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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend that if she ever wants to be happy SHE needs to change?

33 replies

NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 10:49

My best friend is turning 30 this year.

She has never had a boyfriend, she has been on maybe one or two dates. She has had lots of one night stands.

She is incredibly unhappy but won't admit it.

She gets drunk to the point of staggering around like a tramp and pounces on unsuspecting men until one is willing.

She is massively overweight and unhappy about it, but does ridiculous fab diets and then binges.

She doesn't want to end up where she currently lives, she doesn't want to move home, she wants to move to australia because "she would meet someone she wanted to settle down with there and that is where she wants to have children"

I want to shake her and tell her that moving won't change her she has to be able to make herself happy then she will find someone wherever she is! SHe is only interested in very attractive men, she dismisses possible men for ridiculous reasons like "wrong shoes" etc etc

She is lovely and caring and friendly (when sober) but now has a reputation as being a bit of a joke and a drunk.

I want to help her, not make her feel worse about herself.

WIBU to tell her straight?

OP posts:
MuckyCarpet · 23/01/2012 10:51

You can tell her but she won't listen.

She needs an epiphany.

Technoviking · 23/01/2012 10:52

She needs to sort out her self esteem or she'll never get out of this cycle.

If you're a close friend, you could tell her, yes. Doubt she'll thank you initially, though.

Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 10:54

Mucky Carpet I agree she needs an epiphany, or to hit bottom. But when going to a party and trying to song the birthday girls boyfriend, breaking your foot and not remembering is not bottom, I think she needs help!

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Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 10:55

I am her best friend we have been friends since we were 4 so maybe I am too close? I couldn't shock her if I tried.

OP posts:
RoughShooting · 23/01/2012 10:57

Why don't you buy her some counselling sessions as a 30th birthday present?

Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 10:58

Seriously RoughShooting?? I still want to be friends, she would never speak to me again.

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thepeoplesprincess · 23/01/2012 10:58

Is it awful that your post made me think of Janet from Gimme Gimme Gimme's reverse body dysmorphia?

I think you need to get her to tackle her alcohol problem before worrying about men or moving.

MuckyCarpet · 23/01/2012 11:00

In that case, I'd see her as a lost cause. Wouldn't want to be involved in that kind of crap.

Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 11:01

I think you have the reverse body dysmorphia spot on! She was very slim for a short time and I think she still feels like that inside

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Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 11:02

So you would just drop a lifelong best friend rather than try to help her?

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MuckyCarpet · 23/01/2012 11:02

I don't think you can help her.

Gumby · 23/01/2012 11:04

Maybe suggest doing exercise together - Zumba class's look like fun for example
Instead of going to pubs , clubs suggest the cinema

unreasonableannie · 23/01/2012 11:05

tell her that booze makes you put on weight like nobody's business

RoughShooting · 23/01/2012 11:05

No, twas a joke, should have utilised a Grin after my post! Although it's probably what she needs!

Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 11:05

I would Gumby but we live too far apart. I have to talk to her about it I just have to think about my wording.

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Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 11:06

Ah ok RoughShooting you are right though it is exactly what she needs!

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BsshBossh · 23/01/2012 11:09

Perhaps have a serious heart to heart with her then never mention it again. Hopefully something you say will sink in, though she may not change her ways all at once, if at all. Have the talk, leave the subject alone thereafter and continue to be her friend.

dandelionmind · 23/01/2012 11:12

I have a few friends like this (not the drinking but the men thing) they are also hitting mid thirties and I dont understand why when we go out as a group and get chatting to some really nice blokes - ok so they might not be model hunks but they are lovely and friendly - these girls dismiss them entirely.

I wanted to introduce an old male friend who is single and the nicest guy (with lovely eyes and smile) and one friend v rudely sent another over to whisper in my ear that i was not to bring him over to chat because he is slightly balding !

what i dont understand is that at uni they snogged much worse looking guys but now suddenly they are picky ( even though they arent exactly models themselves )

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 23/01/2012 11:15

If you keep doing what you are doing, you keep getting what you are getting.

Saw it on Dr Phil many moons ago, but it is so true I don't think you can do anything, she sounds quite sad and a bit immature.

ViviPru · 23/01/2012 11:16

My friend was a like yours in some ways and had this fixation that if she lived abroad she'd meet someone.

I was sceptical but I just provided a sounding board for her without expressing my honest opinion. She went abroad, it was a disaster, she couldn't get a professional job, made friends but struggled to meet anyone really, then she had some illness in the family and spent a fortune on airfare backwards and forwards as she was locked into a lease on the other side of the world.

She hadn't addressed the core root of her issues, so no wonder it didn't work out. She's now back and if anything, worse off. Its two years down the line yet she's taken steps backward financially and professionally. She admits it was a mistake.

She has told me that it must have seemed madness to me at the time when she went (it did) but recognises that she'd have still gone anyway regardless of what I'd said.

She frustrates the pants off me but she's a great friend so I'm glad I never tried to tell her straight. She's a grown woman. People have to work it out for themselves.

aldiwhore · 23/01/2012 11:18

Hmm. She won't admit she's unhappy? So maybe she isn't? Or maybe she just doesn't want to change.

I assume she does moan to you about all sorts of things?

You can't change her. You can tell her straight that she can't moan to you if she doesn't want advice.

Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 11:18

ViviPru good advice I think I'm going to listen, offer advice and let her learn from her own mistakes. I would hate to lose her as a friend.

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ViviPru · 23/01/2012 11:19

:)

AlpinePony · 23/01/2012 11:20

You can't help her. :( One of my best friends is not dissimilar - we made a pact at the end of 2007 to turn our lives around. I'm now married with my second child to be born in a few weeks. She's still in a self-destructive "relationship" with a man she met online on the other side of the world.

I've tried to talk to her without negativity and there are lots of "I know, I know" but I guess she doesn't want to change.

She'll be 39 this year and the marriage and children she claims she craves will slip further away. Still, there are always carpark assignations.

Original poster
NoMoreCakeOclock · 23/01/2012 11:20

aldiwhore I have asked her if she is unhappy she says no, BUT when she is drunk she alludes to her unhappiness. I know her so well I know she is just burying it. A distant mutual friend once stopped me and said she must be so unhappy to get so drunk and act as she does and this was someone who gets quite drunk herself, so it is quite obvious how unhappy she is.

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