Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find modern life rather lonely

52 replies

TakeYourScaffoldingWithYou · 26/01/2012 13:18

that's it really, both the DDs are now full time at school, I've no family nearby, local friends have increased their work hours, DH works away.....

Struck me reading the "sad, sad, face thread" that that was the best laugh I've had since I watched the Father Ted xmas special on 4OD.

OP posts:
ClothesOfSand · 26/01/2012 13:20

Has your youngest started school recently. Are you just getting used to a change recently?

champagnesupernova · 26/01/2012 13:26

MN and twitter good for feeling less lonely ime
What about doing something when the DDS are at school

Sandalwood · 26/01/2012 13:27

Do you work?

wifey6 · 26/01/2012 13:29

Term-time only work....volunteering...

ShatnersBassoon · 26/01/2012 13:30

Volunteer at the school.

Rhubarbgarden · 26/01/2012 13:36

Life is as lonely as you make it.

Original poster
TakeYourScaffoldingWithYou · 26/01/2012 13:43

I guess it's modern semi-rural living.

The 1891 census records for our cottage had three families with 16 people here from babies to grandpa in his 70's.
They all worked here, went to the local chapel and I guess walked to the local village school.

Today, I never see my neighbours, take the kids to school by car (I always wave at the lollipop man) and keep a few acres under control all by myself with my small arsnal of power tools.

yes, ClothesofSand DD2 has just started school full time, so after 6 years of having small children under my feet it is a big change. I've started talking to the dog more Grin

I used to work doing mundane & exciting stuff in big groups, now I work on the occasional project from my office chair.

Strikes me that modern life can be efficient but lonely.

OP posts:
Rhubarbgarden · 26/01/2012 13:50

Could you try walking to the school instead so you can chat to other parents in the school yard and maybe suggest going for a cuppa and a natter afterwards? Or offer your services to do a bit of gardening, if you are nifty with the tools and used to cultivating land? You can choose your hours that way, do it voluntarily or to make a bit of cash, and get to know some local people at the same time?

gramercy · 26/01/2012 14:15

My sympathies.

I would not even recognise 80% of my neighbours, and I'm sure they have no clue who I am. Everyone hides up their long drives and shoots out periodically in their cars.

Some years ago the health visitor said that her real sympathies were not with the teenage mothers, who had extended family all around and had heaps of friends, but with the lonely women she visited who had no family, and went all day every day with no adult company.

GrendelsMum · 26/01/2012 15:23

That does sound like a pretty miserable life. MN is great, but sometimes it makes all the difference to talk to people. Are there any local groups you can join? My village is overflowing with groups - book club, film club, Alternative Women's Institute, choir, social club, etc.

Or (sure you've thought of this already, but worth saying anyway) is it time for you to go back to work?

Bakelitebelle · 26/01/2012 15:38

I think modern life is more lonely, but we have more freedom and choice and we aren't forced to live on top of each other like in the olden days. I don't suppose life in a cottage with 16 people was all it was cracked up to be!

I would echo what others say and if company isn't coming to you, you might need to take a deep breath and go out and find it. Being on your own for too long can really dent your confidence and make you feel like you have little to offer other people in the way of conversation.

MN, FB and all this online stuff is meant to increase the isolation but I find it quite useful if used wisely

RouteCanal · 26/01/2012 15:47

That is a real shame. I think it's a good idea to go out and look for new company. My pre-DC friends drifted away but I started some new hobbies and did courses at our local college which meant I met plenty of new people. I live in an urban area with lots going on but it sounds like most villages would have groups as well.

I've never gone back to work since the DC started school but there is more than enough to keep me busy - gym, parents' groups, music classes, OU and tennis. There's no need to stay at home all day and spend all your time online.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 26/01/2012 15:50

This was me! I started volunteering at the local school to gain some experience and it a complete career change have just got a job as a teaching assistant mornings 9 - 12. The children will have to go to Breakfast club every morning which is a bit of a shame but I will still be there every afternoon for them. I'm really looking forward talking to adults admittedly there will be children there too!

