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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for wanting OH to keep his memory in his own head, not mine?

89 replies

2kidsintow · 22/01/2012 21:12

Where's this?
Where's that?
What day are the kids on school dinners?
Are you getting them from the childminders or am I?

etc...etc...etc...

OP posts:

QuacksForDoughnuts · 22/01/2012 22:37

YANBU! My stock answer these days is 'up your arse' or sometimes 'under a duck'. (the latter because I lost something just after we moved in and it turned up under a duck - not a real one...)

BagofHolly · 22/01/2012 22:38

I feel your pain. DH rang me at a Christening to ask me where I'd "put that steak we bought yesterday." Where the actual frig do you think I might have put it? Yes, in the fridge. Our one fridge. Apparently it "wasn't the usual packaging" cos it was in butcher's wrapping instead of pre-packed Tesco, and this difference made it utterly invisible. He was with me when we bought it, but that was of no relevance as he "didn't know he had to memorise what it looked like."
And breathe.

CrabbyBigbottom · 22/01/2012 22:38

Oh dear. Totally the other way round here - am always begging DP to remind me of things because I've got early onset dementia I'm not very good at all at remembering day-to-day things. The other night I even persuaded him (we were in bed and I didn't want to go down and find my diary to write in) to set his phone alarm to remind him to text me to remind me to send a close family member a birthday card.

DP comes home and says 'any dinner ideas?' bless him, never ever 'what's for dinner'.

sunshineandbooks · 22/01/2012 22:40

Buy him this

CrabbyBigbottom · 22/01/2012 22:42

at Quacks. Can I use those on my DD? She's the only one who asks me where things are now, as DP knows there's no point.

"Mummy, where is that piece of paper that I drew on and then made into an aeroplane and shot it at the dog and it went in the rabbit's enclosure?"

"Up your... Under a duck, darling."

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 22/01/2012 22:44

My OH loses the ability to nagivate if I am in the car.
Even if we have been to the same place a gazillion times he will ask me 'which way is it again?'
It drives me insane

So if I am driving I have to navigate and if HE is driving I have to navigate.

He will also ask things like 'should I give him lunch?' WTF are you asking me for? If its lunch time and he is hungry you dont need my permission to feed your son.

babybythesea · 22/01/2012 22:48

I'm weeping with relief that it isn't just me.

The weird thing is that DH is known for being anal about being clean and tidy at work - he has strong words with anyone who does not put stuff away and rants about time wasted by looking for something that was not stored where it should be.

So why does this man not come home? What happens on the drive between there and here? His collegues and I seem to agree that the man using his name at work and the man using his name at home look the same but there is a definite personality shift.

I went for the 'leave it where he left it and when he can't find it it will be his fault' but couldn't stand the mess, and with a toddler carrying random things about he did actually have a valid point on occasion when he looked for things that were subsequently revealed to have moved. (Not often, but enough to make him feel vindicated). So now I have a two drawer approach. One drawer upstairs and one drawer downstairs, and if I find stuff lying about, it goes into a drawer.

We do have a calendar but I also adopt the approach of telling him a few times in the run up to anything happening. And saying 'If you forget this it's not my problem - I'm telling you now that you do know because I have told you and it's on the calendar' when it's anything really important. That way I can say - remember, I told you that I've told you and it's not my concern if you forgot? He is starting to remember to check the wall calendar but it's the third year of using one...

babybythesea · 22/01/2012 22:55

breathe - my DH admitted to tuning me out but tried to say in his own defense that he listened to the important stuff. I pointed out that until he'd listened he didn't know which bits would be the important bits - he hadn't thought about that??!!!!

He then went through a phase of saying 'terracotta' (from some advert) whenhe hadn't been listening. Thought it was cute and laughed hysterically at himself. Met with stony faced silence enough times to start to realise it wasn't as funny as he'd maybe thought (by about the fiftieth time I was losing patience!) Now I ask a random question at the end of things which forces him to admit he wasn't listening. At which point I can then lay a guilt trip on him for ignoring me when I'm trying to sort out our family life. Doesn't work long-term but at least I get an apology out of it,and maybe even a cup of tea!

randommoment · 22/01/2012 22:57

Neither DP or myself have the faintest idea where anything is in this tip. We both ask DD2, who usually knows. What are we going to do when she goes to Uni?

