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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a bit more of an effort re wedding?

49 replies

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 11:35

Got married a few months ago, was a small wedding, limited as to numbers I could invite due to budget/space at ceremony venue. Invited a good friend and husband who I very much wanted to be there. Explained that due to constraints on numbers only children of relatives were being invited. Invitation was accepted and friend said they (her and husband) would love to come. There was a bit of a hassle with getting menu choices off them, eventually after chasing them up for third time I was told, whatever, we don't care what we have. Fair enough, although possibly seemed a bit rude to me not to even bother looking at the choices and take the time to email what they wanted.
Fast forward to half an hour before the ceremony when I get a text saying "can't make it, been let down re childcare".
Didn't reply at time as a) pretty busy getting married, b) bit pissed off at short notice
Got married, was all lovely.
So AIBU to think that a)perhaps one of the couple could have made the effort to come along whilst other watched children
B) it might have been nice to send a card afterwards saying congratulations and sorry to have let you down (rather than a few vaguely apologetic comments on fb that were actually mainly about how pissed off she was)

I do understand if they were let down by childcare then that's not their fault so perhaps I am BU to be annoyed? I don't know.

It was 40quid a head (probably not a lot to some I know, but we had a budget) and this had already been paid by the time they cancelled, I suppose I wish I had invited someone more reliable in their place. I know they are skins so wasn't expecting a gift, but perhaps a card? I was hurt by it, and further hurt by the fact it doesn't seem to register as any sort of big deal. I'm tempted to just drop the friendship. AIBU?

OP posts:

nizlopi · 26/01/2012 11:40

I'd be annoyed too, £80 is a lot of money! I'd probably distance myself, but not drop the friendship. It isn't their fault childcare fell through, but you're right, they could have sent you a card or something.

porcamiseria · 26/01/2012 11:42

oh dear, I can see why you are hurt. trm her, and let her make contact

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 26/01/2012 11:42

YABU to drop a friendship, but YANBU to feel hurt.

Weddings are one of those things that mean the world to the coupl end their very close family, to everyone else they are just a regular event.

It would have been nice for them to send you a card, but I would let it go tbh, and try to realise that you only feel this bad because it was an event that was very very special to you.

There are often people who don't turn up on the day to things like this, and I think it helps to try not to take it personally and remember that you never know what is really going on in other peoples lives.

I know how you feel about the money spent though. I was lucky that the £50 that was spent on the person that didn't turn up to my wedding was kindly put behind the bar for me by our lovely wedding coordinator at the venue.

ABatInBunkFive · 26/01/2012 11:42

TimothyClaypoleLover · 26/01/2012 11:49

Rachel - very annoying I know but it is not their fault if childcare fell through at last minute. Although I would have expected at least a card from them. Unfortunately with weddings (and any parties) there are always people that drop out at the last minute due to illness, childcare problems etc and you just have to accept that when organising. But yes, I agree that one of them could have come which is probably what I would have done if I was in their situation.

NinkyNonker · 26/01/2012 12:05

It was very rude of them to not have been more apologetic with such short notice, especially as they knew how restricted you were. Obviously they can't necessarily help not being able to come.

BalloonTwister · 26/01/2012 12:10

Am I the only person that thinks if you had that much trouble getting menu choices from them perhaps they never intended to come in the first place? Especially when "they didn't care what they had". Possibly because they knew they wouldn't be eating it? Either way, extremely rude to give you so little notice and I would distance myself sharpish OP.

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 12:13

Thanks for responses, I'm glad I'm not BU to feel hurt. I do understand that while my wedding was a big deal to me it's not so much of one to others. It's not the not turning up I'm hurt by but the way it's been handled?

I have just been kind of letting the friendship lapse tbh but now noises are being made about meeting up and I just don't feel inclined to. Perhaps I should just honestly tell her why not.

Dunno what the biscuit is for, have name changed for this as combined with other posts under my usual name it would be obvious its me IYSWIM but whatever, I'm not sure why I'm justifying myself! so thanks bat (Paula danziger eh? Always preferred Judy Blume myself.)

