texts from friends "I'm pregnant - Unplanned"..

[HappyJoyful]

I'm possibly an unreasonable bitter twisted woman... BUT, having undergone 5 cycles of IVF to finally have our daughter - am I right to be a bit peeved by a friends? - "I'm pregnant - UNPLANNED" 3rd pregnancy ?? just the words unplanned / not planned pregnancy to anyone that has been through a battle with IVF (which said friend know's about) is a bit upsetting right ?

maybe because it's hard to get the words out..

and like I said the unplanned could be because she could not face a gushing congrat reply

"To be honest, I think it is terrible that so many people are so open about not planning/not wanting their children"

a pregnancy is a pretty monumental thing to happen to a woman's body, its a bloody big deal of course women should be able to talk about it openly with their friends!

and a text doesn't put the recipient on the spot either

"Maryz so women should just suck it up and bury their emotions and get on with it? what we can't talk over our choices if distressed by an unplanned pregnancy? back to the dark ages much!"

Or they could just pick up a phone? Dial back the hyperbole while you're at it....

I sympathise OP. Many of my friends have had many traumas over the years, and I'd like to think I'd always tailored my conversations with them so that they didn't feel hurt. So I was shocked when people were so tactless when I was going through IVF. I don't think it requires a huge amount of brain power to think about what you're saying and to whom, surely that's what friendship is all about.

Having said that, I would try to forget it as you wouldn't want to lose a friendship over this.

Fgs the poor woman is in shock/distress, so she used the format of text to reach out to a friend, when etiquette apparently says a phone call is the done thing, but maybe she couldn't face that but needed some contact/support!

the op isn't about that though is it Maryz?, its about private texts to a friend at the time of crisis!

as suggested it is that she see's me as kind, helpful, supportive friend and please don't get me wrong I kinda generally overall am and appreciate where she coming from and was in my response to her and, that yes it also may have been a text sent to many BUT, what I think and perhaps this is where I kinda dwell.. and perhaps where I struggle - but some may have picked up on using the word in unplanned is what grates - I think, I would just not need use of UNPLANNED.. in any such announcement of pregnancy - particularly if one knows its going to women who cannot delight in announcing such a thing..

why feel sorry for the child? its a bit of a leap to compare a woman in shock at the time of an unplanned pregnancy to someone who goes on about it for years and on front of the child! That's an unknown at the moment and no more likely than the child being cherished and knowing how wanted it is

Happyjoyful, how would you reply to a text from a friend about a pregnancy which didn't say it was unplanned or a shock?

I don't think she expects youto delight in it. I doubt she's in delight herself. I do think you're reading more into this and takign it more personally than you should fwiw. An unplanned pregnancy is a hell of a shock and you can feel very lonely and unable to discuss it with people. I don't see why people are assumign this is a mass pregnancy announcement either. To me, this seems liek one woman reaching out to a friend letting her know she wants to and NEEDS to, talk. Nothing more or less than that. If you can't be that friend then rather than reply 'are you ok, when can we talk?' just send somehting along the lines of 'I don't know what to say' and let her seek her support somewhere else. And fwiw, having been there, please do NOT spout crap like 'some things are meant to be', or the whole god giving where he sees fit thing. She so doesn;t need to hear such trite nonsense.

thank you midsomer and maryz you seem to get where I am coming from! I totally want to be a supportive friend for my friend but I guess I just had hoped she could have sort of thought about it a bit sensitively {and to add, I don't actually think it was a 'group' text she's not that sort of person) - so whilst I appreciate her 'shock' I still think most women do know that 'accident's happen' and 'ohh I didn't expect to get pregnant' or 'it just happened' kinda comment grate when they know that's not what happens for someone who has had IVF..

but happyjoyful, can you answer how you would respond to a friend just saying they were pregnant?

I sympathise OP

For a start if I had an unplanned pregnancy I wouldn't pick my infertile friend to 'reach out to', I'd probably choose someone else.

Also - I've been in the unenviable position of having had both an unplanned pregnancy and infertility / IVF treatment, and whilst the unplanned pregnancy was incredibly stressful, it was NOTHING compared to the infertility.

fuckity, didn't see your post before posting but yes - I will be that person / friend and definately think it's a shock for her, but not for me if that makes sense - it's like ehhh you fuck without protection and you know you can get pregnant which bit is unplanned there ?! sorry but not having that 'luxury" is the bit as I say that kinda makes me the bit bitter person! BUT, again, I guess I just want to rant a bit and feel bit selfish to think - as I did say 'ohh lucky you".. and yes recycle it's the unplanned that grates on as my above post !

I didn't ask if it would grate, I asked what you would RESPOND to a friend who told you they were pregnant and left out the un-planned statement in the first instant?

OP you actually sound pretty nasty. It's not tit for tat, your problems don't trump hers. I can understand your being upset, but the 'ehhh you fuck without protection and you know you can get pregnant which bit is unplanned there' is absolutely fucking vile. Do you even know the details of how she got pregnant? Presumably not.

And did you really text back 'ooo lucky you'?? She wasn't boasting in her text, I really really don't think she thought you'd take it like that.

thank you lancecoperal.. totally, and I wont go on to add that she then did say after my congrats that it would mean no summer holiday and overall issues with affordability (I can without doubt say that affordabilty, is of no concern to them) But, again, I'm probably just sounding off so appreciate the thoughts that I am just 'a good friend who will support her'

so you did the congrats thing, after she said it was unplanned? nice!

do you not consider that the unplanned statement is to PREVENT exactly that response?

Ehh slightly lost you there fuckityfuck with the nasty comments, I know it's not tit for tat - and ok I can see my comment might have come across as crass about "fucking without protection" but it wasn't meant that way. And no, I know she wasn't boasting either.