Not taking vulnerable toddler to visit elderly relative

[slowburner]

my elderly relative lives alone, they are incontinent and although they have care in many times a day the house is in a terrible state. They refuse to get a cleaner, refuse to accept there is a problem and my parents are going utterly round the twist trying to get the situation resolved.

At Christmas we didn't see this relative as they went elsewhere. I am expected to take my 18mo to visit this relative tomorrow to receive gifts for DC, a toy which I suggested to the elderly relative as I knew it would become a favourite toy (and pretty important for physio too) but I am flatly refusing to take DC due to the risk of transferring germs.

My DC is teething and chews on absolutely everything, licks furniture, chews shoes, refuses to be held and wants to run around so just popping in for 5min and keeping toddler on my lap would result in a meltdown. My DC also has a complex medical history, we've continual open access to childrens assessment unit and I feel it's my responsibility to keep my child safe, and for me to go alone to pick up these gifts.

AIBU and PFB?

Whats a kite flying thread? I'm quite sane and real I assure you.

Yadnbu - if your relative will not accept help then why should you put yourself through a visit? Let alone a child.

Slowburner, I too am the parent of a medically complex child who has open access to hospital. If I were in your positon I wouldn't take him there either. I would not risk several weeks in hospital just so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. If that's selfish then that's what I am and will remain so. Our job as parents is to keep our children well if we can. Wilth any kind of medical issues which warrant open access then what for most kids may be a simple tummy upset caused by some germs, could for your LO turn out to be a very lengthy but avoidable, stay in hospital. I'm with you 100% :)

Seriously, I cannot believe anyone would think YABU!

And trois have you actually read the OP? The DC is question has serious health issues, it's not something to be flippant or sarcastic about.

Do you have or could you borrow a play pen/travel cot?

That would keep your DC in one clean place (although maybe VERY noisy :o) and you can use the excuse of 'restlessness' as a get out of there soon card.

I'm not sure I understand why you are accepting a gift ( actually suggesting a suitable one) when you hold these people in contempt because of the way they live their life and can't let, or don't want your child to be part of theirs?
Surely you should have declined the offer of a present in the first instance as you knew their situation and must have had long held reservations about visiting with DC?

Hmm, the play pen could be a good idea, I don't have one but could borrow one for another occasion.

I'm going to go tomorrow with some up to date photos and to assess the situation, if it's better than last time I went I'll take DC in but if it's worse I'll calmly explain the reason why. Elderly relative used to scare the pants off me, tbh after the last year of medical crap I think I am numb.

Oddly enough I receive and buy presents for family and friends up and down the UK who I don't get to see face to face for an exchange. I don't hold them in contempt, I just want to protect my child.

I was told they wanted ti buy DC something, I suggested an item. The house and DCs health have both declined over the last six months so last Christmas it wasn't an issue.

I would have thought that you could have popped in and kept her on your knee for 10 minutes.

I think there must be a compolex underlying condition which requires open access. Usually only the most vulnerable children have open access. I don't think Op is talking about something which most children could have.

For example, in my DS's case (he also has open access) he would potentially end up in hospital, on and IV for a week or more and potentially ending up on TPN (which is where you are fed straight into your bloodstream) if his gut didn't sort itself out.

Wish it was all it was, febrile convulsions are a part of it, the ones which DC has had in the past triggered additional severe seizures which led to status. DC also has other health problems which can be made worse during bouts of infection and we have been told to be proactive in keeping toddler as well as possible. We had to have all the immunisations in hospital.

Even nursery has been asked to be scrupulous with hand hygiene, they've been really great so far.

I'm pretty sure I am being PFB + neurotic mother + overreacting BUT another week in HDU really doesn't appeal.

I'm not sure I understand why you got yourself into this predicament as you don't like them or their situation. When asked what would DC like for Christmas why didn't politely decline or suggest a donation to DC's health research charity?

Hugs Slowburner and here's to many hospital free months. XX

Our DS was 5.5yrs before we managed to stay out for more than 2 weeks at a time(35 hospital admissions in 2009, many of which were +2 weeks) Now he's usually only in for surgeries etc and rarely gets ill - but it does take a fair bit of work to keep him well.:) Hope you get some time for you xx

I think you are completely right not to take your little one into an environment U know could be harmful. Tbh i wouldn't take my toddler and they don't have the health issues hours have. I'M surprised so many people have posted sarcastic / negative comments, why should she put her child at risk just to please other people.

YANBU to take your child, but I think YABU to suggest a suitable gift in the first instance, as you must have guessed you woud have been expected to take DC along to receive it
Hope DC's condition improves soon

Thank you all and goodnight, heres to many hospital free weeks in 2012 for our toddler and to your DS mumtosome

:) :) . Ignore all the comments re the gift. She's a relative and asked what to buy. It's her hygiene that's the issue not her, per-se. xx