Lotkinsgonecurly · 26/01/2012 15:51

I didn't mean you had to get a job but I'm sure a local school or your children's school would be delighted for some help? Volunteering in a charity shop?

mrsmaltesers · 26/01/2012 15:54

Seconding what others have said .... Volunteering could give you a bit of oomph etc. It definitely got me back on track again.

bobbledunk · 26/01/2012 18:32

Join a gym? Take up a sport? Get a regular part time job? I don't think there is anything lonely about modern life unless you are genuinely unable to get out to meet people. I don't want to know my neighbours and happily would not be able to pick any of them out of a line up.

It's much easier to choose the people you like from interests you share so any clubs or voluntary work should be something you are already interested in. Volunteering in the school sounds really boring, there is so much more you could volunteer for, saving and planting trees, environmental protection, the homeless, elderly, disabled, anti nuclear, anti war etc..? You'd definitely find more interesting people there as wellGrin.

boobiebrain · 26/01/2012 18:42

Do all the things you couldn't with smallies around. Go be pampered, go for a coffee, shopping in the nearest town, go to the gym, swimming, do a new course, have fun!

I have two smallies around, I couldn't even have a decent shower today, had to get out naked midway through to tell my 3yr old DD to stop throwing toys. ENJOY YOURSELF!

thekidsrule · 26/01/2012 19:48

hi,yeah can totally see what your saying,its suprising but in some ways not so that so many people feel lonely.

on the face of it im very outgoing,independent,and know lots and lots of people BUT im pretty lonely aswell,bringing three kids up on my own (no family help really) i think over the years ive withdrawn from life somewhat and taken on the mentality of me and the kids against the world.

not working for a few years hasnt helped and think ive lost my confidence but thats probably going to change this year as my youngest is five so will be required to retrain or work etc but think this is the push i need.

havent any advice really but just to let you know that there are others who feel the same and just because they may have large familys etc dosent mean there not feeling it to

hope you manage to tackle this,

MunchkinsMumof2 · 26/01/2012 20:00

I was just thinking that today op, I have a good life but can count on one hand how many people I actually speak to in person in a day. I think Fb /Mn etc has its place but I miss picking up the phone and having a good natter with friends.

Hardgoing · 26/01/2012 20:05

You are posting on the wrong site. I have lost count of the number of threads saying things like 'AIBU not to ever speak to any mums ever in the school playground?' and 'AIBU to never want to answer the phone, not even to my best friends?' 'AIBU to never want a visitor to stay in my house ever again?'

Luckily in the real world, most people are quite nice and willing to pass the time of day, and even make new friends. I second those who say help out at the school, be a charity volunteer, or even just made small talk with someone everywhere you go. Get a dog (dog people always seem friendly). As for new friends, there are lots of mums in each area who also want to meet new people, so it is worth chatting at the school gate/looking online.

Hassled · 26/01/2012 20:09

I was having a "I never see anyone" patch a couple of weeks ago. Then it occurred to me that actually, I do have friends but I make no effort to do things with them. So I went crazy, and texted/called when I wouldn't have bothered before, and suddenly have a social life again. Those friends of yours upping their work hours - they still have lunch-breaks, yes? They're home in the evenings? And volunteer at the school - they'll never turn a parent helper down and it's a great way to meet people.

NorthernWreck · 26/01/2012 20:12

Well, we walk to school, and are are "morning, lovely day" terms with all the dog walkers and a couple of the older neighbours, but other than that I can go days without talking properly to an adult as I work at home a lot.

I have a few friends in the area, but i usually only see them if there is some kind of event. Week to week people are busy with families, work etc.

I do miss my single friends (all of whom live far away) because they still go out, hang out round each others houses, go for picnics etc.

I don't see why people with kids cant still do those things, but they don't seem to really, except with their own immediate family.

I thinkthis, combined with cars and supermarkets do make modern life quite lonely.
YANBU OP. If you find a solution I'm all ears!

maybenow · 26/01/2012 21:39

i love facebook for doing the small 'nod and smile' or two sentence chat with friends that my daily life can miss these days. i went to uni in a smaller place than this and had a huge social life so i'd see somebody i knew almost every few hours Grin

i've got plenty of people to 'meet up with' or arrange to see but hardly ever just bump into people for a nod and smile.

JuluLu · 27/01/2012 05:21

Get a job!

darleneconnor · 27/01/2012 06:07

Move to the city.