to think this shouldn't be MY fight?

[girlynut]

DP's mum and step-dad have a barn conversion in La Rochelle, France. Bought as a dump a decade ago and have done up to a beautiful standard with 3 bedrooms, 3 receptions, patio, garden and swimming pool. My MIL put in most of the money (she's partner in a law firm) and her husband did most of the building decorating work as that's his trade.

We've been there several times before, with in-laws and without, both before and after having our 2 DSs. My parents have taken friends there. DP and I have taken my brother and his wife down. So far, so good.

BUT this year I asked MIL if we could use the house for a week in Aug and take my cousin, her husband and 2 children, as they haven't had a holiday since before children were born and money is tight for them. As the children are similar in age (7yo, 6yo, 3yo and 3yo) I envisaged them all playing in the pool while we got piddled drank wine on the patio.

MIL said yes so I merrily arranged dates with cousin and booked flights. MIL now tells me that her husband says we can't go! Reasons range from "it's for family only" (even though they rent to complete strangers), "I've put a lot of work into it and don't want things broken" (we've never damaged anything before and would obviously replace any breakages) to "it's my house and i say so!"

MIL is incensed and was very upset. She dotes on my DP (her only son), me and her grandkids and I think her husband is a little jealous, as he doesn't see much of his son and grandson who live in Germany. She told me we'd have to talk her husband around and that if he refused she'd divorce him because she's so fed up with him making her feel bad about her entire family. (She's from a large Indian family and has many siblings who he doesn't seem to like)

She's now cleared off to Egypt with her sister for a fortnight and told me I'd have to discuss it with her husband and get him to agree the trip. AIBU to think she should sort this out? She said yes, after all, and surely as the one who put all the money into the property she should be able to agree who visits? Don't see why I should have to deal with the mean-spirited arsehole.

Sorry for length of post...

problem openly, not problem opening! I don't have one of those!

OP... you're going to have to tell your cousins and CANCEL the holiday. Do that first, get it out of the way.

MIL and SFIL obviously haven't communicated effectively on this and at the end of it, they're a couple and MIL is not going to stand behind this decision otherwise she would have. She's not dealing with it - you'll have to. SFIL has told you why he's angry and it sounds as if he's wanting to regain their property before he'll feel happy about letting others stay in it again. He mentioned the paying guests - obviously income is a sticky subject and that's down to his relationship with his wife. Perhaps she has always made it clear that her money has paid for the property - so he's asserting his equal interest because of the labour he put in.

Leaving a mesage on the answerphone was risky and it didn't pay off - too much detail that presented as a fait accompli that you were going there, regardless. Ditto the travel cot. You and MIL have blundered through the arrangement, knowing that it could blow up, but hoping for the best. It didn't pay off.

I think you've known all along that your SFIL doesn't feel the same way but took tacit approval from your MIL that you could use the house. It's a bit like, as a child, playing off one parent against the other, even though that might not have been what you intended. In spite of your MIL's grandstanding and flouncing, she isn't ready (and may never be) to distance herself from her husband - and that is where her loyalties are, make no mistake about that.

In your position, I'd tell my cousin now to give her a chance to get a cheap break somewhere else. It would be a disaster if you take what you think is the easiest option of seeing how things 'pan out' in the distant hope that it will all work out - it won't, not this year.

Much as it isn't your 'fight', it's YOUR responsibility to sort this out so that your cousin can make other plans. Do that and the pressure is off, you'll feel better. Needless to say, make no further attempts to book yourself or anybody else into the house.

Aww . Try not to cry, this can be sorted.

When are you due to fly - have you time to look for cheap accommodation in the area? I'm thinking camp site, b&b. Can your mil put you in contact with anyone or is there a tourist information locally.

Looks like your mil has been hiding her head in the sand over this

Poor you. Sounds like you've got stuck in the middle of a complicated domestic between Mil and Fil. People's unwritten 'rules' about others' use of their holiday home are IME irrational and emotional (as they are entirely entitled to be). FWIW I don't think you were unreasonable to ask, and to assume that MIL's permission was on behalf of both of them.