OP posts:

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 12:16

It does sound that way balloontwister but I honestly think it wasn't, I think the menu choice thing was more a symptom of general flakiness and disorganisation and so i wasn't worried by it. i really would hate to think that they never had any intention of coming because then that's just really shitty isn't it?

OP posts:

Newmummytobe79 · 26/01/2012 12:17

I too think they had no intention to go too - sorry OP :(

I think the no children rule (which I totally agree with by the way!) pissed them off, but they felt petty refusing because of it.

If they werent married I could have a little more sympathy with them, but they are so they know full well how much goes into planning a wedding, and that you get charged for no shows. Rude.

They've come up with a fool proof excuse that if you argue the toss, you run the risk of looking the unreasonable one.

I'd gently cut contact to a minimum. But I'm soft.

Just don't make much effort with them, and if they don't bother about the lack of contact ... you know where you stand in the friendship.

Don't lose sleep over them - enjoy your new husband and congratulations! x

coolascucumber · 26/01/2012 12:20

If they didn't give you a card or present afterwards then I don't believe they ever organised themselves (re:childcare) to attend the wedding, and so there wasn't a chance that they would attend. If you had bought a card and present you would give them afterwards. Can't imagine attending a wedding without a present however small.

Ephiny · 26/01/2012 12:26

It does sound like they didn't intend to go and were being intentionally 'difficult' for some reason, possibly you offended them with the 'no children' rule - people do get upset about that sort of thing.

But then they should have just politely declined well in advance, very childish and rude to mess you about like that.

Of course I may have got the wrong end of the stick here, but it does look like there's more going on than just the childcare problems on the day.

TheScarlettPimpernel · 26/01/2012 12:27

I'm normally a right old bag about brides and weddings getting miffed about things, but this would really have hurt me too. I am sorry. No manners whatever, and no-one should be thoughtless enough to bloody text the bride 30 minutes before the ceremony

Don't actively drop the friendship though. If I were you I would discreetly and with quiet dignity let is fade away.

kaluki · 26/01/2012 12:31

I think they probably didn't like the no children rule and didn't like to say, which is cowardly. I personally wouldn't go to a wedding if my dc weren't invited but I would decline the invite and say why, not string them along like this.
Just as another alternative viewpoint though - is it possible that the childcare issue was an excuse for something else more serious? Years ago I had to miss a very good friends big 30th birthday party because my then partner had got drunk and crashed his car into a tree. I was too ashamed at the time to admit the real reason so I pretended to be ill. My friend still brings it up now ocassionally and I'm sure she knows I lied but at the time I felt I had no choice (and he was threatening me not to tell anyone)
I'm probably way off but your post just reminded me of that story ...

northerngirl41 · 26/01/2012 12:35

To be fair, they had probably forked out for childcare, travel, outfits, present, pre-wedding events etc. so they'd probably spent about £80 too... Seems a bit off not to send along a card or present afterwards though. Perhaps they just don't want to bother you in the honeymoon period? Maybe arrange to meet up face to face and see what the whole story is?

Scholes34 · 26/01/2012 12:39

I'd be disappointed too, but your friend's perception of a "good friend" with regard to you could be different to your perception of her being a "good freind" to you.

I once shared an office with someone who declared she intended to have a small wedding with just close friends, which would include me and DH (in the end the wedding never materialised). At the time I was close to planning my own wedding with about 100 guests, and she wasn't on my list. I was slightly taken aback at how close she considered our friendship to be.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2012 12:47

I also got the impression she was never intending to attend

I think it's very rude to not at least send a wedding card/small gift afterwards and a proper apology (text/facebook doesn't cut it with me).

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 12:59

northerngirl - I understand why you might think that they would have forked out but travel wise it would have been either a taxi or a bus across town, I went for quiet meal for my 'hen' which she didn't attend (was invited) and there has been absolutely no indication that they got us any kind of present.

