To tell my friend that if she ever wants to be happy SHE needs to change?

[NoMoreCakeOclock]

My best friend is turning 30 this year.

She has never had a boyfriend, she has been on maybe one or two dates. She has had lots of one night stands.

She is incredibly unhappy but won't admit it.

She gets drunk to the point of staggering around like a tramp and pounces on unsuspecting men until one is willing.

She is massively overweight and unhappy about it, but does ridiculous fab diets and then binges.

She doesn't want to end up where she currently lives, she doesn't want to move home, she wants to move to australia because "she would meet someone she wanted to settle down with there and that is where she wants to have children"

I want to shake her and tell her that moving won't change her she has to be able to make herself happy then she will find someone wherever she is! SHe is only interested in very attractive men, she dismisses possible men for ridiculous reasons like "wrong shoes" etc etc

She is lovely and caring and friendly (when sober) but now has a reputation as being a bit of a joke and a drunk.

I want to help her, not make her feel worse about herself.

WIBU to tell her straight?

You can't rescue those that don't want to be saved.

I agree with aldi.

You can tell her that alcohol makes her drunk not irrresistable but personally I would heed the old warning 'If in doubt, say nowt'.

What kind of work does she do? Is she happy in that?

Maybe encouraging her along those lines would help -- getting a new job or promotion would buck her up and perhaps get her to settle down a bit.

Also, sometimes moving abroad does really help. I was much happier after I moved to the UK, obviously it didn't solve all my issues or make me 'normal' overnight, but it was a new adventure and I had a less destructive social scene and that sort of put me on the path toward improving myself a lot.

telling her she needs to change will most likely upset her tbh, she needs to see it for herself. (I am just re-reading a Marian Keyes book on a similar subject, called Last Chance Saloon - maybe give her a copy of that?! but don't say 'you remind me of Tara!')

wrt moving abroad - why not support her in this idea? suggest a year abroad somewhere, and help her find a job (if possible). I found my year abroad (for uni, admittedly) was brilliant - I was in a new place, meeting new people, and actually met DH there. What kind of job does she do, and could she get a transfer abroad for a short period? Not necessarily in the english speaking world, in fact a foreign language would be ace, out of her comfort zone and all that.

however, the thing that jumps out at me most of all is the drinking - could you say to her kindly that the drinking worries you, and maybe she should speak to a professional about it? that could segue into some sort of counselling, maybe?

As she is turning 30, maybe also sit down one evening with her and make a list of things you both want to do before you turn 31, and that could be another way to guide her towards realistic goals! you could mention counselling as something you've always thought you should both do to (I don't know) 'clear away any issues from the past 30 years of our lives, so we can make the next 30 years amazing!' or some rubbish like that :o

(I should add, I am also about to turn 30, am overweight, but apart from that I am happy! but I did have counselling in my early 20s, which helped me a LOT. cn't recommend it highly enough tbh)

Would it be possible to help her in 'baby steps'. She possibly feels overwhelmed by all her problems/habits and doesn't know where to start. Perhaps as someone looking in you could offer help in a specific way.

Suggest both giving up booze for lent, sponsership walking, take up yoga, meditation - evening classes, something small and easy to start with - and if you want to help, then help her make it happen rather than just offer advice. I.e book lessons, make out it is something you really want company too. Play to her strengths, you said she is caring?

I have a sister who has depression, if I offer ideas, suggestions to help her life - she usually says "yes, but" - but I plant the idea in her mind and then back off. Sometimes months later she occasionally follows up that idea.

Best of luck

If she is rejecting decent men, it sounds to me like she is actually afraid of rejection herself! In fact everything you've described seems to reflect some kind of deep-seated self-loathing :(

If you really want to help her, the best thing would be to help build her self-esteem. Maybe invite her on a girly weekend and give yourselves a makeover (massage, haircut, clothes shopping...) if you can afford it. Or encourage her to take a course/develop her career (albeit with a view to moving overseas if that's what she really wants).

Talking about her issues will likely have the opposite effect, however, and damage her self-confidence even more. Although I do agree you should try to discourage her from drinking so much (when she starts to get tipsy, suggest leaving, or switch to soft drinks yourself and offer her the same thing).

She doesn't sound happy to me either, like she is desperate for love and that she is abusing alcohol.

Sadly nothing you say will change her. I have a very dear friend who has several interrelated issues, including a problem with alcohol, eating disorders, sleeping pills and depression. Watching her fall apart was one of the hardest (and, yes, angry-making) things I've ever experienced. A friend and I played good cop/bad cop with her (friend trying to get her to see reason and me just listening).

Her rock bottom only came after she spent 5 days sitting in a freezing cold flat with no food, only cigarettes, diet coke and wine - the boiler had broken and she was too far down the slope to organise someone to fix it, or leave the flat to get food. An ex bf dropped by to say hi and found her sitting there and was absolutely shocked. She realised she couldn't fake it or hold it together any more and finally went to rehab. She's not great but she's alot better.

I like igetcrazytoo's baby steps - we did manage to get friend to come to yoga with us a few times and she loved it, then we'd go out and drink green tea and she'd have less time to go home and drink afterwards.

If yu can get her to go to counselling, it would be fantastic. I don't know anyone who doesn't benefit from talking to a trained, neutral listener tbh.