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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to knock on for next door neighbour to make sure she's ok?

45 replies

oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 00:45

I noticed a newspaper sticking out of her letterbox after taking DS for his swimming lesson, paper had probably been there for an hour or so I reckon. Then when my parents came about 6pm for tea and my dad remarked about the paper and that there were no lights on in the house. Checked again when they left (about 11pm ish), paper still there and no lights. I don't know whether to knock on tomorrow if it's still there and if I do shall I call in the morning or leave it 'til the afternoon or not call at all? She could be ill in bed or equally she could have had a fall or something.

Here's the backstory in case you're wondering why I am deliberating and not just doing it;

She pretty much keeps herself to herself but is getting frail now, physically and mentally. She has history of accusing people of trying to poison her etc when they have been invited in at her request to help her with something, and has previously accused us of being someone else (previous owner of our house we think) and of hooking up our electric to hers plus various other confused exchanges.

I feel really sorry for her as she obviously gets a bit confused sometimes and she's all alone in the house (although does go into town on the bus occasionally). She has form for ringing the police for various things and when DH spoke to them last summer they warned that social services etc were involved and for us to not get too drawn into helping her etc due to her making stuff up and accusing people of various things.

My dad was making jokes about having a sniff at the letterbox Hmm but what if something has happened to her?!

OP posts:
bellabelly · 28/01/2012 00:49

I'd go round in the morning - make up an excuse if you like, eg, borrowing a cup of sugar. Just because ... if something awful has happened, you'd feel terrible that you hadn't checked, iykwim.

AmberLeaf · 28/01/2012 00:49

Given the backstory it would probably be better to give the non emergency police number a call, then they could either advise you or send someone round to see if shes ok?

Or id knock and if shes ok just say you saw her paper sticking out and thought maybe she was away, so you wanted to check as sometimes thats a green light for burglars.

Its nice that you care Smile

VelcroFanjo · 28/01/2012 00:50

See what happens by the morning...there could be a number of reasons for the paper to still be there. Could she have gone away? You don't know her well enough to be sure anything is wrong, but you are a good person for caring!

AgentZigzag · 28/01/2012 00:52

It's not a call I'd like to make.

She's obviously vulnerable, but probably wouldn't thank you for bringing in the authorities.

And you've got to live next door to her.

Just on the face of it there's nothing sinister about what you've said, but you'll have it playing on your mind if you just leave it and something has happened.

It's too late to knock tonight, so unless you have real concerns for her health (wouldn't the police be the only ones who could gain entry?) then I would leave it until tomorrow and knock in the morning.

It means you'll have to deal with any fallout if she gets a bit funny about you caring about her, but that's got to be better than not caring hasn't it?

Original poster
oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 00:59

Pretty sure she's not gone away (although not impossible I guess), I've seen her going out about once or twice a week, sometimes for the bus and sometimes in a taxi. She's told us she has no family, just one neice who she doesn't see/speak to. She usually comes round every week or two either to ask DH to do something for her or when she is confused she will be asking for different people then saying I'm lying that they're not here and she has seen them come up the path. We've only figured out how to 'manage' this behaviour recently and the last couple of visits she's made she has been ok with us.

I may knock for our other neighbour tomorrow who's been living in the street a lot longer than us and see what he reckons.

OP posts:
IfMySonWereMyDaughter · 28/01/2012 00:59

Please call the police. My uncle was recently found collapsed after he didn't make a scheduled phone call, police had to break in, and he's now in hospital with a rough diagnosis of dementia. He may never return home but at least he's not dead.

Original poster
oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 01:05

She also did have carers coming twice a day to help her sort her meds she told us, and we did see a lady one morning - I think DH may have her number but not sure if it would be appropriate to call it on a weekend (although I presume they work weekends?). Haven't seen anyone call for a couple of weeks though, but that could just be down to the time they come as I'm usually out all day between school runs. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
BandOMothers · 28/01/2012 01:16

Don't wait till morning. She could be lying there hurt or upset or both. Of course it is fine to call the number on a weekend. My Mum is a carer.

Can you not see anything through the window?

AgentZigzag · 28/01/2012 01:17

When I said it's not a call I'd like to make, I meant the decision rather than the phonecall IYSWIM?

Do social services or the organisation who provides the carers have out of hours numbers?

