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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to think now that I am in full-time employment, DP should do the same amount of domestic chores as me?

71 replies

randomactsofcraziness · 27/01/2012 20:56

DP has been in a ridiculously very well-paid position for 13 year whereas I have been in education until last year (not messing about or anything, that's just how long it took).

Since getting together 8 years ago, we?ve had two children, and I have been earning some money with odd jobs whilst studying and bringing up the kids. Until I completed my education, I did most of the domestic chores, fair enough...

Now we both work 40 hours, but I still do 2/3 of ?domestic? chores (this includes other unpaid chores such as taking kids to school/hobbies, gardening/DIY, sorting out insurance/finance stuff, booking holidays).

He says this is fair as he has been supporting me the last few years and it is my choice that I have chosen a career that takes a looong time to qualify. He also mentions that he earns four times as much as me (but to be fair, that was more a side note).

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

OuchCharlie · 27/01/2012 21:10

Bit of both really, if you've been in education or bringing up children then IMO you've been working as hard as him so why have you been doing more chores all this time?

The trouble is you've been doing too much or rather he's not been doing enough and you've let him get away with it. If it were me I'd have a conversation with him and tell him your circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to do as much as you've been doing and you need some help.

Failing that you could just stop doing the non child-related chores and see how long it takes before he notices (of course this could backfire if he is happy to live in a slum in dirty clothes) - I'm interested to see how this one turns out; will people say you need more help or simply say "leave the bastard!"?! :o

MrsMagnolia · 27/01/2012 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smellslikecatspee · 27/01/2012 21:12

Bullshit!

Amount earned is of no importance.
When he grows and gives bith to 2 children then you can talk again

50/50 is the way to go

Smellslikecatspee · 27/01/2012 21:13

Bith...........

Birth even

Oh and
Uaibu

FabbyChic · 27/01/2012 21:16

I never understand why arranging things like insurance is a chore, its a necessity. Someone has to do it and the person most capable should do it and that Im afraid to say is us women.

With regards dropping kids off if it is too much now you have a job get a nanny, or don't take them to that many out of school activities.

With regards dropping off at school it depends whose job starts first i.e who has to leave the house at a particular time.

Before you embarked on a full time position you really should both have sat down and had a discussion about division of chores in the home, because obviously things had to change.

FabbyChic · 27/01/2012 21:17

As an aside, why not get a cleaner now you can afford it and are working you clearly need some outside help and if he won't budge, pay someone to do it.

rookiemater · 27/01/2012 21:17

YANBU of course but what are you going to do about it?

Firstly sounds as if you are not too badly off so outsource where possible, cleaner, gardner, on line shopping - Tesco click and collect is fab.

What age are the children - can you lift share, are they old enough to get the bus?

His lack of respect is the worrying aspect.

jelliebelly · 27/01/2012 21:18

If you both work you should share all household duties 50/50. Who earns what doesn't come into it.

troisgarcons · 27/01/2012 21:19

now your working and he's been supporting you - treat yourself to a cleaner - thats always the MN mantra .... and a gardner and an au pair, possibly a live in nanny and all round general flunky

Glad to have helped.

jelliebelly · 27/01/2012 21:21

Outsource what you can then agree priorities between you e.g. I organise all our finances/admin etc because i am good at it. Dh is better at cooking so he does that etc

EightiesChick · 27/01/2012 21:24

Should be a more even split, but in practice this is very difficult to achieve with someone who is unwilling - not saying that to put you off trying, just be aware that Rome wasn't built in a day.

Given that he's pointed out his supersized salary, I think you would be entirely reasonable to say that now you're both working, you will need either to redistribute some tasks or pay for them to be outsourced, and since he's the one bragging about his with the fat wallet, he will be forking out for the cleaner, gardener and so on.

As a side note, does he contribute 4 times as much as you to the household financial pot?

Original poster

randomactsofcraziness · 27/01/2012 21:38

Thanks for your opinions so far!

We are outsourcing where we can (within reason), so we have a cleaner.

We tend to do the things we enjoy, and I work from home, so for some things it makes sense that I do them. So, I generally do kids related stuff, plus washing (isn't too much as ironing is outsourced as well). DP does all the money related stuff (which I hate with a passion), he even gets my car sorted (insurance, MOT, etc.), DIY and the bulk of the guardening. Shopping and cooking - equal.

It's because I do all the day-to-day mundane stuff that it is more...

And because I work from home (not always kids-free) a lot of time is lost jus tby sorting the kids out... But DP doesn't want to up childcare.

