to find modern life rather lonely

[TakeYourScaffoldingWithYou]

that's it really, both the DDs are now full time at school, I've no family nearby, local friends have increased their work hours, DH works away.....

Struck me reading the "sad, sad, face thread" that that was the best laugh I've had since I watched the Father Ted xmas special on 4OD.

Modern life can be very isolating. This is exactly why it's folly to throw away all your hobbies just because you have a child.

What did you do before you were a mother? Cycle? Climb? Geo-cache? Am-dram? Women's rugby?

Yanbu. And for all those people suggesting the OP gets a job, that isn't always the answer. I work but hardly talk to anyone, as funnily enough I'm there to work and not chat! Not every workplace is a hub of gossip and support.

It's funny, I know loads of people and walking to the supermarket / school means I usually get to see someone but other than that I'm on my own. I've had one friend call me in 4 years and only 2/3 evenings out a year.

If it wasn't for FB and Mumsnet I wouldn't know what anyone was up to.

Echoing what others have said, there is stuff out there but you need to be proactive. Also get a diary and plan something each day, nothing worse than waking up to a blank day, runs risk of sinking into gloom.
www.do-it.org has some amazing opportunities, local college, gym, book time with friends, do everything to meet people.
When I split from bf an evening class changed my life, I met 3 girls my own age instantly which led to all sorts of wacky adventures!
Good Luck

How are you feeling today OP? I have found-as some have suggested-that getting involved in hobbies etc can be very good...is that a possibility? I am at home with my DS all week but do work for a few hours every weekend. I find that can be my only source of interaction if I don't see my family etc. I can sympathise.

Right everyone, thanks to all your comments I think I've come up with the magic solution.....

What I need every week is a regular timetabled event where I met a group of other people and do something.

Running, walking the dog, a coffee in town are all well and good and I do have 'one of those faces' that people smile and say hello to. - No, I don't wear a clown costume, I just have a friendly face. -
But a regular thing though would remove the uncertainity on a Monday morning whether someone else will organise a coffee or whether I should ring round....

Volunteering at the school is a funny one, it works for some people and the schools need it but I can't shake off the feeling I'm spying on the kids - who's the brightest, the best fighter, etc.

TYSWU YANBU, and I agree with your magic solution.

I'm still trying to find that 'nice job that keeps me busy and is sociable' but I've started doing my weekly shop in markets rather than just one store... although its made me crave an old bike with a whicker basket.

A timetable is a must, even if its a loose one. I love being on my own but too much of a good thing....

Hope you discover that Modern Life isn't all that bad really soon.

Here are some ideas to turn my, and possibly your, isolated life into a slightly more socialable one.

• Volunteer to make the school library a space passionate about reading lots of different types of books rather then the current temple to Biff & Chip

• Fix a regular time and place in the local market town for a coffee, invite lots of people, try to break the local clique circles. The philosophy will be 'same time, same place every week bring anyone you like, '

*Take the dog for an extra long, super walk and invite other hardy, looking mothers at the school gate to join me.

More ideas welcome....

I think the hardest thing about being a mum these days is not having any family nearby

most of my neighbours/friends here all have extended families who pop in/invite them over and from my window it looks great

we have no family and it can be so lonely

the kids are busy with activites, we help out with things. we work, but there are so many weekends/evenings when I'd love to pop over for an hour to my sisters/drop kids at my mum sfor a wee break/go to pictures with a sister/ have a family lunch on a weekend and invite family over/have somewhere to go on a sat night when tv is crap and kids are bored/fighting

of course its not all roses, but it would be great

I'm a cub leader and I love it! I get to meet loads of people and feel like I'm giving something back - could you do something like that?

I'm certain there's a niche for some kind of "Friendship Group", or a matchmaking service for friends only. Wouldn't that be brilliant? No awkward howdoIstartaconversation moments, and if you don't click, it'd be ok to say thanks but we're not compatible.

Meetup is good for this issue. www.meetup.com

There are groups set up in your area for any and all interests, or you can set up your own group.

(other online websites are available)

I've realised that raising a family without an extended family can be incrediably stressful. My local friends, rightly so, take the extended family support for granted.

Managing the family without the flexiable ten minute, just pop over backup team is obviously possible but certainly harder work.

I feel I'm in the transition zone at the moment, yes I can have my hair cut any day I like between 9.30 and 2.30 but I can't do anything after that unless it involves a 4 year old working through it's post-school tired and emotional meltdown. Just got to build an adult social life into my day-to-day work.

I loved and enjoyed my children being small but pre children I'd never worked so hard. Motherhood - 16 hour day customer facing role, no regular breaks, no weekends, on call over night, must be prepared to be humilated in local supermarket on regular basis. Will need to desperately multitask during dentist, smear or hairdresser appointments.

Completely agree, my parents moved away when I fell pregnant (not sure it was the fact I was pregnant that made them, but their timing is impeccible!) and its a struggle some days when you've seen no one, can't do much, and simply would like, just once to finish a cup of coffee.

I'm being very unhelpful, I know but I would give my right arm for a life of pottering about with children and animals! Being completely burnt out in the city and surrounded by thousands of people makes me feel suffocated, like I'm choking. It's making me hate humans. OP would you like to swap? :)

The good news aldiwhore is that it does get easier but it's good to recognise it is hard.

Great thread, thanks for all the thought provoking, confirmation I'm right in everyway & kick up the arse posts.

Latest thought is that modern semi-rural life should n't with all our gadgets, relative wealth and the internet be boring but it is lonely. The mother in my house in 1891 probably worked harder, found life more repetative and tedious but I bet when she laughed she had other voices along side.

