Crazy crush on a guy from work. Please help me get him out of my head before something real happens.

[MouseInHouse]

I'm fairly sure that the feeling is mutual. Nothing has ever happened, but there is a certain vibe between us that is hard to ignore.

We are both mid thirties, and we have both been married quite a long time (since our very early twenties). We've got 2 kids each.

I am very happy in my marriage. I think the attraction is mostly based on the excitement & flattery factor of meeting someone new, and I suppose this has to be related to the fact that I settled down so young.

I don't really want anything to happen. I could never take the risk of the consequences. But not being able to have him, is just making me want him more.

I know IABU, but just wondered if anyone else has been in similar situation or had any opinions to kick me up the arse help.

MouseInHouse, were you listening at all?

Tell you what, that's fine for you to flirt so long as you are ok with your husband doing the same with a very pretty little work colleague of his own. And of course he will also convince himself that nothing will happen even though he's sorely tempted and so is she.

But I presume you'd be fine with that right? After all, what's the harm eh?

I think you have to be so careful. It's your professional reputation too. People at work will notice the flirtation and think less of you and gossip about you.

Listen to rhubarb! listen to rhubarb!

Okay, okay, yes I was listening. I know you are right

I could easily get the zing back in my relationship with dh given half a chance.

If I imagine myself single and faced with a choice of these 2 men, it is dh every time. I not only love him, I still fancy him too.

The problem is that I just never get the chance to indulge this with dh.

We have 2 very young children. Both very demanding. Both rubbish sleepers. We have zero family support, and no-one to look to for baby-sitting at all.
We go to work, come home, get to bed early (kids sleep with us) and have had NO time alone in many years.

You and hundreds others. Thing is, this lust you feel is very selfish and you know that. You want your ego stroked, you want to feel sexy and wanted and are willing to take what you perceive as a small risk just to get your kicks. He is probably thinking the same. He has a wife at home, running around after small kids, exhausted. Not quite the same woman he met who was single and sexy, who could wear tight fitting clothes and who would indulge him in sex every day. Now she's tied up with the kids and he's bored. So he catches your eye and starts his own little fantasy with you.

Thing is, you could well be that little wife running around after the kids whilst her husband has his ego massaged by some selfish and bored woman at work.

I'll bet your dh also misses that thing that you both had before kids came along. How would he react if he knew that rather than focus on him, you were putting your energies into some "harmless" flirting with a male married floozy at work?

I suggest you start to look at the bigger picture. Sure, keeping a marriage going and keeping that zing in a relationship is hard work. You can't have it all easy you know. You may be addicted to that first buzz of lust but you'd end up a sad lonely old woman if that's all you went for. Stop thinking of yourself for a change and think about your family and your marriage.

Make changes. Start getting the kids in their own bed. Start making time for each other. If you both work, then both schedule a day off and grab some lunch whilst the kids are in nursery. Rent a DVD and get the kids off to bed whilst you plan a night in with a bottle of wine. Start putting some effort in and the rewards will soon pay off. You don't need a babysitter, we don't have one but dh is taking a day off work next week and we're out to lunch. You can work around any problem, it all depends on whether you want to or not.

Im assuming the kids go to nursery whilst you are at work ? Why dont you and dh take 2 days off work and drop the kids at nursery, indulge yourselves!

Then, set about getting the kids to sleep in their own rooms, God knows there's lots of advice on here, use it and work on it and start to get some alone with your dh again, beginning with bed time.

Good luck!

Ah! Crossed posts with rhubarb!

There are reputable baby sitting services out there, many run by qualified CM earning extra cash. Why not phone a couple and see if there are any that you get on with? That way you can have a romantic evening out.

Or take some time of work together and do something romantic - many very posh restaurants have amazing lunchtime deals and you can have some alone grown up time, rediscovering each other. Life doesn't have to be mundane just because you are a cosleeping parent.