BagofHolly · 22/01/2012 22:58

I send DH emails, sometimes when we're in the same room, so that he can't look at me wide eyed and say "You never even MENTIONED that your mother is coming/the builders start today/we have twins etc etc". And I insist on read-receipts.

randommoment · 22/01/2012 23:00

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/01/2012 23:15

YANBU! This happened today.

DH - "Where is the cheque book? Don't let me forget the cheque book...remind me to look for it later..."

Me - "I put it there for you, look for it now."

DH - "I'll look later...remind me later on...don't let me forget it."

Me -

Something similar happens almost every week.

lurkingaround · 22/01/2012 23:16

Love the 'read receipts' holly!
All the above posts are me. DH has just asked me why I'm snorting hysterically. I told him about this thread and he is not amused. Gone all snotty and self-righteous.

Triggles · 22/01/2012 23:16

It's call "using Man-Vision" in our house when DH is looking for something, as it's usually right in front of him (much like the coin covered with a sheet of paper scenario). DH is dealing with depression, so his memory for this type of thing is (if this is even possible!!) worse than normal!

startail · 22/01/2012 23:16

"I do not know where your, keys, wallet or phone are."
"I have not moved your shoes."
And "No!I haven't brought your coat!"

The first I can just about stand because I loose my own keys and phone, but his shoes and coat are his problem!
I have myself and the DDs to sort out. I am not going to find his flaming shoes and coat as well.
I'm sorry, but if he doesn't throw his own coat in the car he is going to get cold!

startail · 22/01/2012 23:20

That reminds me I'd better email him to remember parents evening
To be fair, his works lap top takes so long to log on to the system, it is easy to forget why you wanted the diary ap. opened.

CaurnieBred · 22/01/2012 23:24

Even DD7 has commented "daddy isn't a good looker" . . .

AllPastYears · 22/01/2012 23:51

Oh absolutely!

Years ago, before we had kids, his parents came to visit us one Saturday. Well, really they came to visit him of course. After he got off the phone arranging this, I said, "But you're away at a race that day." "No, I'm not," he said. "Yes you are, it's on the calendar and how come I know what you're doing better than you do. You'd better phone back and tell them to come a different weekend when you're free."

But this was in the days before he'd learnt to say no to his parents, so he refused to change the date , and they came and spent the day with me and were probably rather puzzled.

valkilly · 23/01/2012 01:13

BagofHolly I am still laughing at the steak in the fridge story.

Just now as I was brushing my teeth DH asks "have you seen my iPod?" Me: "Not since DS had it earlier. Was it in your coat pocket when you went out earlier?"
DH: (pause) "Er no, but it's in my back pocket now" Slinks off sheepishly while I almost choke on my toothpaste...

methsdrinker · 23/01/2012 01:18

we call then wheresmees in this house. I don't want to hear wheresmeees I shout in dispair as I step over them.

I also say quite often" you can look but you cannot see".

It always me shake my head in dispair when I see a police finger trip search ands it a long line of men??? as if they will find anything. ever. either that or the training is intensive and months of it.
They need one women every 100 yards they would find the murder weapon in seconds ;)

Gauchita · 23/01/2012 02:12

YANBU, at all.

I also go for BagHolly's email approach. It works quite well, he now stores everything on his phone and doesn't make me feel murderous forget as many things.

What drives me up the wall is this sort of questions:
"Where are DD's pijamas?" / "Where do we keep DD's trousers?" / "Where are all the jumpers"

DD is 2.7 and things are more or less in the same place all the time. And if they aren't, it's not that hard to look for them!!

I also agree wholeheartedly with JustHecate's theory (and I've been putting it in practice for a little while now), the less you "help" them with these things, the more attention they pay. And yy, they use our memory because a) it's easier and b) because we let them.

Gauchita · 23/01/2012 02:14

Sorry, BagofHolly" not BagHolly*

girlsyearapart · 23/01/2012 02:38

Gauchita- exactly same questions here from my Dh ' where's the dds this that & the other..' probably in the same place as they have been for over 4 years!!

Methdrinker- still laughing about the police search!

girlsyearapart · 23/01/2012 02:40

Oh and OP Yanbu ( you should've reminded me to post that in my previous post )

Toomanycuppas · 23/01/2012 03:19

My answer is "I'll have a look if you like but when I find it I'm going to hit you with it".

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