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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad that this girl was murdered?

43 replies

redwineformethanks · 24/01/2012 21:36

We were at school together in 1980's, to be honest I barely remember her, but just discovered tonight that she was murdered abroad in about 2003, possibly by a drug dealer boyfriend or his acquaintances.

I feel very moved by this, but I know if I discuss it with DH, he will be very practical and point out that we weren't close friends. I'm feeling quite tearful about it.

AIBU to be sad she died in such sad circumstances, even though I would probably never have seen her again if she'd been alive and happy?

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 24/01/2012 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
redwineformethanks · 24/01/2012 21:42

Thanks, isn't it so awful? Even though I barely knew her and hadn't seen her in years, it just seems so horrible.

OP posts:
CocoPopsAddict · 24/01/2012 21:42

YANBU at all.

I suppose it's kind of like you've lost part of the innocence of your youth, thinking that life was going to turn out well, and for one of your peers, it really, really didn't. All that wasted potential.

FoxyRevenger · 24/01/2012 21:43

Of course you're not BU.

A boy from my class died of an OD a few years ago. He was a really sweet boy in school, not the brightest, and was often used by the nasty crowd to get into trouble for their amusement...Sad

I think that was the start of his unhappiness really and it made me very sad for a while; he was such a lovely soul with a gorgeous smile.

Original poster
redwineformethanks · 24/01/2012 21:45

FoxyRevenger That's very sad too.......

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Adversecamber · 24/01/2012 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redbunnyfruitcake · 24/01/2012 21:58

Not at all. A few years ago I shared a desk with a woman in my office but she was off sick the whole time so I only knew her through the photos of her children pinned to the noticeboard and from what others said of her. Then I happened to meet her at a self help group and got to know her a little (people at work did not know about this group and did not know I knew her through it) until one day I came into work and was told that she had committed suicide. I was devastated. My colleagues must have thought me mad because they didn't know I knew her outside of work. I explained all to my boss and close friends and attended her funeral with other members of the self help group but it all must have seemed very strange to my colleagues.

The point is that I was deeply affected by this event even though I knew this woman only a little. For someone to die in such tragic circumstances is awful and I felt sad for her lovely husband and children too. I think it reminds us of how fragile life can be and how difficulty and death are not just on the telly or over there somewhere. It is part of our life and the people around us including the ones we grew up with.

Have a good cry and say a prayer (doesn't matter what you believe in just do it for comfort). I know I grieved alot after this lady's death, can't really explain why but that's just the way it is sometimes.

troisgarcons · 24/01/2012 22:00

I found out a girl I went to school with died of sickle cell, only 2 or 3 years after we left - so that was mid-80's. It makes me sad because although she was just a good acquaintance, it's an unfulfilled life.

So no you aren't BU to be upset, it shows compassion.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 24/01/2012 22:03

A girl I went to school with was murdered (by her boyfriend too) a few years back, her body found in a field wrapped in a rug :(
She still pops up in my dreams quite often.

TroublesomeEx · 24/01/2012 22:25

YANBU.

I'm saddened when I find out anyone has been murdered.

When it happens to someone you know, however tenuously, it does bring it to your door. Sad

StayForNoone · 24/01/2012 22:30

Yanbu.

Four months ago I found out my ex fiance had died three years ago and despite the fact we never worked out and weren't even friends since we split, I was still very sad. I think as a previous poster said, it's a part of your life. And when something bad happens to someone you knew, no matter how well, it feels that little bit closer to home.

AngryFeet · 24/01/2012 22:36

A boy I dated briefly in my teens was murdered along with his girlfriend by a policeman in Thailand. He was shot in the head and she tried to run away but he chased and killed her too. I found out on the day my dd was born as I asked DH to go and buy the paper so we could keep it as a memento and his picture was on the front page :(

A girl in my class at school died at 25 from breast cancer only 3 months after having a baby.

Along with the 3 friends who committed suicide and the other who was killed by a drunk driver i have lost quite a few friends/aquaintances in tragic circumstances. Always a shock and very sad :(

GoingForGoalWeight · 24/01/2012 22:38

((Beyondthelimits))

YADNBU

I think I can safely speak on behalf of the majority of people. When hearing about a murder they feel a certain level of sadness. But when it is a persoin we've known, it might bring the reality home to us, that it could happen to ourselves too.

cakeismysaviour · 24/01/2012 22:46

Of course YANBU. There are three (yes three :( ) of my old classmates in the same graveyard as my Grandad. I wasn't close to any of them, but I cannot visit my Grandad's grave without visiting their graves too. It always makes me emotional to think that I am living my life and they didn't get live nearly enough of theirs.

