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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

eek the double bed is arriving on Sunday ? ds1 and his girlfriend can I just say no ?

52 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 26/01/2012 23:37

Apperently despite my attempts to get ds1's girlfriend to leave and not be a permenant resident of this house , they (ds1 and ds1's girfriend are arranging to bring down her double bed on Sunday

Would it be unreasonable to say ...no right what.....what the jeff you doing ?

I am so lost ...he's 18 ..she's 18 and I really have no idea who to handle this

OP posts:

BadNails · 27/01/2012 05:00

So it was just the actual bed itself that was bothering you? Not the girlfriend moving in? Surely your DS' single will be put into storage or something and not thrown away, which would solve any 'ownership' issues should they later arise?

Did I ask enough questions?

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 27/01/2012 05:15

lol badnails

the girlfriend is here ..ha been for a wee while now.

It's more her bed arriving (if it does) that unsettles me

I know on here people tell me to grow a pair and chuck them both out

I just couldnt do that though ...yet

At the same time I don't want the girlfriend being here permenatly ...this is why I'm stuck and confused

OP posts:

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 27/01/2012 05:17

and if they do ever have a happy ever after I don't want to be one of those mean MIL's women complain about

OP posts:

Casablancagirl · 27/01/2012 05:56

Definitely charge rent....

Dustinthewind · 27/01/2012 06:09

This saga has gone on for ages though. When did you start posting about it? Months ago?
I'd just give up and accept what's happening Creamola, nothing anyone has said in the past has altered what is happening, or your response to it.
Accept the inevitable and stop fussing.
You will find it less stressful to realise that if you won't say no, won't set rules and adhere to them, can't bear to upset the pair of them, then stuff like this will happen. Go with the flow.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/01/2012 06:18

If she's already living with you, you may as well roll with it. Good suggestion to buy a new bed yourself though rather than move hers in, and I would be having a serious talk with them about what you expect them to contribute financially and practically if they are living together under your roof.

What do the GF's parents have to say about it all?

Original poster

CreamolaFoamless · 27/01/2012 06:18

it has been going since about september , i think i first posted on here about this late october

what people have said has changed certain things

i value the ability to sound off on this forum

it is not going to go away overnight,

OP posts:

HillyWallaby · 27/01/2012 06:29

What exactly is it that you don't want?

Is it that you are uncomfortable with them having sex in your house, and the big bed just compounds the feelings, or is she actually trying to move in permanently by stealth?

If it's the first then I'd say lighten up a bit, and just give them both a stern talk about discretion, the need to respect other in the house, privacy etc etc, and then back off and allow your son to be the adult he is.

If it's the second, then you absolutely HAVE to make it clear that you have not invited her to live there permanently and you do not want her to. If they make a fuss ask if she iwll be be contributing to the bills and the mortgage and paying full rent like a lodger would?

HillyWallaby · 27/01/2012 06:33

And I'll just add that it is quite unusual to be thsi way around - it's usually the boys who get absorbed into the GF's family! If they are determined to be together 7 days and nights a week then you might just drive him there by saying no! Think about which you would prefer.

My son spent masses more time at his GF's house than they spent at mine (about 70:30) and I felt quite jealous.

Tee2072 · 27/01/2012 06:45

Well, yeah, it can go away overnight.

"Son, you are not moving her bed in here. If she's staying she's paying X in rent and board. Otherwise she needs to leave today."

Stop worrying about the future and take care of the right now.

marmiteandjam · 27/01/2012 06:46

They have got to start paying rent if she is there as much as you say. I agree, I would be very annoyed if someone just brought in a bed like that. Stand up to them.

mrsjay · 27/01/2012 09:07

I think you need to put the breaks on they are not even trying to hide the fact that they are moving in together just in your house , You need to have a loud word with them and ask what the future plans are , and show them some listings for flats .

MmeLindor. · 27/01/2012 09:12

What is the problem? Haven't seen your other threads.

Is it that you don't want her living with you?

Is it a financial issue?

Do you not like her?

I moved in with my (then) boyfriend and his parents and they were really cool about it. It was just for 6 mths till we found our own place. I was 20yo at the time, that was almost 20 years ago and we are married with 2 kids now.

If they are planning to live together, then they need to start thinking about finding their own place.

coraltoes · 27/01/2012 09:16

I'm afraid I don't know the backstory. Why cant they split time between each home? Why can't they rent? Why are they living together? Why are you unhappy wth this? What have you done to express this?

mrsjay · 27/01/2012 09:23

why are you letting your son rule your life sorry to sound Harsh but they are walking all over you are they working or at uni/college , I would rather be a iffy MIl than a bit of a walk over, you need to ask how long they plan to live with you so you can sort things out , if they are planning to live with you they need your consent and permission and maybe a bit of rent ,

GiserableMitt · 27/01/2012 11:19

Are you also expected to cook for her, clean the mess she makes, do her laundry?

It's your house, your home, you need to set the ground rules.

coccyx · 27/01/2012 11:21

cheeky sods

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/01/2012 11:31

Creamola - what happened after you told your son that if they wanted to live together they needed to have a place of their own? She's 18, not 16, if she doesn't want to live at her mothers, fine - but she needs to find a flat/a room/boarding house etc. It is your home - you have told them that her time is up and they are not going to be living as a couple in your home. Put your foot down. Enough is enough. They're 18 - they need to sort their lives out.

Kayzr · 27/01/2012 11:35

Why don't you just tell her she is not living at your house anymore? You post about it all the time about how you aren't happy. Well then get on and tell her to get out. Simples

eurochick · 27/01/2012 11:45

"it is not going to go away overnight"

Well it could. If you put your foot down. If you don't want this, tell her she has to move out, set a (short but reasonable) time limit and stick to it!

Or if you don't object, then let it happen.

You can of course sound off here as much as you like, but it is very frustrating to read these threads, see the advice you are given and then see you back here a few days later complaining again, having ignored all the advice.

foglike · 27/01/2012 11:49

Similar question and answer on same subject HERE

Merran · 27/01/2012 11:53

Email her, your son and her parents and tell them the bed isnt welcome. She can stay but rent will be charged pro-rata. Set out rates clearly. Proportion out the bills, to be paid in advance. Welcome her to the family and put up a cleaning rota.

Incapinka · 27/01/2012 12:00

Glad you liked my idea. Personally that is what I would do initially and then address other issues as and when... But atleast it will be your beds in your house iyswim. Good luck

SecretMinceRinser · 27/01/2012 12:11

Tell your son that if he wants to live with his gf he needs to get his own place. Up to you whether you let her stay while they find somewhere but if you do set a realistic date by which they need to have found somewhere or she needs to move out. Simple. An adult cannot move themselves into your home without your say so!

BikeRunSki · 27/01/2012 12:16

If they are 18 then they can rent their own place and choose what furniture goes in it!

Your house, you decide who lives in it!

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