his fault after all. But...I've coped with the revelation so far, and it's incredible to meet someone so closely related it really is. People will react in different ways and you can't control any of it. I really couldn't advise, given my own circumstances ...

I was the secret sister. Have met them but there just isn't a connection.

Was worse for half brother ('dad' did the same, got someone pregnant and then left them). For some reason my 'grandparents' liked him (whereas I had ruined by 'dad's' life) so he saw the family loads but wasn't allowed to tell our half sisters he was their brother.

Anyway let DH be, just be there as a sounding board and do it in his own time.

I think your DH has to come to his own decision on this although I feel for the "secret" brother who sounds like a decent chap with no agenda. Also, if your DH was prepared to meet him he need not automatically assume that things have to go further. He would, however, be able to make a more informed decision about whether he wishes to maintain a relationship with him.

FWIW, my mother had a very, very dear "aunt" who supported her through turbulent times and was always there for us. I loved her very much too. It wasn't until my aunt was in the terminal stages of cancer that my mother discovered she was actually her half-sister. It turned out that my grandmother had become pregnant just before going to training college (scandalously, since this was before World War I) and the child was adopted by her parents.
My mother was desperately sorry not to have known the true nature of the relationship with her half-sister.

I would just stay right out of it.