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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be contemplating not going? And WWYD?

40 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 24/01/2012 08:42

Mixed feelings on this one. Know it's not really a big issue but I don't want to upset the IL's.

When I was a child, any shows/school performances etc were attended by my Mum as my Dad worked all the time. No grandparents attended etc. I didnt know any other way so it never bothered me.

My DH's family all go to school shows/extra curricular activities etc - that too is fine in my eyes. They have the time and it's just their way.

Niece has a ballet show coming up. She has been practising for it for months. It's been mentioned by SIL and MIL. SIL has said she understands if we don't go to see it as we have baby. But did lightheartedly suggest we go on seperate nights.

MIL has also mentioned it and suggested we go on seperate nights.

I have been non-commital up to now.

Now if the show was a Saturday afternoon there is no question that we would both go and if baby (4 months) kicked off one of us could go outside.

We have baby in a great routine when we are at home - but it doesnt work so great when we are out past bedtime as baby cries, refuses milk etc (it's a struggle when we are out (very rarely) but we deal with it as it works so well at home - we consider ourselves lucky).

My issue is that DH works all the hours and often weekends, so bedtime with baby and then the few hours after for us are precious.

The shows are at night.

So, we either go together and if baby kicks off so be it and we deal with it. Or we go on seperate nights meaning DH has to finish work early two days in a row and we don't see each other for those nights.

Or ... we don't go.

When our child is of that age I'm really not bothered if Aunties and Uncles don't go to shows - but I know that's just because of the way my childhood was.

So - AIBU in considering not going? Or should we just go seperately?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 24/01/2012 08:45

i would go together and take baby. one night out of routine won't hurt.
i think it's lovely to take an interest and go and see the show, and it will help with family relations!

OnlyANinja · 24/01/2012 08:45

Any child who is taught to expect not just parents but also grandparents and aunts and uncles to attend all of their performances is being set up for a big disappointment when they realise that they are not the centre of everyone else's world.

Fine for you to go if you want, not fine for anyone to pressure you into doing it if it's not convenient or to lead the child to expect it.

tryingtoleave · 24/01/2012 08:48

I grew up without any extended family and I think it will be the same for dcs Sad so I don't k ow what is normal. But I think it would be nice for one of you to go. Both not necessary. Also, is dn any good? I don't think I would want to sit through hours of awful little girl bopping, but if it is a decent concert that she has worked for that is different.

TheParanoidAndroid · 24/01/2012 08:49

I wouldn't be going, and not because of the baby either. Are second cousins twice removed going too?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 24/01/2012 08:50

Why do they want you to go on different nights? Are there slot of performances and they want to make sure someone is at all of them?

WillbeanChariot · 24/01/2012 08:51

I would suggest just DH should go, his family. Then it's only one night. He could tell them he can't finish early twice.

cheekyseamonkey · 24/01/2012 08:51

YANBU IMO, you can't force someone to go to an interminably dull a delightful performance like this. I can't believe you're expected to go, whether or not you have a baby.

If baby can be given a bottle of ebm, could you ask one of your in laws to babysit & you & hubby go together o. A separate night to them & maybe make a bit more of a night of it (for what it's worth this wouldn't have suited us at this stage of dd1's life co's of her routine my mental state).

Alternatively, tell them it's not convenient & maybe next year you could make it. Presumably if it's such a big deal, she will do Nother one?

Good luck.

gardenplants · 24/01/2012 08:58

Get your DH to go with his family. Do any of them have taping facilities, iphone/camcorder etc. Say you will watch the recording at home with baby.

civilfawlty · 24/01/2012 09:01

I would literally rather eat my own arm than go and watch any child other than my own give a performance unless they were the next nuryev.

trixymalixy · 24/01/2012 09:05

My aunt always came to see us in shows, it meant a lot to us as children. Yes it'll probably be deathly dull for you, but your neice would probably be very excited to see you.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 24/01/2012 09:10

It's nice that they want you to go and be involved with your DN. I think you are being a bit mean really, what harm is it going to do for your to go? So the baby might cry and you have to go outside and settle her, so what? That's life with a baby.