However, given that this shitstorm has now developed, it would be madness to do anything other than withdraw gracefully and apologetically, refund your cousins' flights, and make alternative arrangements. And never ask again. Your relationship with your PIL sounds great in all other respects - not worth buggering up long term over one aborted holiday over which you were all well intentioned but evidently at cross-purposes. So annoying to have wasted the money and the emotional energy, but take control of the situation and draw a line under it now and be glad of the good holidays past, and the loving support of your PIL going forward.

It sounds like your inlaws relationship may be ending and you have just been unfortunate to have caught up in it all. Why else would he need some 'capital behind him'?

If it were me (but caveat, I'm a people pleaser so this may be terrible advice) I'd write a letter apologising for appearing to take advantage. I'd back right down and again offer some rent or mention looking at camping etc and fully accept (however grudgingly in my brain) his right to say no.

Which is sad and crap and completely not your fault, but there you have it.

I wouldn't use the argument that your cousin hasn't had a holiday for ages to your sfil as why should that be his problem?

I agree with everything PrecariouslyBalanced said.

I think he has as much right to say how/when the house is used as she does, and who put most of the money in is irrelevant - it is not a business partnership, they are married.

I think he is becoming a little cheesed off with the gradual slide into a situation where it is being treated as a communal house, and the frequency/ease with which it is being used by people who are not immediate family and yet who are not paying the going rate in rental. (he has a point)

Do they still rent it out to strangers? If not, then I can see why they no longer want it used by people they don't really know - perhaps they did it in the early days to help cover costs and now they want to keep it more personal.

I think perhaps he is feeling a little taken advantage of, and so would I in the circumstances.

Also, having so many small children in the house at once is bound to cause issues with wear and tear/safety and perhaps he feels uncomfortable at that. You say you have never damaged anything before but maybe he has noticed small things that he has put down to children (grubby fingerprints on walls for example) and he really does not want to open himself up to much more of that.

Of course the MIL and he should have had frank discussions about this long before you booked flights, but maybe she refused to face up to his feelings and now he has put his foot down and she is a bit embarrassed by it.

I think you and your DP need to speak to him calmly and politely, and ask him about how he feels. Explain that it is awkward to cancel now as your cousin has spent out on flights, beg him to allow you to go and promise you will take extra care and pay for anything that needs putting right afterwards, and that you understand that in future it is for IMMEDIATE family use only. That means just you and DP and the GCs.

I feel sorry for all parties.

Right him a short note, apologising that he had been unintentionally kept in dark, explaining that you do see his point of view and understand why he is so unhappy about all of this and that you will look to find alternative holiday accommodation. Emphasise also that you really hope there will be no ill-will falling out over this, as the last thing you want to do is have people feeling as if their views weren't being taken into account whereas you do of course respect his wishes.

This isn't about you, it's about his sense of self-worth and status in his relationship with MIL. Leave them to sort it out and look for a camping option in the area - it will be cheaper than new flights. Chances are if you apologise (even though it's not your fault) and acknowledge a bit of respect for him (even if you don't think he's 'earned' it), you might be able to turn things around and have him relent.

Oh dear what a mess.

The only chance you have, albeit a very slim one, is to see him face to face once he has calmed down. You need to listen to what he says and thrown yourself at his mercy. Do not argue no matter what he says. Just accept whatever is thrown at you and ask him to reconsider. Blow some smoke up his arse if you need too.

I agree talk of capital is concerning, as is talk of bills it suggests bills mil is unaware of.

You can't/shouldn't get involved in their marriage. It does seem tgat maybe this is his way of putting his foot down when he can't stop her doing other things like babysitting or giving you money.

I wouldn't cancel the flights without first checking to see what alternatives there are accommodation-wise. If you plan to refund your cousins flights anyway, you might find something that doesn't cost too much more.

Blimey-can´t believe that you didn´t cancel & look for somewhere else.

I would have thought it quite obvious that MIL wouldn´t "convince" SFIL.

I wouldn´t want to spend time in a property that one of the owners didn´t want me in.