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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a bit more of an effort re wedding?

49 replies

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 11:35

Got married a few months ago, was a small wedding, limited as to numbers I could invite due to budget/space at ceremony venue. Invited a good friend and husband who I very much wanted to be there. Explained that due to constraints on numbers only children of relatives were being invited. Invitation was accepted and friend said they (her and husband) would love to come. There was a bit of a hassle with getting menu choices off them, eventually after chasing them up for third time I was told, whatever, we don't care what we have. Fair enough, although possibly seemed a bit rude to me not to even bother looking at the choices and take the time to email what they wanted.
Fast forward to half an hour before the ceremony when I get a text saying "can't make it, been let down re childcare".
Didn't reply at time as a) pretty busy getting married, b) bit pissed off at short notice
Got married, was all lovely.
So AIBU to think that a)perhaps one of the couple could have made the effort to come along whilst other watched children
B) it might have been nice to send a card afterwards saying congratulations and sorry to have let you down (rather than a few vaguely apologetic comments on fb that were actually mainly about how pissed off she was)

I do understand if they were let down by childcare then that's not their fault so perhaps I am BU to be annoyed? I don't know.

It was 40quid a head (probably not a lot to some I know, but we had a budget) and this had already been paid by the time they cancelled, I suppose I wish I had invited someone more reliable in their place. I know they are skins so wasn't expecting a gift, but perhaps a card? I was hurt by it, and further hurt by the fact it doesn't seem to register as any sort of big deal. I'm tempted to just drop the friendship. AIBU?

OP posts:

heliumballoon · 26/01/2012 13:20

We could only afford to have 30 people at our wedding. We had one no-show on the day (apparently she had never been planning to come but omitted to tell us about her change of plan) and another couple who left after the first drinks because they had "another party to go to". At £50 a head and many dear friends left off the list,
I nurse my resentment to this day!

OP The only thing I can say is maybe the childcare thing really upset them, and maybe they didn't realise how small the wedding is. That is the only charitable things I can say!

wherearemysocks · 26/01/2012 13:20

A very good, old friend of mine pulled out at very late notice for my wedding, I was pretty pissed off and didn't get in touch with her after but waited for her to contact me. No card sent either. She made up some naff excuse that I forget now.

I was very after, when she did contact me and explained the reason why. She had, a few months earlier, suffered a mc, she was in early stages of pg again and hadn't yet told anyone and then just before wedding she had a fall down some stairs. Baby was fine but she was worried and didn't want to risk travelling, wedding was in Italy.

I wish I had not been so self invovled and given her the benefit of the doubt a bit more.

northerngirl41 · 26/01/2012 13:27

If she'd been offended by kids not being invited, surely she'd have just said no outright?

Some people don't really like weddings much though and find it incredibly hard to say no to attending them, especially when the bride and groom put so much emphasis on how it's small and therefore they really want them to be there... They still should have declined, but I also think you need to give them a fair way out of the invite too. Perhaps say, "Haven't heard from you on menu choices, it's okay if you can't make it, but I need to know numbers for catering?" or something?

olgaga · 26/01/2012 13:28

You say she's a "very good friend" but it doesn't really sound like there is much of a friendship here to drop!

NinkyNonker · 26/01/2012 13:29

We were very careful to invite partners of friends, even if we didn't know them well. So when I was speaking to my close uni friend after the church service and asked where her long term other half was, to be told that he didn't want to use a day's holiday for it (we got wed on a Friday) I was more than a little . Couldn't believe the rudeness of not telling us in advance, which we would have completely understood! But to just not turn up, when it was obviously a decision and not a last minute thing was shocking, we could easily have invited someone else and not wasted the £80.

Said uni friend left immediately after the food as she had another party to go to. Errrr, thanks.

Helltotheno · 26/01/2012 13:34

wherearemysocks in that case, the girl still could've given some excuse. It's very rude to allow people go to the expense then not show up.
OP it's crystal clear she never intended to go, whatever her reasons, and YANBU to be pissed off that she gave you no notice.

BUT northerngirl41 you have hit the nail on the head. People tend to be far too wrapped up in their own weddings and definitely a lot of the time, give off the impression they'll be insulted if you DON'T go, which makes it difficult for people to refuse even though they should grow a pair and just be honest.

If I were you OP, I'd ditch them and if they make contact, tell them why they're dumped.

MerylStrop · 26/01/2012 13:58

JUST TALK TO THEM

I don't get all these people who have "friendship terminated" buttons to press

I suppose it depends on your definition of friendship.

