... to think now that I am in full-time employment, DP should do the same amount of domestic chores as me?

[randomactsofcraziness]

DP has been in a ridiculously very well-paid position for 13 year whereas I have been in education until last year (not messing about or anything, that's just how long it took).

Since getting together 8 years ago, we?ve had two children, and I have been earning some money with odd jobs whilst studying and bringing up the kids. Until I completed my education, I did most of the domestic chores, fair enough...

Now we both work 40 hours, but I still do 2/3 of ?domestic? chores (this includes other unpaid chores such as taking kids to school/hobbies, gardening/DIY, sorting out insurance/finance stuff, booking holidays).

He says this is fair as he has been supporting me the last few years and it is my choice that I have chosen a career that takes a looong time to qualify. He also mentions that he earns four times as much as me (but to be fair, that was more a side note).

AIBU or is he?

Again, thank you for your opinions, much appreciated. From what you say the main issue seems to be childcare... That makes sense as with more childcare I'd have less child related taks, and at the same time I'd have more time for work (it is so hard concentrating when DC2 makes demands every five minutes)...

To answer some of the new questions...

DC1 (7) goes to school, so can take care of himself when home from school. He plays out a lot, or, when the weather is bad, just plays video games for an hour or two.
DC2 (3) goes to nursery for 4 sessions (half days). DC2 is very demanding, even though we do a good amount of "nice things" at the weekends, and genreally give the children a lot of attention (cuddles :-)) in the evening. DP is adamant he does not want to pay for any more childcare.

As to what I do to be able to work 40 hours whilst being at home, I have been awarded a (full time) research grant. I've been applying for jobs and grants, this happend to be more successful. DP wouldn't have an issue upping childcare if I had a job out of home, he just says it's not necessary as I work from home, it would be unnecessary expenditure (the nature of his jobs means he can be quite anal...).

DPs work is not that stressful, he's been really lucky considering his position.

He does commute, but he doesn't do any overtime.

As he managed to do (another) 3 degrees whilst working, I can't impress/argue that I did same amount of degrees whilst bringing up children.

As to 'let him to the tasks that I'm doing, he'll see what it's like' - he's been in the situation where he had to look after the kids for a few weeks, and, being the "superman" he is, managed without any problems. The kids listen to him more which makes it easier for him. Whereas when I, say, go shopping with them, they will both run off, the little one will have at least one major tantrum, when with DP they are angels...

DP often makes me feel inadequate because he can do anything, there don't seem to be any limits. But all my friends say I've done really well and, if anything, should be doing less...

Couple of questions OP: Would your dp's employer let him take the dc to work with him and allow or expect him to be productive? That is what you are trying to do and parenting and contracted work do not mix. You cannot work productively and also look after children.

The other point I would like to make and am aware I will be flamed for this is that when I returned to work I earnt a fraction of dp's salary. I did not have to return but chose to. DP had always paid the cleaner. However, I paid for the childcare that was required to allow me to return but what was left was mine and dp has never expected a penny of it to be put towards our domestic outgoings. I buy the childrens' clothes and pay for their out of school activities.

He's not paying for childcare, your household income (which you contribute to) is paying for childcare

If he doesn't want to pay for any more child care, how about he takes the children to work? Or he arranges to work from home on the days DC2 is home, so that you can attend your research institution?

You have done well. He can do anything because he has excellent support at home.

I don't think it's really ok to accept a research grant for full time research work if you are simultaneously trying to look after young kids. It's not fair to the body who have awarded the grant frankly. I would use this line with your husband: tell him you are going to book the kids in for childcare because you are receiving money to do work and this requires your full attention. End of.

The only possible argument he could pose is that he's fed up with having to be the main earner and wants you to get better paid work rather than research from home- which is a valid argument as to be fair, he has been earning practically all the income for years. If this is the route he wants to take, you both contribute financially to the childcare and home chores are split equally.
If he is happy with you doing research work from home on a grant, then you just need to force the childcare issue- its non negotiable, you can't actually accept a grant and try to muddle along with demanding young kids

If you work 40 hours/week, you need 40 hours/week of childcare. Otherwise you are not working, you are caring for children. If he's refusing to pay for the childcare you BOTH need to work, then he's effectively barring you from fulltime employment.

You okay with that?

Well you need to be adamant that you will be paying for full-time childcare, out of your joint income.