Perhaps they were offended about us not inviting their children but surely then you just decline? I wouldn't have been in the slightest bit offended by that if they had, I made a point of apologising when i invited them that we couldn't stretch to non-family children and asking if that was a problem for them.

Lots of people think they never intended to come and I'm beginning to think you may be right, in which case I feel I'm definitely not BU in just letting contact lapse.

I do also agree with those that have said you don't ever really know what's going on in someone else's life but I suppose I don't think that should stop you being polite? If there was something awful happening for them then they have my total sympathy but as things stand' without knowing that, it does just look like very inconsiderate twattish behaviour doesn't it? :(

OP posts:

CrabbyBigbottom · 26/01/2012 13:00

Sorry but I'd have to add to the general consensus here; I don't think they were ever intending to come. If they had been, they'd have already bought a present and card, and given them to you asap afterwards (or at least mentioned that -'oh we must get together and then I can at least give you your card/pressie'). Unless you specified no presents? Even so, they'd have bought a card.

If I were you, I wouldn't be bothering with them again, and I'd also be annoyed at the rudeness and the wasted £80.

YANBU.

CrabbyBigbottom · 26/01/2012 13:01

Cross posted.

it does just look like very inconsiderate twattish behaviour doesn't it?

Yes it absolutely does!

MerylStrop · 26/01/2012 13:08

I think they were hurt by your invitation
Children of relatives only is a total blunder especially with good friends
It's not unreasonable for you expect them to be a bit more interested in your wedding, but only a bit
Perhaps you should make the effort to talk to your friend instead of wasting so much energy brooding

Or as another poster has succinctly put it.

valkilly · 26/01/2012 13:09

YANBU. Weddings are a messy business eh?

We had 3 no shows on our day and had to pay. I wouldn't have minded so much except they hadn't even contacted us to tell us. One was a friend of DH who was def coming, flights booked etc ( so he told us) but never showed and never really apologised properly - a sheepish "sorry about that" when he finally showed his face saw us a few months later...

The other 2 were a couple. I was very friendly with the woman involved and again, she had talked about flights, booked hotel (and she had booked coz we checked with reception) and even got me to make her a hair appointment (wedding was in my home town so she didn't know where to go). She didn't show at the hotel the night before, a fact i realised about 5am the morning of my wedding. I was vaguely worried but guessed she might have been delayed. Texted her to give directions to hair dressers and confirm appointment time - no reply. Then spent the next 2 days worrying before I got in touch with a mutual friend who was able to track her down. We were very worried about her at this stage. Turned out she had never booked the flights as she couldn't afford it. I wouldn't have minded if she had found a way to tell me that up front ( and do realise she was too embarrassed to) but could never forgive her for making me worry that whole weekend instead of just replying to my texts.

People are strange and things like this do make you realise who your friends are!

Astronaut79 · 26/01/2012 13:12

The childcare thing is bollocks. If we really want to go somewhere, we make sure we have back up plans.

BTW, we have a 2yr old and 3 month old and would love to be invited to child-free wedding (last wedding was sister's and was pregnant), so if anyone's getting married and their guests let them down, give us shout!

Rhubarbgarden · 26/01/2012 13:15

YANBU. It's so hard to trim your guestlist for a small wedding - I'd be so annoyed in your situation not to get more notice so I could fill their spaces with other friends. Definitely let the friendship lapse. I'm sure you have more considerate friends deserving of your time.

FoxyRevenger · 26/01/2012 13:18

I had a 'friend' who, in the run up to my wedding, was centre stage of the usual drama in her life...she was leaving her husband and sleeping with some bloke she had met in her local on the side.

She emailed me the week before and said she wasn't sure who she would bring, she'd decide which of them she wanted to come on the day. I said (short version) er, no.

And she didn't turn up, no excuse, no nothing, £100 down the drain.

I haven't as much as looked in her direction once.

If she really cared surely she could have come to the ceremony and left earlier than planned? One of them could have come for a short time, I would think?

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