parenting 16 year olds

[DawnTwinkle]

how much liberty is correct ? im at the end of my tether

Hi Dawn, I've got a 16 year old DS. We need more info on your problem, what's wrong?

she doesnt listen to basic rules...the main cause of argument is her not coming home for meals...on time.. and thinking she can stay out until what ever time she chooses

At 16, I worked full time, paid board to my mum and did come and go as I pleased. BUT.. I never expected a meal to be on the table.. if I wasnt home, it wasnt cooked unless by pre-arrangement and I knew I would be shoving it in the microwave.

same.. at 16 i was working.. so sharing rent and house work etc..but she is still at school...and i do expect her to be home for meals.. unless pre arranged..otherwise she will eat junk..and its really getting to me.. so much so.. i sometimes threaten to put her in care

Where is she when she stays out? E.g. walking the streets is different to being at someone's house or a club. We don't have a set time. I prefer to know in advance if she's not going to be home for a meal so I don't have to cook her anything but I just keep it warm if she's late.

Our flashpoints are tidiness and basic chores e.g. unloading the dishwasher. Last week I threatened to leave home This week we have rubbed along quite nicely.

hello hocuspontas.. she does walk the streets.. but in company...but mostly she is either with a friend or at her boyfriends... i dont mind... if its pre arranged.. cos i know its only at home she eats proper. and i still like to know what time she is coming in...11 pm is the latest... i work early and she has to get up for school . i wont keep her food warm... if she isnt in when expected.. im saying tough from now on

Ive two 23 and 18, at 16 I asked if they would be home for dinner not assumed. There was also no restriction on what time they came home on Fridays and Saturdays, during the week if they went out which was rare I liked them to be home by midnight.

I think you have to give them a certain amount of autonomy in their lives otherwise the tension is unbearable. Trust is the main issue. If you can trust her then I think the less rules the better. I know what you mean about diet though. I worry about that sometimes.

When my own stepkids were living with us, and that age, I wouldnt demand they be home for meals. If there were home I included them in the meal, if they werent then nothing was cooked for them unless it was a stew or something that could be left for them to reheat if they wanted any.

They had to come home at night and come in quietly if they were late, or let us know if they werent coming home.

School nights they had to be in by 10.30pm, weekends they could come home whatever time they liked.

hello fabbychic.. i do give her some space.. on certain days.. when i chose not to cook..but she makes out she is doing me a favour lol.. when she does attend meal times on time.. its a joke

hocus.. i agree about autonomy but if she leaves home.. she could choose when to eat and what to eat etc.. but while she is still dependent on me...i do expect her to comply... i dont think im being too strict at all

At 16 I lived with my dad, and although he let me go clubbing (!) I had to be home at 6 every everning to have my tea, end of!

If she isnt coming home get some pizzas in so when she does get in she can cook her own, mine used to microwave food like chips and nuggets. Or eat out.

I've had two sixteen year olds so far and by that age, if they were here when I was cooking I asked if they wanted any, but if they were out then I didn't make them any. If there was leftovers when they got in, they could heat it up, but if not I would suggest a couple of options like cup a soup and sandwich, or toast/cereal and they ate that or starved. 16 is too old to be running round after them like little babies anymore. If I asked one of them to do a job and they didn't do it, I would either remove something they valued from their room or not do the washing/something else they wanted me to do/refuse them money when they wanted some until it was done. They soon got the message. They had/have curfew, and if they wanted to be out any later it was by prior arrangement. I think I was lucky in that they never pushed their luck and were either on time or had phoned to say they were en route and why they were held up thankfully but I think that was due to the fact that they knew I would carry out whatever it was I said I'd do if they were late. It's no good threatening and ranting if you're not prepared to carry through.

If it's making you miserable though maybe it's time to ease up a bit on the mealtime front. Is there a reason you want her to be in and eating at a certain time? E.g. a family time together? I'd just make sure there is stuff she can put together herself like salads and cold meat and stuff. Give it a go for a while and give yourself a break!

I don't think a 16 should be able to stay out till what time they like

She can't go into bars
Clubs or
Wine bars

So we're the frigg is she

I would give her some space but giving a clear crew few is still ok

If she wants to do as she pleases tell her the price is room and board
And good grades at collage

I am always amazed how many give their 16 year olds complete freedom when their either doing badly at collage or not going at all and don't have any means to support the fun they have a expect the bank of mum and dad to cough up whilest in the same breath telling them you don't tell me what to do and I will be home when I please

I opened the thread with a shudder, thinking of mine at 16, but have ended up thinking they were angels! Neither missed a meal - too greedy to do that.

I would be mortified at them eating regularly at their friends' houses. If you think that's what she's doing, why not insist she takes a ready meal to her boyfriend's/friend's house when she goes out? She must be eating something - unless there's an eating disorder going on here.

There isn't much for them to do at that age, is there? Does she do her schoolwork? What does she hope to do when she leaves? Do you welcome her friends at your house?

I don't think you can base when she needs to be in on when you decide you want to cook. Teenagers need good reasons to follow rules, and if they are pointless, like that one is, then dont expect her to have my respect for it.

hmmm, at 16 the girls were in pretty much every night for tea, unless they had an after school club. They had to be home by 9.30 on school nights.
As they got older we got more of the situations were they weren't in in the evenings. I always insisted I knew if they were going to be in or out so that I knew how many i was cooking for. Basically i cooked for those at home, and those coming in later sorted themselves out.

Yes, I agree with KitchenRoll; meal times are pretty arbitrary. You like to eat at a time when she's out. She likes to eat at a different time.

I'd just cook whatever I wanted for myself and put hers in the fridge for later. I'd also be glad I could eat without her, if she's a problem. I can't stand eating with someone who dislikes me!

Put a plate over her meal and let her heat it up in the microwave. 11 every night is quite strict if they're just with friends or boyfriend. Certainly no later if school the next day but my 16yo was partying till 5am lat night. I told him to ring me when he wanted to be picked up. He was at a friend's house with other kids I know so not a problem

I don't think i'm overly strict but my 16 yo DD is always home for meals and is only allowed out (with friends or boyfriend) either Friday night OR Saturday night and has to be home by about 11 pm unless it's a sleepover. If it's school the next day she's usually in bed by 10 pm as she gets up at 6am. BTW, we live in France where there isn't the same clubbing, walking the streets culture.