Crazy crush on a guy from work. Please help me get him out of my head before something real happens.

[MouseInHouse]

I'm fairly sure that the feeling is mutual. Nothing has ever happened, but there is a certain vibe between us that is hard to ignore.

We are both mid thirties, and we have both been married quite a long time (since our very early twenties). We've got 2 kids each.

I am very happy in my marriage. I think the attraction is mostly based on the excitement & flattery factor of meeting someone new, and I suppose this has to be related to the fact that I settled down so young.

I don't really want anything to happen. I could never take the risk of the consequences. But not being able to have him, is just making me want him more.

I know IABU, but just wondered if anyone else has been in similar situation or had any opinions to kick me up the arse help.

Cold shower. Read some of the threads in Relationships about the devastating effects of adultery. Image explaining to your children about your infidelity.

Get a grip on your thought life. Don't indulge fantasies. Avoid contact with him in social situations at work - anything other than being strictly professional. It will pass - it's just an infatuation. Youy are in control. You are not at the mercy of your emotions.

I have nothing useful to add really because when it happened to me I moved jobs so nothing would happen. I feel for you though because that 'crush' feeling can take your breath away sometimes.

I'd like to reiterate what Dee said though..

There will be pain and tears and devastation all round if you give in. Compare a few moments of passion with a life time of hurt that you can have avoided.

Yes, been there. Not worth it. Eventually I moved jobs (partly because of this man). He ended his relationship. I didn't but the itch of guilt and fear is still there. Stay away. Just think of him as another bloke who farts, shits, leaves his socks lying around and what is more can contemplate betraying his wife.

I've been in similar situations. Been with DH for 20 years (I'm in my late 30s now) and we have 3 kids. In the past I have had several passing crushes on men that I worked with. At the time it feels all encompassing - almost obsessive. I acted on some of them (before marriage & DCs) and still regret it to this day.

It has taken me a long time to realise that whatever sexual attraction I feel for someone, it will only be a brief infatuation which will pass. What I have with my DH is so much more. I am still attracted to him and we have built a great life and family together which I would not risk for anything.

Take a bit of time to spend alone with your DH and appreciate what you have.

Great advice from Dee about thought control.

Just remember that you have a choice and you can and should choose not to let the relationship go beyond the professional.

I've always been a bit of a tit for wanting what i can't have.

Even way back in my single days, I always wanted the blokes that I couldn't have. As soon as someone started to show an interest in me, I would go off them.

The problem in this situation is that he shows an interest in me, and I STILL can't have him, thus the desire remains.

Why am I such a dreamer? It is that thought control thing you talk about which I just can't get a grip on. How do you do that?

"Just think of him as another bloke who farts, shits, leaves his socks lying around and what is more can contemplate betraying his wife."

I am an expert on crushes. I have them all the time but I would never do anything about them. I quite like having them as an adult because as a teenager I always had that "but what if he is the one" quandry whereas nowadays I recognise that it will pass.

In my late teens I was the somewhat passive partner in a flirtation with a (30-something) married man. I certainly didn't court it. But he would send me letters, drive past my house, phone me at work... I quite enjoyed the flattery, he was my type and I did quite 'fancy' him. However, one day my friend said. "But what would you do if he turned up on your doorstep with his bag saying "I've left my wife"? Is he the person you want to be with for the rest of your life? Because you'd owe that much to her if you are going to destroy her marriage".

It was a real eye opener because no, as much as I fancied him I suddenly became acutely aware of all his less attractive qualities (like his willingness to cheat). And I had nothing to do with him from that day since. I made my first contact with him and told him to never contact me again.

It did pass.

As will yours.

Every time you find yourself fantasising about him force yourself to vocalise loud, as if you were apologising and explaining to your devastated children why mummy and daddy divorced and broke up their world.

It's just sexual attraction, perfectly normal, and you have the power to control it. So you'd have a small amount of possibly great sex and then what?? How would you feel? How would you face your family? What would your husband feel? How would you look yourself in the mirror each morning knowing that you had brought heartache to the people you love most in the world? Is that pain and self loathing worth a few orgasms?

And if you did leave your husband and run off into the sunset with the new bloke - what happens when the reality of mundane living sets in? When you are bored of picking up dirty socks and get irritated when he picks his toe nails in front of the telly or some other disgusting habit? Do you look for a new bit of "interesting stuff".

You know in your heart that you are not the kind of person who could do that to your husband, so stop torturing yourself, remember lust is all just chemical brain reactions and move on.

You really want to do it?

Go around his house and stand there in front of his wife and children look them in the eye and ask.