:(

marshmallowpies · 24/01/2012 22:51

Always a shock to find out years after the event, when it's someone you remember from your past.

This happened to me when I was reading online memorials to the victims of 7/7, on the first anniversary of the event, and saw a name that was vaguely familiar. I clicked on the name and discovered it was a girl from the year above me at school.

I was on the tube myself when the 7/7 bombings happened (on a different line) and was caught up in the chaos of it all, so I felt very affected by the whole event whilst not being personally injured - but to to find out a year later that someone I had once known had actually died that day was a terrible shock.

Any life that ends so suddenly and tragically is bound to affect people who remember them, even if only slightly - whether it's a life full of promise cut off suddenly or feeling that a person who was showing signs of being troubled back then has spiralled out of control. We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel affected by it.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 24/01/2012 22:53

Dammit, its on my mind now! :( (Does not help that I'm pregnant and overemotional...)
I spent my first ever breaktime at high school with her. I can picture her in my head without even thinking about it. I can't believe she is dead and was killed in such an awful way. I cant imagine how bad it must be for people who were close to her.

babybythesea · 24/01/2012 22:56

It can also go way back - I was 7 when a little girl in the class below me died. I knew her and had sometimes played with her at playtime but we were a year apart and that is Very Important when you are 7,so we weren't friends particularly.
I still think about her, 30 years on. I suspect if she had lived I would have forgotten her by now but every so often I think of all the things I have done,all the growing up I've done, and feel sad that she will never get that. All she had were those young childhood years that, to be honest, barely show up in my memory. That's what I find hard to comprehend I think - that these years which I can barely recall were all she had. And now with my own daughter running around, i can see the loss her parents had in more stark detail - all the firsts that they will have been only too well aware she missed - I am finding that I am sad all over again from another perspective.

yellowraincoat · 24/01/2012 22:56

It is sad when someone we know dies, even if we didn't particularly keep in touch. Especially maybe when it's someone from our childhood - we can remember them as a child and that makes it so poignant.

I feel the same about a girl I knew at school who died in a car accident. I wasn't really good friends with her, but we grew up in a tiny village and we were together from Primary 1 til the end of secondary. She died just a couple of months after school finished and I find that so sad.

delphinedownunder · 24/01/2012 23:00

Circumstances like these make you appreciate the fragility of life and the randomness of tragedy. Someone I knew well enough to have a conversation with and who I'd been out for a drink with two or three times was murdered a few years ago. She had a fight with her boyfriend and he strangled her with her dressing gown cord. At the time she was drinking lots and so was he and they were living in some squalid flat. Her parents had told her they didn't want to see her until she had sorted herself out. Just tragic and such a waste.

Original poster
redwineformethanks · 24/01/2012 23:01

Yellowraincoat - your post reminded me of an announcement at secondary school about a family who were killed in a road accident. I didn't even know them, and yet I still remember the name of the girl who was the year above me at school.

Sometimes I really do think it's lucky we don't know what's ahead of us.

Sorry this thread is sad and depressing.........

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Original poster
redwineformethanks · 24/01/2012 23:02

delphinedownunder - That's another tragic story. No comfort there......

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ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso · 24/01/2012 23:03

baby your post has hit a chord with me as DD1 recently (last year) lost a friend in the year below her year. Sad for you and DD1.

NoMoreMarbles · 24/01/2012 23:08

a boy i knew in school died of an epilepsy related brain injury last year and i felt very sad about it when i heard.

i also felt quite guilty as i barely said two words to him in school and then when i turned 18 he bought me what turned out to be a REAL diamond necklace and i just mumbled a quick thanks as i wanted to be off away with my friendsBlush turned out he had quite the crush on me and i just dismissed himSad

he had added me as a friend on facebook about 3 months before he died and he was very much a charity orientated fella, fundraising and marathons and such-like. genuinely nice guy from all accounts of those who knew him. very sad.

imaginethat · 24/01/2012 23:13

Eight of my peers were killed in a plane crash. It was very tragic, and for me a strange experience as I was no longer in touch with any of them yet I kept thinking back to our time together and then flicking back to the present when they were all gone. Later, a sister of one of them sought me out for memories of her brother. It was a very special meeting and I was so happy to listen to her and tell her what I remembered of him.

hifi · 24/01/2012 23:16

two people i have known have been murdered in horrific circumstances,its devastating for the families. both were leading secret lives,lots of things fittted together after their murders,thing i thought were odd at the time.