It's boredom, been there and had a huge crush on a colleague.Fantasising and going out to lunch, nothing untoward ever happened.

Then his wife left him for another man, he was devastated. I actually then really got to know him well as he confided in me and you know what, I don't fancy him at all ! In fact myself and DH knew his wife and him as a couple and went out. There was and is nothing wrong with my marriage it was just a bit stuck in a rut. He actually said he wished we had met when younger and started getting flirty after his wife had left him and the difference between reality and a fantasy is huge , a massive chasm.

The good thing is it made me realise what I have, a really decent DH and I must admit looking through the relationships board over the last couple of years is petrifying. I am horrified at how some women are treated. I have name changed for this as DH knows my user name.

No, because the more you focus your emotions on Mr Married Office Flirt, the less you notice your own husband and your family, and that is a vicious circle that soon can spiral out of your control.

Do you want your husband sad? Do you want your husband to wonder why you are so cold? Have gone off sex? Put two and two together and turn elsewhere himself?

By taking part in this flirtation you have already left your marriage. Emotional affairs can wreck the same havocs as real ones. So no, you cannot continue it, as you are firing you own imagination for no good reason at all.

It saddens me that they can make time to flirt with each other, but are failing to make the time to flirt with the people who love them dearly. So you'd stroke the ego of a possible cheater but won't do it for your husband?

You're right - it is a bit sad.

The only defence I can offer is that, I don't 'make time' for flirting with this man.

Work is the only part of my life where I am an adult and an individual, and no covered in baby-related mess of some description.

I get a glimpse of the old me, and that is a big part of the attraction.

I've never met up with him outside of work and can't see how I would ever be able to 'make time' for that even if I wanted to. As you say, if I has the opportunity for that it should be directed at my dh (and probably would be).

You need to be the old you with your husband. I second the idea of finding baby sitters, and doing adult things together. You need to keep your relationship with your husband alive, rather than dreaming of what is on the other side of the fence. This is not away to keep your marriage young and fresh amongst all the baby care!

Look at this flirtation as a message that there is something lacking in your life.

You need to change this. Not find another man. Set time for yourself and your husband to be a couple, and grown ups, and spend time together without children now and then, so you can reunite with your own identity as a grown woman in a relationship, an not "just a mother".

My fantasy thoughts are getting out of control really

Worrying.
Lots of good advice here.
Take it.

No, I'm not of the wind up. Do I really sound that much of a nob?

I'm not even in work and I can't stop thinking about him.

And yet I am sure that if this ever got to the point where I could actually have him, I wouldn't want him

So ,why still thinking about him?
Seriously, are you very young?

OP I will not slate you for thinking about him - I think posters who do have probably never experienced this for themselves.

DP has some ED issues and we don't have sex as much as I'd like. I have had a number of inappropriate crushes over the years, most particularly one right now which is really not a good idea. I get a bit obsessive over these and find myself thinking of him constantly.

But. DP is always better. DP really loves me (suspect my guy is a bit of an arse deep down) and is the one lying next to me in bed. And when we can have sex, it's good. This is my real life. And the crush will go. I limit time spent thinking about it but don't cut it out - that is unrealistic IMO - also I KNOW I will never even hint at it myself, because I value my professional reputation too much.

Things to ask yourself -
Do other people at work notice? - if so you need to deflect that sharpish because it does matter and people won't take you as seriously.

Does your DH know? I realised I was bringing my guy up too much (we work on sth similar so it happened quite naturally) and have now curbed that.

Why are your DC sleeping withyou? Not being judgy but that sounds like the root of the problem - you must be massively sexually frustrated. Funnily enough after we do manage sex, I hardly think about OtherBloke at all.

Park DC somewhere else at night (easier said than done, I'm sure, but I think you need to) - have a series of early nights - keep it professional in front of the bloke - and if that hasn't started to change things in 2-3 weeks, then maybe you do have a problem.