He sounds like right prick, TBH

He's setting you up to fail in a really important position to your future career.

It is not a waste of money to pay for childcare just because you work from home. People who work from home employ childcare so they can do their jobs properly.

It is a waste of this opportunity you've been given to squander it by doing a half-arsed job because you have children to mind.

I share callme's opinion that the people paying you for full-time research might be less than impressed with your current commitments to the research they are paying you to do.

It's also massively unfair on your children to have half your attention when you are their carer. How sad for a 7 year old to have to look after himself when he comes home after school because his mother is too busy to really be there for him and his Dad is too tight to pay someone to look after him.

i work from home and until the kids were old enough to look after themselves i had paid childcare as i didn't think it was on for either me (getting stressed), the kids being ignored or the company i work for, otherwise.

as i'm sure people on here have said, i think you need to time all your work (outside paid employment) during a week, and he needs to do the same. the hours should be 50/50.

If he doesn't play ball, i would cut back big time on things that affect him and not you. eg does he like having a nice dinner cooked for him - cut corners and give him something with chips etc. run out of his favourite food (you can tell i've got boys) because you haven't had time to shop .....

Can you 'borrow' a room from a friend for a few weeks so that you actually go out to work? It is totally unreasonable to contract to do 40 hrs a week but have kids around as well. Likewise, it is totally unreasonable of him to expect you to.

You absolutely have to have childcare - you can't throw away an opportunity like this! Your DP is being an arse.

Why is this an issue if he earns so much? Sounds like he sees what you do as completely unimportant.

Your husband has cleverly agreed to outsource the non-time-critical tasks that he might reasonably expected to lend a hand with in his time off, eg cleaning and ironing, and refuses to allow the household joint funds to pay for childcare, which is a task he cannot possibly do during office hours, so cannot be asked to help with.

If childcare is genuinely not affordable, then he needs to be the parent in charge of the children while you work, say, 10 hours each day of the weekend and the other 20 hours in your younger DC 's nursery session time. You'd probably need to be working out of the house. Or, he splits working at home time with you. He doesn't get to have it both ways.

Inertia - good point, well spotted

Yup. Inertia has hit the nail on the head there.

You can't work from home and look after kids, doesn't work sustainably. Been there, done that. An au pair makes a big difference.

Right: universities and other research institutions will generally have bookable study rooms for use in their library buildings or similar, which are available for postgrad students, research fellows etc. Ring up yours and tell them you want to book one for a few days a week, at least. Then tell your DH you are going to be working outside the homr for at least 3 of the 5 days in the week and either he works from home himself and looks after them, or they will nee to be in full-time childcare.

I'm not saying you have to switch over completely or permanently to doing this. But it is a lot harder to argue with. I also don't get the 'adamant he is not paying for any more childcare' line. It's household money, surely? I asked about this much earlier on the thread and it may have been forgotten, but does he pay more than you into the household account, or does it not work like that as he keeps control of his much bigger wage?

FWIW I was in your position, in terms of the gap between mine and DH's income, for some years and DH always paid proportionally more into our joint account given his greater earnings. He totally saw that this was the only fair thing to do (in fact it was his idea). You should not have to be begging your DH for his agreement to spend money on childcare.

Sort of similar situation. Husband is very well paid and I've been a SAHM 10 yrs since the birth of our first child. Sometimes I feel guilty that he is the one out working but TBH is suits him as it gives him a bit of a get out of jail free card regards helping round the house though he is quite good with the kids. I think if I went back to work ( for a pittance anyway) it would create a lot of problems and resentment regarding the split of housework duties so this status quo suits us at present.

If you are both working similar hours though, then not sharing the rest of the work would cause big problems.

Even if the 7 year old is good at entertaining himself after school, it is not reasonable to think that you can have a full time job with a young child attending nursery just 4 days and only half sessions. (aren't these free anyway from 2.5 years of age?)

You need some time and space to generate and develop research ideas, and also some 'silence' to find what your findings are trying to say. You can't get to the required level of concentration if you are constantly interrupted. Obviously, you can still do the job but it would take twice as long as expected or will end up lacking in quality. You certainly don't want to ruin your reputation as a researcher when you are just starting... can you go part time instead?