He says he doesn't expect me to work full time, part time would be totally sufficient. But I want to, also, I couldn't let this job oportunity go, I need to get my foot in the door...

OP posts:

trixie123 · 27/01/2012 21:45

sounds like you have some quite serious underlying issues about the dynamic of your relationship which need sorting out . The distribution of chores is a symptom i think, not the, illness IFYSWIM. Does he not expect you to be fulfilled and do what you want? He can't use the fact that he has / can support you as a way to force you into financial reliance on him. If he wanted to be in a 1950s relationship perhaps he should have mentioned it pre- kids?

rookiemater · 27/01/2012 21:47

Ok thanks for your update, sounds like he does a reasonable amount plus you are doing a lot of outsourcing already.

What age are your children?

minimisschief · 27/01/2012 21:57

i'm surprised no one has pulled you on the 13 year education pisstake

marriedinwhite · 27/01/2012 22:03

OP I had 8 years off to be a full time mummy. I did everything in the home during those years. Then I went back part-time, then full-time. Must admit until dd was 12 we had an au-pair though for light housework and laundry, activities and teas. Now have a cleaner twice a week (6 hours). I think I do far more than DH and really I shouldn't be working full time but I enjoy it. Our compromise is sort of that I work because I want to rather than because I have to and therefore I don't really expect dh to do much at home.

DH does the garden, the bins, the out door paintwork and I do everything else but we do have a cleaner and twice a year we have a cleaning company in to do a thorough clean. Rather like you DH earns much, much more than me.

Original poster

randomactsofcraziness · 28/01/2012 08:10

minimisschief

I didn't say I was 13 years in education - DP has been working for 13 years. Yes, I've been in education for a long time, but I managed to do several degrees during that time, among them a PhD, all whilst bringing up two small children.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 28/01/2012 08:12

Yanbu. And be in education all you want if you can afford it, hardly a 'pisstake'.

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 08:31

Oh right, I get it:

He doesn't "expect" you to work (like it's his decision) so you are "choosing" to work, so really it's a hobby and you should fit it around your proper work of being his skivvy.

Well, you can kid yourself that this is a "compromise", or you can tell him to fuck off with his thinking he's your lord and master.

Get childcare to cover your full-time job - working from home shouldn't mean your attention is elsewhere. The children need to be cared for by someone else while you are working.

This is a big opportunity for you - grasp it with both hands.

You'll be glad of your independence in the future if doesn't seriously buck up his ideas.

NinkyNonker · 28/01/2012 08:33

I agree with AThing.

Truckulentagain · 28/01/2012 08:42

Well I think it sounds pretty equal as it. Bu then again I'm a man.

Would he like to take a career break now to study and spend more time with the children and you can be the bread winner for a while?

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 08:46

Truckulent - you think it sounds equal that she's looking after the children while she works because he doesn't want any more childcare?

Extraordinary.

rookiemater · 28/01/2012 08:54

Has he said he doesn't want any more childcare?

The sense I get is that he doesn't really care as long as he isn't required to do anything more. Therefore childcare when OP is working seems sensible.

I assume if he has a high paying job it is one of those ones where you have to put in long hours, plus he seems to do a reasonable amount of housework. He may well be in one of those jobs where there is just no way that he can do the school run as it would genuinely jeopardise the 80% of the household income he brings in.

I'm not saying his position is 100% right, but marriage and parenthood is about compromises, agree with Fabbychic this should all have been discussed prior to the OP taking a 40 hr a week job.

Grumpla · 28/01/2012 08:58

I also agree with AThing .

My idea of a fair partnership is quite simple. You both contribute money, time on chores, childcare etc to ensure that you both have the same amount of disposable income and leisure time "left over" once the demands of the household have been met.

Childcare = work and does not = washing someone else's pants for them. Obviously education can be a bit of a grey area - if my husband suddenly announced he wanted to start an art class or something unrelated to work I'd class that as a hobby (eg leisure) but if your courses and qualifications have been gained with an eye towards work (which it sounds like they have) then that would count as work!

Your husband sounds like he's got some fairly old fashioned ideas about these things which need to be addressed, not least the premise that his higher wage means his job is "more important" and entitles him to do less of everything else. Without you providing childcare (and presumably other support) I think it's likely he'd not be earning what he's earning now.

Grumpla · 28/01/2012 08:59

Sorry that's not very clearly expressed I'm in pain this morning and it's tangling my brain a bit.

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