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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a short relationship because of these reasons.

33 replies

hmmmfrazzled · 23/01/2012 21:01

To cut a long story short (I've namechanged for this) I met a guy online 4 months ago. We've spoken everyday since we got talking online and had a few dates and meet ups with our children.
We attempted to sleep together Friday night. Just before we were about to try it he confessed he hasn't slept with a woman in 8 years (he only broke up with his ex a year ago!) He couldn't get any kind of erection at all, despite saying he wanted to so much. I do feel sorry for him but I don't think I could be in a sexless relationship. I'm 10 years younger than him. I also discovered he had really bad psoriasis and his half of the bed was literally covered in flakes of white skin.
I know he can't help either of the above problems but I just couldn't live with either of them. I felt really squirmish changing the bed and had to do it as soon as I discovered (he'd gone by then)
Am I totally selfish for wanting to finish things? He is a nice guy but I no longer feel physically attracted to him anymore :(

OP posts:
LoveHandles88 · 23/01/2012 21:03

If there's no lust in the beginning I think it'd be doomed from the start anyway tbh.

catgirl1976 · 23/01/2012 21:04

If you don;t find him attractive there is no future. You can't stay out of pity - nor would he want you to

JaneFonda · 23/01/2012 21:04

YANBU, or selfish.

You've only known the guy in person for four months, it's hardly the most serious relationship ever. (That's not meaning to sound patronising,I hope you understand the way I mean it!)

At four months, if you're not physically attracted to him, I don't see the point of continuing to be honest. If this were a marriage of 20 years or something I could understand, as you would still love your DH and looks aren't as important, but it's not.

You're not being selfish, but if you feel this way, then don't keep dragging it out if you want to end things.

yellowraincoat · 23/01/2012 21:04

You don't have to stay with someone just because you feel you should find them physically attractive.

Spose it depends how much you like him.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/01/2012 21:05

Why are you bringing your kids on dates? Apart from that YANBU, if you don't have passion it's a non starter IMO.

pigletmania · 23/01/2012 21:05

I would not continue with the relationship tbh, if your not attracted to him than there is no point.

JaneFonda · 23/01/2012 21:05

I might be a little biased though, I did boak when I read about the skin. Shock

ISayHolmes · 23/01/2012 21:05

YANBU. You can end a relationship for whatever reason you please- you're not obliged to stick around and try and work through his problems with him after mere months. You're not attracted to him, end of.

LadyBlaBlah · 23/01/2012 21:06

Sorry but that description of skin flakes made me feel a bit ick. Sure he's lovely, but erm, yuk

ledkr · 23/01/2012 21:06

Not selfish,only if you carry it on. Im sure stuff like that would be easier to deal with if you really liked the guy.

learningtofly · 23/01/2012 21:10

Well the psoriasis could be sorted to minimize it - mine is truly horrendous and there are some fab treatments out there but really that's a decision he has to make for himself. Dh has never had a problem with it so I wonder if its more of a basic attraction thing?

Original poster
hmmmfrazzled · 23/01/2012 21:11

Thank You, I have been feeling awful over it. I just don't know how to end it. He has text me so many times today and I said like a wimp I was out of credit :(
Children only think we are friends etc.. We just took them to bowling, soft play etc.. as both single parents. He is such a lovely person, so different from ex partner yet I was attracted to ex. However, like you say if it's doomed as early as 4 months then it would be foolish to continue. I know I could never have him in my bed again as I would be too squirmish, although I understand it must be awful for him and he can't help it.

OP posts:
SnapesDoxy · 23/01/2012 21:12

YANBU, you can end a relationship for any reason you choose.

learningtofly · 23/01/2012 21:12

Ps a good hover works marvels on a flaky bed ;)

Original poster
hmmmfrazzled · 23/01/2012 21:21

How would you recommend telling him it's over? Dating game quite new to me as was with ex a while.

OP posts:
weevilswobble · 23/01/2012 21:29

Incredible that you got to 4 months before this became apparent. Really feel for you. Has he been able to talk about the ED?

lola4lee · 23/01/2012 21:38

Don't feel bad at all you shouldn't be in a relationship that you need to question for any reason as it will not make you happy.
As for breaking it off it does depend on the relationship, I usually opt for in person but if that is a bit of hassel, such as having to travel a fair distance then telephone is the other options but any other method is a bit wimpy, just tell the truth (without detail) just that you don't feel it going anywhere etc
Best of luck x

mojitomania · 23/01/2012 21:45

When I was dating I ran off from someone who had an extra large head, someone that had a limp, someone that had dirty finger nails, someone that had grey teeth, someone that had hardly any. I could go on for eternity about MY no no's.

Mind you I had a 5 year relationship with a man who was paralised from the boobs now and in a wheelchair.

So don't feel the slightest bit bad. Dump by phone or if you feel real bad then by text, so what. An end is an end.

mojitomania · 23/01/2012 21:46

now? blimey, i meant down... bloody spell check

doggiesayswoof · 23/01/2012 21:48

Yep you can end it and you should.

As someone with skin probs I can honestly say DH has never found it an issue - he says it's not relevant, the attraction is there anyway. OTOH there is no attraction for you here so time to move on. Life's too short. Same goes for the guy - he could be back out there looking for someone else.

aurynne · 23/01/2012 21:56

Funny how we women feel "obliged" to go on a relationship we don't feel comfortable about, and guilty for wanting to break it up. Blokes never have this problem, do they?

frazzled, I would recommend to be brief and to the point. Dragging it will be painful for both and very cruel for him. Talk to him and tell him you just don't see the relationship going anywhere and wish to end it. You don't need "excuses".

Original poster
hmmmfrazzled · 23/01/2012 21:59

Thanks. We genrally text anyway, lots/ I am going to have to be a big wuss and politely say by text he's a lovely guy etc... but I don't think we can be together and wish him all the best I guess. He is also on my Facebook.
He has never mentioned the ED although he said his ex cheated on him twice since their daughter was born 8 years ago he didn't mention to me until Friday he hadn't had sex in those 8 years. If they only split last year I can see why she cheated :( I haven't had sex since March and it's killed me, thought I was in with a chance Fri lol. Although we did 'other things' it's so not the same...

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 23/01/2012 22:05

"it's not you, it's me....." is probably the gentlest, but I think if he gets all funny then just say you know you couldn't be content with no sex.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/01/2012 22:07

YANBU - it doesn't matter what the reason is, if you don't want to be with him, end it. It would be selfish to keep seeing him when you know there's no future in it. If you were madly in love with him, the skin problem wouldn't be a problem - you'd help him find a way to minimise it, but you don't love him, so it's just yuk. ED issues are something you deal with when you love someone - he was with his ex for 7 years & didn't deal with it. If it's not something that can be sorted out, he needs to discuss that before it gets that far, if it is he needs to get it sorted. You don't love him enough to deal with it - that's OK. I would try to tell him in person if possible - it's the kindest way. I guess you will just have to tell him that you like him, but that there's just no chemistry for you. Good luck.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/01/2012 22:07

Oh god no. If someone makes you physically repulsed, there is no way it's ever going to work. You need to end it now - I feel sorry for him, but you can't help the way you feel!