If she has carers coming round twice a day then they would have seen her today wouldn't they? It would have flagged up something with them if she'd not answered.

You want to ask someone but without scaring the living daylights out of her.

Columbia999 · 28/01/2012 01:21

Please ring social services as soon as possible and tell them your concerns. The lady may have had home care and cancelled it, but it sounds to me from your description that she probably has dementia. We are going through a similar situation with our mum at the moment, and paranoia is featuring hugely in her illness.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2012 01:22

I would check if I were you.

2 weeks ago I rang the police and asked them to check out a flat in the next road to me.

It was around the 14th January and there were still Christmas lights on in the window that never got turned off even in the day.

I had visions of someone laying dead on the floor or something but it turned out, the couple had gone to visit relatives and forgot to turn them off.

I don't regret ringing the Police and they were also relieved there was nothing wrong.

Solo · 28/01/2012 01:25

I would want to check on her very soon because if for instance she has had a fall, she will probably become hypothermic; it is very cold tonight and that would quite likely finish her off if she's lying on the floor.

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/01/2012 01:28

I'd call for help tonight too.
It does sound worrying. I've been in a situation like that and still live with the guilt of What If?.

Original poster
oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 01:29

I'm going to ask DH if he has that number tomorrow if there's still no sign of her (he's asleep in bed now, I'm up worrying, probably about nothing, but my nan had a fall once and was on the floor for all night and morning before anyone found her, it's horrible to think she may be lying there wondering when someone's going to realise she needs help - but at the same time it's on my mind and the scenarios in my head are just getting worse).

I did see the carer calling to her through the letterbox one morning but not sure if she let her in as I had to leave for work, so yes, carers may have been today, but there's always the possibility she may have stopped letting them in or something.

I'm driving myself daft overthinking it all - I think I need to go to bed and see what tomorrow brings, if there's nothing wrong she's not going to thank me for knocking her up at this time Confused

OP posts:
IfMySonWereMyDaughter · 28/01/2012 01:31

Please, please, please, call now!

randommoment · 28/01/2012 01:31

It's lovely that you're caring about this.

My mum's neighbour is getting dottier by the minute, I do know where you're coming from. If you don't know the right number to get through to whichever agency is sending round carers, maybe the police non-emergency number would be good.

Original poster
oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 01:32

x-posted - Argh, just read all these replies and now feel like a heartless cow for thinking about going to bed - I'm going to pop my head round and check on the house front and back.

OP posts:
Chorusforpoormortals · 28/01/2012 01:36

You do not need to wait until the morning.

Ring the local number for/non-emergency number now (particularly if the post is still sticking out of the door) Explain your concerns and they will deal with it when they can...are you not a little worried that leaving it until the morning could be worse, you must be for asking on here and not acting.

You are not going to help by procrastinating.

Even if she fine and is a little harsh in her reactions, she will know you only did it from concern and from the circumstances you describe she could be grateful for that one day.

randommoment · 28/01/2012 01:37

The MN jury is saying you are right to be worried, so don't feel guilty or a bit of an idiot if she turns out to be safe and well just didn't get round to picking up the paper.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2012 01:43

Honestly, I'd rather someone told me to fuck off and wind my neck in than live with the guilt if he is laying there after a fall...especially if for example the heating isn't on because you do hear of that happening and people dying of hypothermia.

Don't feel guilty though, it's something we typically worry about doing incase our concern is viewed as an intrusion.

girlsyearapart · 28/01/2012 01:43

Good luck op
We had an opposite neighbour like this it was hard work as one minute she was fine & the next accusing people of hiding in a locked room in her house trying to take it over.

iscream · 28/01/2012 01:48

Does she have Alzheimer's disease? Sounds very possible from what you've posted. I'm glad you are checking, it is better to check and find out she is fine, than to not check and find out later...she could have been saved if only...
Don't worry about it being week-end etc., emergencies happen all days all hours.

randommoment · 28/01/2012 01:51

Hey oneofthosedays what's the upshot of checking the house front and back as mentioned above 40 minutes ago? (Sorry, v. nosey here)

Shutupanddrive · 28/01/2012 08:55

Any news op?

diddl · 28/01/2012 08:58

Oh blimey, just seen this.

What´s going on?

Please call round-my Dad´s life was saved by a worried neighbour.