I agree, modern family life can be very lonely, it's the luck fo the draw whether or not you end up with a nice communitey around you or not.

Emails and texts are too easy to ignore or delay answering so sometimes there's no continuity of friendship, whereas if you made a call you'd be sparking the friendship again. It's also easy to cut/cancel when you don't have to speak to the person.

Sometimes you just don't meet people you want to spend time with, or they're always with their children and the friendship never goes further than playdates/cup of tea. I have a couple of friends like this and it makes me sad, I'd like to know them better but there's always the baby.

Bettybat we all just need everything in moderation don't we?
Today, as always, we waved at the lollipop man, said hello to the bloke with the beard and the small dog and noted that the council are sorting out the top path. It's very cold here today so no chat at the schoolgate.

Unless the postman comes down for a chat I won't see anyone now to pick up. Feels like we live in a different world.

OP, am sorry to hear of this situation. I'd suggest your power tools offer a great opportunity. My uncle is a smallholder and recently moved to a remote valley in W Wales not knowing a soul. Now 2 years later he's really busy and knows lots of people. The local smallholders have a monthly "work party" where a gang of around 6/8 of them will rotate round each other's places and tackle a job so it might be fencing, coppicing, tree work, repairing an outhouse etc etc. Huge social element too as outdoor work is invariably followed by meal and ale/wine of choice, and it makes sense financially in that they share tools/expertise. So Fred will have a chainsaw say while Wilma will have a rotovator. Also, if you're smallholding, presumably you have stock - how about local show committee, looking after neighbours' stock if they need a weekend away, breed society, group? Hosting beehives on your land? lHelping out with Pony Club - this might be useful too when DC are a bit older and can start riding? You mentioned having a dog - this is usually a brilliant social ice breaker (unless yours is particularly badly behaved! ) How about volunteering at local rescue or breed club, geocaching, CaniX, lure coursing, flyball, agility, obedience classes (these are good to do anyway) etc etc.

Also don't underestimate the power of MN. I regularly post on the Doghouse section for instance, and have got to know several posters IRL and one in particular turned out to live very near by so now she is a friend and we meet up regularly for horse/dog/chicken/pig/cat related fun and frolics - tis fab! I am even learning about cows

agree with volunteering suggestions. i was in much same situation as you. i've just started volunteering at a local school. schools always seem to want people.

think about what your skills are, for example you sound like you garden...does anyone need volunteers for a school gardening club?

I understand what you mean.
I work full time, have a great family and lots of friends but sometimes I feel onely although I do enjoy my own company.

The problem is I work shifts in a job that I love.
Often my free time is when everyone else is working ( like now!!)

I was off on Wednesday and went walking up Pendle Hill and did a long bike ride but it was all by myself. My next day off is on Monday when,again everyone is at work. I am going snowboarding but it will be by myself.

My friends work shifts and in order to see them we just send a text out with the organiser suggesting a date and wait and see whose free!

My Dh is self employed and in the last two years is working longer and longer to stay at the same place (financialy and on projected target) as he was in 2007. He leaves the house at 7.45am and gets home at 8.00pm and then has paperwork and orders to do.

I have got used to my own company!

I'm in the same boat, really miss having little people around the house and even going to toddler groups. I do have some regular social events but i am worrying about the time when DS3 will not need me to walk him to school as i will really miss my playground chats.
i do some gardening work and have an allotment but they are mostly solitary activities with radio 4 for company and my pre-children jobs involved working on my own at home too so not much good retirning to them either.

i live in a very small town(large village really), not much choice of employment at all and DH is self-employed and works long hours, it is difficult to come up with a solution that works for all of us.

i crave adult company more than i ever thought i would, chatted for ages to the gas engineer the other day!

One day i hope to work with DH but that is unlikely to happen until DS3 is old enough to be a latchkey kid, so not for bout 5 years. I should probably do some training during that time to update my IT skills etc. maybe you could do that too?

at wigglybeezer when DD1 was tiny and I did n't have a car, the social highlight of my autumn was making cups of tea for the Western Power crew restringing the lines. I learnt a lot about pylons.

Upahill yes, modern, flexible working patterns combined with lots of hobbies etc mean that your not bored but it is solitary.

Scuttlebutter a smallholding group would probably be the ideal solution, I'm happy strimming, fencing, etc but groups make the grim stuff easier to wade through. I miss the whole what have you got in your sandwiches tea break chat.

And to go back to BettyBat being lonely in a city must be in many ways harder to deal with. At least I see the same few faces everyday rather then a parade of strangers. And having all the choice a big city offers does n't mean that you can access it when you have family and financial commitments. Sorry, can't swap but you can come and stay!

I live in a big city (London!) and everyone is so busy dashing about that it can be hard to pin anyone down for even half a minute's conversation but I've realised over time that many people would stop and chat if another person (they vaguely knew) stopped and chatted with them. I've gotten to know people on my street simply because I've gone beyond nodding and smiling at them in passing to, eg, comment on the gardening they're doing, or the dogs they're walking or the new door they're getting installed. It's led to all sorts of discoveries eg games nights in the local pub or a choir for adults at the local school etc.

And I take the parents (generally all mothers) at the school gate a bit more seriously now - by remembering snippets about themselves they've disclosed in quick conversations that I mention the next time and then that opens out into conversation then invites for our kids to play together whilst we have a coffee.

I'm quite the loner and have lots of hobbies on top of work but have met most of the people I know through brief conversations that then expanded over time.

If any of that makes sense!

i'm going through a lonely phase (2 under 2, moved here in Sept) but am being more proactive. Next stage is waiting for DSs routine to settle enough so I can climb again.