If one of my good friends let me down like that I would be wondering why,not taking the huff

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 14:10

Is it that unusual/unreasonable to only have children of relatives at weddings? I thought that was a fairly standard thing?

It wouldn't offend me to be invited to a friends wedding without my son, who was one of he children at my own wedding obviously.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 14:14

If she asks me I'll certainly explain Meryl but I can't really be arsed to confront her about it, it seems like more effort than I'm willing to make given the circumstances.

I just wanted to check if others thought my response was reasonable, the overwhelming majority seem to think it was.

OP posts:

TimothyClaypoleLover · 26/01/2012 16:17

No Rachel it is not unusual/unreasonable to only have children of relatives. Most weddings we have been to have had relatives kids only or no kids at all. My friends and I are more than happy with this as it gives us all a day off to enjoy ourselves doing adult things.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/01/2012 16:29

You ban the children, you takes your chances, sorry. Maybe what you've all interpreted as them being difficult was them struggling to find childcare. Maybe they weren't able to have a back up plan, I know everyone assumes there's a queue of willing grandparents and friends waiting to step in and be useful but it sometimes isn't the case.

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 16:34

Thanks timothy I did think it was fairly standard. We would have loved to have everyone's kids there or just to be able to invite more guests generally, but we couldn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 16:37

gwendoline I completely appreciate that it can be hard to find childcare, I have a ds myself and was a single parent until getting married. It wasn't not being able to come that is the issue it was the way it was handled.

OP posts:

TimothyClaypoleLover · 26/01/2012 16:38

I think in an ideal world most people would be more than happy to have everyone's children coming but your guest list would then be never ending and you have to draw the line somewhere.

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 16:39

'Banning' the children seems a bit of an OTT way to put it as well TBH. We weren't able to invite them, much as we would have liked to.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 26/01/2012 17:25

It's a minefield. I also had a small guest list as the registry office only held 50 people. I come from a big family so had to ask just one couple from each branch of the family, like one set of aunt/uncle from dad's side and so on. I dare say loads of people could have taken offence but I figured you are never going to please everyone anyway. All close family kids came but no space for more, though luckily my pals were child free at the time.

Mil told me she couldn't make the wedding before we'd even told her the date Brother in law said he'd check his diary when dh asked him to be best man! (still waiting on reply, 10 years later) and one 'friend' called ten minutes before wedding to say she'd fallen out of bed and broke her ribs

I was pretty laid back about it all, we had a marriage ceremony then a kareoke/chinese/free bar so not a proper wedding do. I agree with the point earlier that guests can feel duty bound to agree to attend as there bride is caught up in the organising, it's a big deal to her. But it doesn't reallly excuse bad manners. I feel like I bang on about manners all the time on mumsnet but everyone's life would be less stressful and complicated if most people observed good manners. A simple RSVP saying no is all that's required.

Ah well...

northerngirl41 · 26/01/2012 18:45

GwendolineMaryLacey Even if they had been offended by the no kids rule, what precisely were they achieving by saying they would come and then not showing up? They weren't making any sort of a stand about their kids not being invited, they were simply wasting money.

OhCobblers · 26/01/2012 20:30

OP YANBU
Some people have no bloody manners.

I would be mortified if had to cancel going to any wedding at such short notice and would be doing everything I could to see B&G after the event with large wedding gift to make up for their financial loss and inconvenience.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2012 21:29

Given that getting to the wedding only involved "either a taxi or a bus across town", surely being let down by childcare would still have allowed one of them to attend?

Original poster

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 21:32

You would think so, wouldn't you?

OP posts:

Irishchic · 26/01/2012 21:38

Your friend has been rude and ignorant. Do you really still want to be friends with her after this? i would just quietly but firmly distance myself from her.

Rhubarbgarden · 26/01/2012 22:16

I just don't get the sense of entitlement some people have that their children should be invited to other people's weddings. Weddings are SO expensive, and venues don't have infinite capacity. It's immensely difficult trimming guest lists to fit available space and budget. Why on earth should a couple invite children they might not even know very well in preference to their good friends? I say this as someone with a toddler and a baby on the way, and no family I can leave them with. If we are invited to a child-free wedding, it means we simply can't go. But that's life. I wouldn't dream of being offended! It's up to the bride and groom who they choose to share their day with; why shouldn't they prioritise their nearest and dearest over people's kids?

redwineformethanks · 26/01/2012 22:55

We had this too. The night before our wedding, one friend sent a text to say she didn't have a babysitter and another sent a text to say her husband had to work. I've never felt quite the same about either of them since, to be honest

dappledownfarmnamechanger · 07/02/2012 21:56

rachel walsh I went to school with a rachel walsh was your dad an art teacher?

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