I don't believe rigid, set in stone routines are best for baby anyhow, and I'm sure you would be prepared to deviate from the routine if it was something that was important to you. The fact that it is important to your dh's family matters too.

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/01/2012 09:11

If it were reasonably easy to go then yes I would go because it's nice for a child to see their family. However, it doesn't sound like it is going to be easy for you so I wouldn't go - send DH on his own.

And it sounds as if your ILs would like you to go, but they are not being difficult about it. They have only mentioned the possibility of you going on different nights. Some people ask, doesn't mean they expect you to agree.

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2012 09:14

I think they're being a bit PFB about her

But having said that, if you do want to go...why not ask your SIL or MIL to babysit?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 24/01/2012 09:14

I wouldn't go, but I hate my neice with the fire of a thousand suns. I only go and watch my own children in plays, concerts etc, and that's because they want me to, not because I want to - not that I would ever let them know I am anything less than enthralled and thrilled with whatever they do, but it is a particular torture and it is only my own DCs that I love enough to put myself through it.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 24/01/2012 09:15

Second the sending DH with his family and you stay at home with baby. No pressure for you to go then.

iscream · 24/01/2012 09:23

You say she has been practicing for months? Are you close to this little niece?
Does she call you auntie and run up to you when you see her? Is your husband close to her?

My dh and I would go and bring the baby. If the baby made a disturbance, the one whom your niece is closest to could stay in the seat and the other take the baby outside to settle.
With a 4 month old, I'd only go for the time your niece will be on, and leave right afterwards.

iscream · 24/01/2012 09:26

Or, as an alternative, you could ask someone to video it for you, to watch at home.

upahill · 24/01/2012 09:28

Blimey!!

I don't even buy my nephews presents or send cards let alone go to performances.
My SIL is the same with mine.
BUT GET THIS, we are close and friendly!!

I wouldn't go unless you really really wanted to tbh.

DeWe · 24/01/2012 09:56

It would never occur to me that aunts and uncles would want to see my dc perform.
My dd's perform in roughly 5-6 performances a year that people could be invited to. Some overlap, but add in ds's 2 performances and you're looking at:
a) quite an expense if you have to pay for them
b) a lot of perfomances.

She might find it exciting to have aunt and uncle in the audience, but I supect if you always attend it won't be exciting, just expected.

I'd suggest dh goes to this one, and gently withdraw from a certain number. If you plan on attending if she's got a particularly good role, when it will be so much more special to have you attend because you don't always.

ChippyMinton · 24/01/2012 10:01

I wouldn't go. Nothing more tedious that watching other people's children perform. And I wouldn't expect other people to come and watch mine either.

Invite them to show you the DVD, then they can fast forward to her bit.

shemademedoit · 24/01/2012 10:01

If the only way you can go is with the baby, please don't. I'm speaking ad a mum and a music teacher. Any noise is unfair to the kids that have worked so hard for the show. Even if you leave at the first grumble, there's still a distraction, and then you walk out mid performance which can be just as off putting...

sleepyinseattle · 24/01/2012 10:09

There's nothing in the OP that leaps out at me which suggests you want to go, and want advice on the practicalities.

The only things that do leap out at me are: expectation, duty, not wanting to offend your in-laws, major hassle to your routine/DH's work commitments.

Honestly, there's nothing that could make me go to this. Entirely different if I was desperate to attend, but that isn't the case here.

JUST SAY NO.

What else are you expected to do, I wonder?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 24/01/2012 10:18

God no- don't go! I had to go when it was my own children and even that was hell- you watch a couple of hours of other-people's-children dancing not-very-well, just to glimpse your own child for 30 seconds and say you have been.

if you're not really into watching other-people's-children dance, it is torturous. I eventually took mine out of ballet, just to avoid the damn shows! Nothing would persuade me to sit through that for anything other than my own child, and I can't expect your SIL/ MIL would expect you to!

Floggingmolly · 24/01/2012 10:32

Bloody hell, don't go! These things are for parents only, and possibly doting grandparents, when she's performing in Covent Garden it might be a bit different...

Gribble · 24/01/2012 10:57

nah I wouldnt go

that is all

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