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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to knock on for next door neighbour to make sure she's ok?

45 replies

oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 00:45

I noticed a newspaper sticking out of her letterbox after taking DS for his swimming lesson, paper had probably been there for an hour or so I reckon. Then when my parents came about 6pm for tea and my dad remarked about the paper and that there were no lights on in the house. Checked again when they left (about 11pm ish), paper still there and no lights. I don't know whether to knock on tomorrow if it's still there and if I do shall I call in the morning or leave it 'til the afternoon or not call at all? She could be ill in bed or equally she could have had a fall or something.

Here's the backstory in case you're wondering why I am deliberating and not just doing it;

She pretty much keeps herself to herself but is getting frail now, physically and mentally. She has history of accusing people of trying to poison her etc when they have been invited in at her request to help her with something, and has previously accused us of being someone else (previous owner of our house we think) and of hooking up our electric to hers plus various other confused exchanges.

I feel really sorry for her as she obviously gets a bit confused sometimes and she's all alone in the house (although does go into town on the bus occasionally). She has form for ringing the police for various things and when DH spoke to them last summer they warned that social services etc were involved and for us to not get too drawn into helping her etc due to her making stuff up and accusing people of various things.

My dad was making jokes about having a sniff at the letterbox Hmm but what if something has happened to her?!

OP posts:
Mrsgradgrind · 28/01/2012 09:02

I can't believe you even need to consider this - just knock on her door got goodness sake

WelshMoth · 28/01/2012 09:37

Update?

QuintessentialyHollow · 28/01/2012 10:24

I am also keen to seen an update.

It sounds like neighbour has dementia. All the accusations of lying, and seeing people, and the confusion. Confusing you with previous owners, her memories are most likely from when they were still there, and wont understand why you are in their house at the best of times.

oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 10:37

Sorry, just seen these replies - I rang social services this morning but they wouldn't tell me whether anyone was due to visit etc. I have knocked on and called her through the letterbox but there was no reply. Curtains haven't moved this morning (back still closed, front still open) and there looks like a plate on the table in the living room. I've rang the police on the non-emergency number, they didn't sound too concerned but are getting someone to check for hospital admissions etc and will be calling round if necessary.

I'll give a further update when the police get here, if they come.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 28/01/2012 10:39

OP, if you haven't already done so, then go now.

Sounds like you're increasingly likely to have a 'complex' relationship with her because of her degenerating condition so you're not likely to be repaid with her gratitude, whether she's in strife or not.

It is however, the right thing for you to do. You Must.

WelshMoth · 28/01/2012 10:40

x-posted OP. Sorry.

Keep trying.

Bunbaker · 28/01/2012 10:47

I can't believe how unhelpful the police and social services are being. Over Christmas MIl stayed with us and was therefore unable to call on an old lady in her village. This old lady was a stubborn so-and-so and wouldn't have home help or anything like that. While MIL was with us this old lady became ill and was sat stuck on her toilet for a very long time (hours, days, no-one knows). MIL has a house key so she called on her when she got home and ended up ringing for an ambulance. This lady died on Wednesday.

From your initial description of the lady she is displaying classic symptoms of alzheimers - paranoia and confusion. If her curtains are still closed and the newspaper is still in her letter box alarm bells would be ringing and I would be making those phone calls again.

oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 10:48

Ok, just as I pressed post a police van rolled up and they let me know she's gone into a residential care home and not to worry. Surprised they actually came round to tell me that, I thought they would ring, felt a bit sick when they pulled up. I'm so glad she's ok. Don't know what's going to happen with the house now as I think she owns it, I'm presuming she won't be coming back out again, but that's by the by really.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 28/01/2012 10:51

Oh, thank goodness. All's well that ends well. You sound like a lovely neighbour.

Notthefullshilling · 28/01/2012 10:51

If this lady was showing signs of dementia or confusion it might be that she has had a sudden decline, what is absolutely sure is that dehydration is a big factor in bringing on symptoms of dementia. It would be no surprise given what you have decribed OP if she has taken to her bed for whatever reason, and then not had enough fluid and has become more confused/frightened.

Can you or DH go round back, any other windows to look in, try SS again and insist that this woman could be at risk from falls. Remind them if you feel it warranted of the press coverage of elderly people found dead after lying for hours with out being noticed. Is it her own house or council or HA? If not her own contact landlord?

Notthefullshilling · 28/01/2012 10:53

Sorry X posted, but good on you for taking time to notice and care about others.

CiderwithBuda · 28/01/2012 10:56

Def sounds like Dementia of some sort. Hope she is ok.

My mum has dementia and is currently telling people that my DH is selling our house and divorcing me because I am having an affair with a guy in the IRA. She also thinks she is 46 and living alone. It's very hard to deal with. She is now in hospital and will be moving to a nursing home as my dad couldn't look after her. Dementia can cause people to forget to eat etc and to lose all sense of time.

Please keep trying to see if she is ok. She may well be beyond caring for her self at this stage and need residential care. Your difficult relationship is not with her but the dementia. It really is a horrible disease.

QuintessentialyHollow · 28/01/2012 10:59

oh Buda, so hard isnt it. So it has progressed to this now, but glad to see you are getting help.

oneofthosedays · 28/01/2012 11:01

I actually feel quite wobbly with relief, didn't realise how worked up I was about it. Feel a bit silly for all the worrying considering she was never in there but I work for housing and come across people being found dead or gravely ill in their house surprisingly frequently so I'm glad I did ring.

OP posts:
BandOMothers · 28/01/2012 11:09

You could send her a card to say you'd wondered where she was and you hope she settles into her new home soon. That might be nice. Glad she's ok.

randommoment · 28/01/2012 11:12

So glad to hear she's safe. You may now enjoy a virtuous glow as an officially nice person!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/01/2012 11:15

Don't feel silly for worrying - you weren't to know she wasn't in there. It would have been nice for someone to have told her nearest neighbours when it was arranged. Anyway, at least she's somewhere safe now.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/01/2012 11:16

Good for you for looking out for your neighbour, OP. Stuff like this restores my faith in humanity.

CiderwithBuda · 28/01/2012 12:02

Glad to see your update and glad your neighbour is ok.

Hi Quint. It's horrible isn't it? My dad is struggling a bit with guilt but he really couldn't manage any more. When she was taken into hospital she was dehydrated and malnourished and had a severe uti. He just couldn't get her to eat or drink. I'm going home in 2 weeks and will help him do some sorting out in the house. He is trying to keep busy and we are encouraging him to make the most of his freedom now. How is your mum?

Solo · 28/01/2012 14:59

So glad she's being cared for; well done too OP for caring about her. :)

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