Eightieschick - RE household money. We have a joint account, and I can spend as much as I like. As I'm very sensible with money, like him, there haven't been any issues (other than childcare), I don't go crazy... However, I don't have any insight into this account because DP says I can't be trusted with passwords... It is true that I occasionally loose my keys or credit card or similar (once every 5 years), I leave the car door open all night and other daft things, and I tend to forget stuff more than he does, but like a "normal" person, now more average (compared to the people I know)... He's the one with the "superhuman" brain. To be fair to him, I'm not interested in finance stuff. I just aren't. I just can't concentrate when someone explains stuff about it, even if I tell myself to bloody listen and learn. He knows it as well as I do, and I've been quite happy for him to take care of the money as I generally have all the freedom I want.

About working elsewhere - e.g. at friends, uni -, that wouldn't work: Apart from having to travel 1/2 there (and back) it would still not solve who takes DC1 to his activities, or picks him up from school for that matter. Plus, there'd be extra costs. In theory, it's a great idea - it's hard to ever switch off when home=workplace...

DP downright refuses to discuss au pair - they are by definitiononly for spoilt, posh people ... I will run through options costwise - also taking into account that DC2 will start school in September - and see if I have some strong points pro au pair. At least, DP says he's willing to discuss childcare again (over the weekend we've been shouting, and then ignoring, eachother, so a discussion wasn't possible... He said I just hinted at him rather to do more in the house and that I need more childcare, rather than asking him openly. I think that's not quite how it was, anyway, we'll see how it goes this evening...)

It does sound like he's taken up the financial slack and you've taken up the domestic slack... Now that's changed, so you need to sit down and figure it out.

What actually NEEDS done? Like for example, you might have a really low mess tolerance whereas his is sky high - in which case does the house REALLY need hoovered once a day or would once a week be enough? Likewise, does he actually care whether the garden has beautiful flowers or is this something you do because you enjoy it? First step I think is to sit down and figure out the essentials, how long they take, how often they need done etc.

Secondly, is this about both of you putting in equal amounts of domestic effort or about the fact that you can't do 40 hours working plus 2/3rds of the domestic chores? It would be unreasonable to expect him to give up X hours/week of work if he's earning 4x what you earn - in that case, it's worthwhile outsourcing some of the domestic stuff rather than making him do it. That solution would solve you feeling knackered but not involve him having to change his routine - but maybe you feel he should be doing more?

northerngirl - your just too sensible and together! Very good points.

Not everyone is into organising financial matters so I can see why one partner who is more inclined that way might take it on as their 'job'. However, I would just say this: you have done a PhD, brought up 2 kids (so far) while working from home, and been awarded a research grant (which must mean you seem fairly capable to the awarding organisation), yet you "can't be trusted with passwords"? Just think about that for a minute. I agree that your rate of losing credit cards, leaving car open etc sounds fairly average. Most people who do those things still manage to have an online bank account for which they have a password. Even if they do forget from time to time, they get it reset and the problem's solved. The only major issue I can see regarding password security would be if you kept writing it down in places easily accessible to strangers along with all your login info, or blurting it out to random passersby in the street, again, along with all the other login info they would need to access the account.

You seem sensible and capable enough from your posts here to make me assume that you wouldn't do either of those things. So you might want to ask yourself, again, how reasonable it is that you "can't be trusted with passwords". As I said, having access to the information is quite a different matter to making all the financial decisions.

On the working elsewhere = extra costs thing, sadly, that is pretty much unavoidable. There's an upside and a downside to every working arrangement, and going out of the home to work generally gets you social contact plus time to concentrate, but costs more money. Your arrangement seems to have been based on the notion that it gives you as a household the best of all worlds, in that you get to work and also get to save money, plus the kids are at home with you a fair bit. Unfortunately I'm not sure it's sustainable in its current form, and, as has been said, it is potentially unfair to your employers to carry on that way. You are now doing research on behalf of others rather than in your own name entirely.

As your DH seems to be opening up to the idea of new childcare arrangements, I would pursue that avenue. Make sure it is for enough time for you to actually research properly. I'd find it hard to believe you can do research entirely from your home; you are at least going to have to factor in library trips here and there and presumably report in to your supervisors. All these things can suck up more time than you anticipate, or that people who don't know how the culture is may allow for.

FWIW, I think you have had it much harder doing multiple degrees while at home with the kids around, than your DH has in doing his while working. I know where I would feel more able to do research, and it's in a workspace where I could carve out some time for it, early morning /lunchtime/ end of the day etc, rather than in between sorting out Lego squabbles and cooking dinner.