After being on the receiving end I would never understand how a woman with kids could do that to another mother. Or anyone for that matter

Well I think you are being very brave posting this on here. FWIW if you are realising it is a crush then im sure you will be able to deal with it much better.

I wish more people were honest and open about having feelings for other people whilst being married, if we were we could recognise crushs for what they are and not read to much into them such as; it means your marriage is unhappy, or you need more excitment, or even worse, you must be falling in love with the person you have a crush on.

I think you realise these things so you should be able to get over it in time.

The worst bit about it is that I am pretty sure that if we were both single and available, I wouldn't actually be that interested.

I think we'd still get on well, but I don't think it would go any further than that.

It is the slight zing of attraction, mixed with the forbidden fruit element, along with the fact that I have spent the last few years having babies and haven't felt flattery like this in a long time, that is proving to be a lethal combination.

It's really not that I think he could ever really have been 'the one' or anything like that.

Exactly, keep this in mind and you'll be fine!!

The worst bit about it is that I am pretty sure that if we were both single and available, I wouldn't actually be that interested.

That's the bit you need to remember!

You've already recognised it for what it is.

Tbh, I don't think it automatically means there are problems in your own marriage. My DH isn't perfect but our marriage is pretty good and I'd never want to leave him. But I do have crushes because as much as I love DH and still get excited about seeing him. He's the first person I tell my good news to, he's the only person I feel truly comfortable around and he is incredibly supportive of everything I want to do.

But it is nice to think that someone else finds you attractive. I know exactly who the last person was who had a crush on me and it was about 7 years ago. It would be nice to think I wasn't 'past it' now!

my neigbour cheated, here is what happended

husband found text
husband went nuts and beat her up
she got police involved
court cases
her in laws hate her, and her family are sympathetic but ashamed of her
she has been in court many times
now she faces moving house, as husband is away
now she only sees her kid 4 days a week
now she has to work FT as she cant afford to care for her kid

Its a fucking MESS

I watched the disintegration of a zingy flirtation to a sordid and painful disaster, in the office I worked in many years ago. At first it was all eye contact and giggling and disappearing off to the canteen together and lunch breaks going off in his car. Everyone else used to roll their eyes and smile in an indulgent manner. Then they had a weekend away together to be followed by some frenzied phone calls, him looking more and more haggard. And then finally his wife turned up with kids in tow - tearful and angry and dumped a pile of bags in reception for him. He drove home to see her leaving his gf in tears in the office. Cue cups of tea and lots of 'don't worry he won't go back to her'. Well he did. Until she kicked him out. And he wasn't interested in the gf after that 'cos it was her 'fault' somehow. The fairy dust faded quite quickly on that one....

I think your problem is that you have your husband now, he's safely yours and so a large part of that fizz, that attraction has gone with the security that a relationship affords.

So now you want something forbidden, but as soon as you got hold of him, you'd go off him again.

There is something about the mundane and ordinary that is spectacularly un-sexy.

Yet, speaking personally now, my husband is the father of my two gorgeous children. Watching him bond with his children makes my heart leap. As a couple we've been through so much together, he has supported me through depression, held my hand during childbirth and has been my rock through family troubles. He does little things like make me a cup of tea, sews my clothes for me, kisses me on the forehead every morning when he goes to work and I'm still in bed. He still fancies me and gives me hugs and he looks at me like no man could ever look at me.

Would your fancy guy at work do all of that I wonder? Yes he might be more thrilling, more of an excitement but could he and would he ever love you as much as your husband? Would he put effort into your relationship? Make a good dad? Support you when you needed him?

You fall into lust, but the man you love is your husband. Lust is a dangerous thing as it can ruin everything you hold dear and take that deep love your husband feels for you, away. And for what? A one night stand? A stolen kiss? Then how long before he begins to bore you and you start to look elsewhere?

Put the time and effort into your relationship that it deserves. Book a meal out with your husband and remind yourself of what attracted you to him in the first place. Watch how he is with the kids, watch their love for their father. Do something tiny for him tonight, something unexpected, just a little act of kindness. Rekindle that love and the lust you experience will come back for your husband.

time to get closer to your DH and put a bit of zing back into that relationship its flattering, fun and exciting to feel like someone lusts after you and thinks about you. Now tell your DH that you need to chat and tell him that you need a bit of romance and attention, give him some extra attention too and see if you can't get back the zingy exciting feelings with him instead. you already know the work thing is just a dream, dream it and move on. resurect what really matters to you.

Oh rhubard just said it sooo much better than me.... that's just wht I meant

Do you think it is possible to carry on a bit of a flirty flirty relationship with a colleague and for it never to develop into anything more?

Especially if you never take the step of arranging to meet outside of work?