Not taking vulnerable toddler to visit elderly relative

[slowburner]

my elderly relative lives alone, they are incontinent and although they have care in many times a day the house is in a terrible state. They refuse to get a cleaner, refuse to accept there is a problem and my parents are going utterly round the twist trying to get the situation resolved.

At Christmas we didn't see this relative as they went elsewhere. I am expected to take my 18mo to visit this relative tomorrow to receive gifts for DC, a toy which I suggested to the elderly relative as I knew it would become a favourite toy (and pretty important for physio too) but I am flatly refusing to take DC due to the risk of transferring germs.

My DC is teething and chews on absolutely everything, licks furniture, chews shoes, refuses to be held and wants to run around so just popping in for 5min and keeping toddler on my lap would result in a meltdown. My DC also has a complex medical history, we've continual open access to childrens assessment unit and I feel it's my responsibility to keep my child safe, and for me to go alone to pick up these gifts.

AIBU and PFB?

YABabitU. Surely you can just pop in for ten mins and keep DC on your lap if you're not happy with the environment?

is your elderly relative able to leave the house? perhaps a joint short trip to a garden centre tea shop with your parents to help entertain your DC?

i can see why you are a bit concerned, but it would come across as really rude & grabby if you appeared at their house to collect gift without the child.

Elderly relative won't leave the house as it is too cold outside, and toddler sitting on lap just doesn't happen.

Quite apart from elderly relative wanting to hold DC, stroke DC's hair, on one occasion elderly relative stuck a finger in DCs mouth to see how many teeth my child had.

I have a DC the same age. If it was me I would not take him. I think it would be nicer for the relative if you could spend more time there, talk about things and give them your full attention and kindness. You can take some photos of DS to show them - just say he's a bit poorly today.

I'd feel rotton just dropping in for 5 mins, acting distracted, taking a gift and then bombing off. Much nicer to make a bit of fuss of the relative - sounds like they are having a difficult time. YABU to not want to take your DS.

YANBU I mean!

YANBU.
However, elderly relative may not agree.
Can you tell a big fib and say your DC is ill? But make up for it by visiting with the relative a bit more yourself?

It's really not my character to be rude and grabby, it makes me very uncomfortable to be considering it, but having been on high dependancy last year willing my DC to keep on fighting I am rapidly readjusting my priorities in life.

Of course the simple thing to do would be to go out and buy the damn toy for DC.

Can you meet elsewhere or take short walk to the park? Is your ds immuno-suppressed and that's why you're worried? Does elderly relative have illnesses eg open sores mrsa risk or is it just general dirt? imo you have to make the decision you are happy with and take it from there. I can see times when I would have refused to go places, even at risk of upsetting someoen. You can always say he has d and v and you were worried about relative catching it

Have you got a gift for them from DS? A scribble picture or even a small bought gift?

I suppose it really depends on the "complex medical history" and susceptibility to germs.

Would you take your child to a busy playgroup? Or visit a farm park? If the answer to those is no, then you are not being unreasonable to not take your child to the relatives house.

If you WOULD take your child to those, then I think you really need to sit down and work out if the risk of germs from the relatives house is REALLY much greater from these situations. I would suspect not (but then I haven't seen their house, so can't be sure!)

YANBU, considering the vulnerability of your toddler. Most toddlers can withstand a few germs but it sounds like yours might not easily be able to. Your first responsibility is to your child and you'll just have to decline as kindly and politely as possible to avoid hurting the feelings of the relative.

Sounds like you've already made your mind up, tbh.

Trust me when I say don't feel pity for my elderly relative, the situation they are in is completely reversible and I did visit regularly until my DC was born very ill. Everyone in my family has attempted to improve the standards of the house and everyone has given u under a barrage ins manipulation and thinly veiled insults.

How was elderly relative able to go elsewhere for Christmas?
Implies able to leave the house and weather not really a problem

Has someone else questioned your decision? Just wondering why you would post an AIBU if you are fairly convinced YANBU.

Sounds like you don't like relative much.

sounds like you don't really want to visit regardless of your DC, and usingit as an excuse, as you are despairing and rather judgemental of their situation.

BTW they can't help being incontinent.

I would take DC to a playgroup but not to a farm park, we follow very strict hygiene procedures at home and so does the nursery DC attends. The issue DC has cause a low threshold to seizures caused by infection.

Oh that must be so hard! I wonder if the manipluation and insults are a kind of defence mechanism - whether your relative knows very well the problems but somehow doesn't have the will / resources / whatever to fix them, and hates being reminded because they know it all too painfully anyway? If s/he has carers coming in daily, I wonder if they could have a longer term view in terms of encouraging him/her to try and stay independent and healthy for as long as poss? Maybe there might be a mental health issue on this that HCPs cuold help with...? (and obviously, there might well not be...)

But that's all in the future...for tomorrow, it could be v. stressful trying to take your dc. Could you go on your own?

Of course YANBU. Am amazed that anyone would suggest that you were. I am a carer for my elderly MIL. She has dementia and when she was going through a very bad patch I did not take my DD to see her (even though MIL loved to see DD) because her behaviour could be extremely disturbing and sometimes abusive, DD was about 7 at the time. Sorry, I love my MIL but DD comes first.

Just say your DC is a bit poorly, really don't feel bad about it.

I don't like what relative is doing to my family no, but I was unsure about wether I was being PFB or sensible. I did used to visit more regularly but they don't live particularly nearby (over an hours drive).

I don't see there is anything to be judgemental about, they live their life however they choose too, I'm not blaming them nor suggesting they could avoid it. I do think they could improve the hygiene standards in the house if they want small children to be brought round though!

I'm going regardless tomorrow, I will explain why DC is not coming inside.

As for going outside for Christmas, well that was their decision and strangely enough they could cope that day, but not any day since.

I must bow out as I hate getting into bunfights over the elderly.
But genuinely sorry to hear your DC is so vulnerable.It must make everyday life like shopping and visits to parks and coffee shops so difficult.

Germs?

Oh the hysteria, Surely this a kiteflying thread?

Parenting is not as we thought it would be that's fir sure, but luckily there is quite a lot of difference between a coffee shop/park and the disgusting floors that my child would be asked to play on at my relatives house.